


To save a life

by RoseWilder



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Crossdressing, Gay, M/M, Male Slash, Public Sex, Roleplay, Self-Harm, Semi-Public Sex, Sex Toys, Shooting, Sounding, Suicide Attempt, Threesome, Urethral Play, teratophilia as part of roleplay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2019-11-16 11:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 83,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18093248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseWilder/pseuds/RoseWilder
Summary: Isolated and alone, and unsure how to properly interact with other people. He has no social life, instead he stalks, but what happens when those he is stalking suddenly notices him? Ulquiorra certainly doesn't know how to deal with that.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Slowly moving my fics over here from where I write them.
> 
> This is one of my heavier fics, so there is a bit of mental health issues in here, mainly from Ulquiorra's side of things, just so you're warned. There is mainly a lot of suicide mentions at first, and some self harm.
> 
> Also, I don't know how hacking works, so this is fantasy hacking, don't get mad at me.

He took a slow sip from his energy drink as he watched the various screens in front of him. He had five. Three relatively big ones places up next to one another, and two smaller ones on top of them. He leaned back on his chair, his eyes fixed on one screen in particular, keeping watch on a couple of chats he had hacked himself into so that he could keep track of three specific people.

Ulquiorra had never been good with people, but computers on the other hand, those he was an expert on. Hacking had been a hobby of his for many, many years now, and had been a good way of getting revenge on people he didn’t like, but also stalk those who showed him any sort of kindness. Why? Because he wished to get to know them, but couldn’t talk to them directly, so instead he got access to everything they did online to learn everything about them, and if they got in any sort of trouble then he might be able to help them too.

So that’s how he spent his days. When he wasn’t studying he stayed in his room and watched what the people he was interested in was doing. So, why these three people?

Well, it started last year. A couple of months into the school year, his first year at the academy, he had managed to leave one of his books at the library and someone named Ichigo Kurosaki had found it and gone through the trouble of giving it back to him. This sort of kindness was so rare, so incredibly rare, at least for Ulquiorra to experience. To have someone go out of their way to be helpful to him. He had been in a daze the rest of the day and once he got back to his dorm room he had broken down into tears. After that day he had started to stalk Ichigo, figuring out everything he could about him, and even helping him out if there was anything he needed. Ichigo would still start discussions with friends about whom this mystery helper was, apparently a bit concerned too. His friends seemed to be especially concerned. It didn’t matter, what mattered was that he had helped Ichigo when he needed it.

A few months after the Ichigo incidence had happened, another person had decided to show him kindness. He had been jogging down the hallway, arms full of books and papers, when one asshole had decided to trip him. Papers and books all over the hallway, and had it not been for the fact that someone named Aizen had decided to stop and help him pick it all up then he would have been late for class. Just like with the Ichigo incidence he was walking around only half aware of everything around him and had a break down once he got home. At this point he was very thankful that he had a room for himself. Aizen. His full name was Sosuke Aizen, but he didn’t like it when people used his first name, so Ulquiorra was just going to call him Aizen. Perhaps he would be okay with his first name being used if you were close enough to him. So, now he was keeping track on this man too, and helping him whenever there was a need. Of course the people in his science club was also theorizing who this mystery helper could be, and usually Szayel would take it too far, his comment had caused Ulquiorra to choke on his energy drink, or tea, more than once. 

Then there was the third man. Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez. It had happened halfways through the first school year. Ulquiorra had been in the men’s bathroom and been cornered by two idiots. Of course because Ulquiorra was smaller than them, always alone, and very quiet, they figured he would be a good target to bully, and the treat of being dunked in a toilet was quickly there. Oh great, water torture, just what he wished to deal with today. But before they could drag him into one of the stalls, Grimmjow had appeared and knocked one of the bullies out with a single punch, and then told the other’s to fuck off, which they thankfully did. Grimmjow hadn’t asked for anything in return for saving him, simply asked if Ulquiorra was okay, then did his business and left. That had left him even more shaken than the other times someone had shown kindness to him, and he was pretty sure he had been a trembling and sobbing mess that whole night, enough so that Orihime who had a room across the hall had noticed and decided to knock on his door, but he had not answered.

He stretched and yawned. When was the last time he slept? He wasn’t sure. Two days ago maybe. Well, he was getting really tired, so he might just have to head to bed. Much wasn’t happening anyway. Aizen and his science club were discussing something. Ichigo was at the cinema with friends, he had been there for one hour and seventeen minutes now. Grimmjow was playing video games. So nothing special, and he knew them well enough to know that they weren’t going to suddenly decide to do something on a Thursday, and since he knew there was a big party going on tomorrow, that all of these three were going to, he needed to regain some energy for that.

He got up and got ready for bed. The screens on his computer turned off but he allowed for some instrumental music to play in the background since he couldn’t sleep if it was completely silence. Once again, thanks everything that he did not have a roommate.

This dorm that he lived at was a bit more expensive than some of the other ones. Normally you would have a roommate. But here, you got your own bedroom and bathroom, but you shared a kitchen with five others. In his dorm he had realized that he lived with two of Ichigo’s friends, which was nerve wracking. Orihime Inoue, who kept trying to drag him along to do things, but he always refused, and Chad, or Yasutora Sado as his real name was. Then there was Coyote Starrk, Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck, and Tier Harribel. They were fine enough, however Orihime and Nelliel was really not a good combination. Very energetic and who knows what they were doing in the kitchen half the time. Not that Ulquiorra cared, he couldn’t be bothered to cook, even if he knew how. 

He curled up in bed and tried to go to sleep. Tried. However even with how tired he was right now, sleep did not come easy to him. So he was stuck laying there for at least a couple of hours before he managed to fall asleep. This was just one of his many issues, issues he kept to himself, and he was very sure no one knew anything was wrong with him, and if they did notice then they certainly didn’t care enough to do anything about it. In a sense he was going each day looking for a sign that he should continue to move forward, or a sign that it was best to just end his story now. Just waiting to see which sign came first.


	2. Party

Ulquiorra groaned as he heard the alarm ring. Morning already? He sat up in bed and brushed his hair away from his face before he got out of bed and turned off the alarm and then walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower. He got dressed and picked up his shoulder bag, and out he went. He walked by the kitchen without a word, completely ignoring Nelliel who was in there cooking breakfast for herself and Tier. He didn’t eat breakfast in that kitchen, it was usually busy, so he just bought himself something quick on the way to the academy, if he bothered to get food at all.

Today he did decide to get something to eat. Just head into KFC and get some chicken nugget and he would eat them as he walked. The whole time he was listening to music, pretty much pretending the people and world around him didn’t exist as he walked, it made everything so much easier to deal with.

Once he reached the academy headed straight for class, and sat down on the front row, since he knew very few students would bother to sit this far ahead in class, and while he was here he wouldn’t have to see just how many students he was stuck in a room with.

He didn’t bother taking notes as the professor spoke, he was already far ahead in class, and it was far too early for them to get any information about whatever assignments they would have to write, or possible exams. Whenever a question was asked he would raise a hand, and only a month into this school year and the professor was already saying things like “I know that you know the answer Ulquiorra” or “does anyone else but Ulquiorra know?” But usually he would just let Ulquiorra answer. Ulquiorra was sure that this year was going to be like last year, where his class would mostly ignore him, until it was time for group work, then they would suddenly be very nice so that they could work with him. After all, it was a free top grade. Who wouldn’t want that?

Then it was a short break, and on to the next class. During that break Ulquiorra had picked up his phone and quickly checked what the others were up to. Yes, he could stalk them from his phone too. They were all just at their respective classes, nothing interesting going on in the chats they were involved in, and they hadn’t googled anything interesting, though it looked like Grimmjow had decided to watch porn for close to an hour after Ulquiorra had gone to sleep last night. That was one thing he couldn’t get himself to watch or track properly, their porn habits or watch them masturbate or being intimate with someone. Though Grimmjow was really the only one who was very active sexually, so Ulquiorra would turn off Grimmjow’s webcam and microphone when he saw him enter his room together with someone he was probably planning to sleep with. He did not need to see or hear that.

Next class, and it went along similarly to the last one, though no questions being asked, it was just a simple lecture, and Ulquiorra already knew the material the professor was going to talk about today, so in a sense, he didn’t need to be here right now. Didn’t matter, he refused to skip class. He had not been missing from a single lecture or class last year, and unless something happened this year, then he expected himself to have perfect attendance again.

Lunch break. He didn’t eat, so instead he found himself a quiet place in the library and checked on his phone again, seeing if there were any updates on the ones he was stalking. Nothing special. Grimmjow asking Renji about the location of the party later today, apparently just double checking. No worries about that. Ulquiorra already knew where the party was, and he was planning to keep track of the whole location. So that was going to be his evening tonight. Oh joy. At least he might get to laugh at some of the drunk idiots there.

Class again. Then another short break, and while he had been on his way to his next class he had almost walked into Ichigo, which had caused a wave of panic to rush over him and he had very quickly walked away from him before he could say anything. That had been too close, far too close.

Last class of the day. Most of his days were like that. Two classes, long break, then two more classes. Except Wednesdays, when he only had two evening classes, which allowed him to really sleep in if that was needed.

On his way home he bought some fish and chips, that would be his dinner for today. No his eating habits were not healthy. He didn’t eat much, and what he ate was usually fast food. He also drank a lot of energy drinks or soft drinks. His health didn’t matter much to him, so he just ate whatever he wanted to, whenever he wanted to. Some days he didn’t eat at all, while other days he ate a lot.

As he got back to the student accommodation building he went straight to his room and locked the door behind himself, not a word said to Starrk who had been in the common room. He sat down in front of his computer and turned it on. First he got up to date on whatever it was he was missing. Okay, looks like nothing of interest had happened. Ichigo had gone home to his place, and was listening to music right now. Aizen and Grimmjow had yet to get home from the academy. So he was going to watch some youtube and eat his food while he waited. Once that was over he decided to play some games. It was still a couple of hours until the party was to start, and Aizen hadn’t moved. Grimmjow however was on his way home. He appeared to be driving, given how fast he was moving.

For a while he only partly kept track of the others. The webcamera on Ichigo’s laptop had been turned on by Ulquiorra, so that he could see him, and for now he was doing nothing, just reading. Aizen had started to move too, and Grimmjow had just gotten back to his place, so Ulquiorra turned on the webcamera on his laptop. There was no point looking at Aizen’s webcamera, it was blocked by something, so he saw nothing.

He turned off the game, since it required too much focus now, and instead went back to youtube. So he was looking between the video, and the webcameras. Grimmjow had found himself something to eat, and was now sitting by his laptop doing… oh okay, watching youtube too. Might as well pause his own video and watch together with him then.

Half way through the video and Grimmjow got up and… started to undress. Ulquiorra’s eyes were now on the webcam feed rather than on the youtube video. Grimmjow stripped down until he was just in his underwear and then walked over to his closet to find something else to wear. Ulquiorra guessed he was getting ready for the party now. He continued to watch as Grimmjow got dressed. Jeans and a dark blue button up shirt. He looked really good. Then he sat down in front of his computer again, but Ulquiorra didn’t turn back to the youtube video they were both playing, instead he continued to look at Grimmjow for a while longer.

Movement on Aizen’s webcamera. He looked over there and saw Aizen step out of the bathroom fully dressed and hair fixed. Apparently he had decided that he was going to use lenses for the party instead of his glasses. That might be wise, he remembered that his glasses had been broken at a party last year. And considering how expensive glasses were it would be best if that didn’t happen again. Good thing Ulquiorra had sent him the money he had needed to get a pair of new ones.

They were soon both ready for the party and left shortly after, Ichigo was still just minding his own business. He lived much closer to the party than the other two so he still had a bit of time before he needed to leave. However, with most of them gone, he would have to switch over to the location to keep an eye on it.

There was a knock on the door. Ulquiorra glared towards it and then turned back towards the screens in front of him. More knocking. He let out a sigh and got over to the door and opened it slightly. Orihime was standing on the other side, a sweet smile on her lips.

“We’re heading to a party and wondered if you wanted to come along?”

“No.” A short and blunt response.

Orihime frowned a bit. “You’re all alone all the time, wouldn’t it be nice to spend some time outside of your room?”

“No.” Then he closed the door and locked it before she could say anything else. More knocking, more frantic this time. With another huff he opened it and the door was pretty much pushed open and this time Nelliel was standing in front of him.

“Put on some other clothes, and be ready in five minutes, you’re coming with us!” she said with a huge grin.

“I already said that I do not want to party with you.”

“It’s not good for you to spend all your time inside alone, with no human interaction.”

“Who are you to decide what’s good for me?” Ulquiorra hissed in return.

“Please, Ulquiorra. Just come with us. You can leave whenever you want,” Orihime added.

They were apparently dead set on getting him to join them. “Fine. I will be ready in five minutes,” he decided, with a sigh of defeat. Both Orihime and Nelliel looked far too happy about this. They stepped out and allowed Ulquiorra to get changed.

Black shirt and black jeans, and a dark green zip hoodie. That’s what he would wear, and as he stepped out of his room he could see that Nelliel wanted to complain about his outfit, but thankfully Orihime stopped her.

He stayed behind the rest of the group as they walked, most of them carrying alcohol with them. It was only a ten minute walk to get to the party, which was held in a huge freaking house. Some rich kid who lived here was throwing it, and his parents were gone, so that was the perfect opportunity to party. As they walked he could see other people heading the same way and it didn’t take long before Nelliel or Orihime saw someone they knew and the group he was stuck in became larger. Strangers. He could feel his heart beat faster as anxiety was starting to creep up on him. Right now he just wanted to turn and run back, but then Nelliel would notice and suddenly everyone would be paying attention to him. No it would be best to sneak away once they were at the party and there were too many people there for Nelliel to keep track of him.

They entered the building, and there were so many people there, and that was making it very hard to breath right now. It was like he was suffocating. He had to get out of here. He turned around, Nelliel and the other already disappearing in the crowd, but as he turned he could see that there were a group of people blocking the entrance. Sure, he could have asked them to move a bit so that he could move through, but his throat was too tight to speak. He turned around, it felt like everything was closing in on him, like everyone was watching him, judging him. He couldn’t breath. He was trying to keep himself from hyperventilating. Someone had wrapped an arm around his shoulder and he was being lead away from there, and past some people down a hallway until they exited a door and was in the backyard. It was quieter here, fewer people, and he took a deep breath.

“Thank yo-” he paused, his eyes wide when he looked up and was face to face with Aizen. Oh no!

“You looked like you needed to get out of there, how are you feeling now?” Aizen asked, a gentle smile on his lips, which quickly turned to concern. “Maybe you should sit down. GRIMMJOW, CAN YOU GET A CHAIR OVER HERE?”

Ulquiorra quickly turned and he found Grimmjow walking over to them and placed a chair next to the two of them.

“What’s up?”

“He wasn’t feeling well,” Aizen said, and had been about to say something else, but Ulquiorra had already started to run by then. He had to get away. He had to get away from there.

As he ran he pushed past some random people, and he could hear them yell after him, but he had no idea what they said. He pushed through a gate, and then was out in the street again and on his way home. Adrenaline was pumping through his body, allowing him to run for far longer than he normally would have been able to and before he knew it he was back in his own room. Legs trembling and he was gasping for air. That had been terrifying. So terrifying.

Once he had managed to calm down he moved over to his computer and sat down in front of it once more, going back to what he had been doing, which was to keep track of those three people. Now… they were all directly next to each other. Man he had just barely been able to get away in time then. He was very sure he would not have been able to deal with all three of them around him. Just Aizen and Grimmjow had been enough to cause him to panic and run away.

Hopefully they weren’t talking about him, and if they were, then there was no way for him to know since he had no way of listening to their conversation.

Hours passed, and at some point he had decided to order pizza, and some snacks. Panicking could make a person strangely hungry afterwards. So now he was eating vegetarian pizza while watching youtube and keeping slight track of where those three were. Ichigo appeared to be on his way home. He might be social, but he was not much of a party animal. Aizen was the next to leave. He could hear a few of the others returning and he guessed it was Harribel and Starrk.

Grimmjow stayed until it was almost four in the morning. By then both Ichigo and Aizen were asleep, and the rest of his flatmates had returned too. Orihime had tried to knock on his door to talk to him, but he had completely ignored it.

He turned on Grimmjow’s webcam when he returned home, and he quickly realized that he was not alone, and because of that he had been about to turn off the webcam. Watching Grimmjow have sex with some random woman from that party was not something he was interested in, actually, he couldn’t stand seeing Grimmjow close to anyone. However, this time he did not return with a girl…. But with a guy. Wait, Grimmjow was interested in men too? He had never heard him really discuss his own sexuality, at least not online, so this was news to him, and news that made his heart beat a bit faster.

Ulquiorra watched. Watched as Grimmjow and the other man kissed, touched each other, and was quick to start to undress each other. Both still a bit drunk, that was clear. Ulquiorra shifted, he knew he should not be watching this, but he couldn’t get himself to turn that webcamera off. The two kept making out, Grimmjow fully naked now, and fully hard. That was a sight Ulquiorra had not thought he would get to witness, mostly since he had tried to not watch any of those three when they were naked in their room.

Grimmjow grabbed a condom and the two of them moved over to the bed, and that was when Ulquiorra turned the webcamera off. For a moment he just stared at that black screen. That had been quite the development, and he found himself regretting not turning the camera off sooner, especially since it had been impossible for him to watch that and not get aroused himself, his brain had decided to imagine that it wasn’t some random guy from the party Grimmjow had been making out with, but him. Good job brain, this was going to keep him awake all day. At least it was Saturday so he wouldn’t have to worry about school.


	3. Check Up

He stayed inside all Saturday, not even bothering to get food. Honestly he really wasn’t hungry. Then Sunday came and he decided to head to McDonalds just to get something quick and then returned back to his room and continued to sit in front of his computer. Stalking and playing games, that’s what he did. Pathetic wasn’t it?

Then Monday was there and he had to head to school, even if he really didn’t want to. What had happened at the party was still clear in his mind and had kept him from getting any sleep what so ever. So with an energy drink in hand he headed to the academy, and this time he skipped breakfast. He really didn’t want to eat anything.

One class, two classes. They just moved by like nothing, thankfully he knew everything the professors were talking about, and were there questions then he would answer. To the rest of the class, and the rest of the school, he would still come across as aloof and kind of arrogant, someone who knew everything, even if this was pretty far from the truth.

Lunch break, and it was a rather long one since he didn’t have a class immediately after lunch, so he headed for the library and found himself a table to sit by. He had been sitting there, reading for a while when someone decided to sit by the table across from him.

“Hey.”

Ulquiorra ignored it.

“Hey. Ulquiorra, right?”

Ulquiorra looked up and his eyes widened. Across from him was Ichigo. He had forgotten to check the locations of the people he had been stalking. Usually he would do such a good job of avoiding them, but not this time. He must be really out of it today. And… how…

“You know my name?” he found himself saying. He had no words to describe what he was feeling. In a way he was scared, it was like he had been hiding for so long and then suddenly someone noticed his existence, he had no idea how to properly react to this. In addition to the fear there was also some sort of joy, relief that someone had noticed him, but he needed to hold it all together for now, and running away wasn’t really an option.

“Yeah, Orihime told me what your name was. I heard what happened at the party, are you okay?”

Why do you care? You didn’t even see me there, and you don’t know me. Why do you care? Why. Do. You. Care?! He wanted to yell these words at the other but he didn’t, instead he looked away for a moment. “I’m fine.” That was a lie. He wasn’t fine, but he was doing his best to make those around him think he was fine, even if that failed now and then.

Ichigo stared at him for a moment, which made Ulquiorra a bit nervous, it felt like the other was looking right through him, and for a moment he worried Ichigo knew he had been stalking him. But how could he have known? Nobody knew what he was doing, his security system on both his phone and computer were close to impossible to hack, and he knew he hadn’t left a trace anywhere, especially since for the most part all he did was watch, not interact.

“You’re sure? You look a bit unwell,” Ichigo said softly.

“I was doing drunk gaming with a few friends of mine yesterday, it was a bad idea and I drank a bit more than I should have, so I am a bit hungover right now, that’s all,” Ulquiorra replied calmly. He kept that forced calm as he waited to see if Ichigo bought it, and it appeared that he did.

Ichigo gave him a soft smile and then got up from his chair and walked away. Safe. Thankfully, he was safe. Once Ichigo was gone he let out a long sigh. Okay, for now he was just going to check where the others were and then watch some youtube videos since there was no way he was going to be able to focus on school work right now. Thankfully, he was still well over two weeks ahead of the others in class, and had already started to think about what he should write for his first assignment. All he had to do was ask the professor about specifics about said assignment, and then he would be able to start working on it.

Next class, and the last class of the day. He was a bit more distracted than usual, but he got through it fine, and then he went home. No food. He wasn’t hungry at all, but he did get some energy drinks.

He stayed in his room all day, until it was about half an hour before the store around the corner would close. Then he got up and headed over there. Now he needed something to eat, so he got a fruit salad, just because it was easy and actually tasty. He also bought a lot of snacks. That would be his dinner for today.

Next day, nothing out of the usual, and he remembered to keep track of the others. Thankfully.

The rest of the week was like this. He kept stalking them, keeping track of online conversations and posts they made online, and whatever they were doing online, and phone conversations, and made sure he was never too close to them. Now and then he would of course have to move to a different hallway. It was hard to say which floor they were on, but he did have a system for that, but it took him a few seconds to determine if they were on the same floor as him, and sometimes he didn’t have those seconds, so it was easier to just step into a random room, or another hallway until they were gone.

Friday again, and he knew there was another party happening. It was probably a smaller party this time, mainly since the location was smaller, and one of Grimmjow’s friends had told him that the host was being very picky with whom was allowed there, and whom had any right to take an uninvited person with them. So it was apparently a bit more exclusive than some of these parties.

He could hear Orihime and Nelliel talk, they were both heading to the party. There was a knock on the door. What did they want now then? He got up and walked over to the door and outside was Orihime and Nelliel. Really?

“What?”

“Come with us?”

“Why?”

“You’re always alone,” Orihime said, a worried expression on her face. This again. Last year the people he had shared a student flat with had not given a single damn what he was doing, but this year he was stuck with people who was a lot more aware of him than he had expected.

“I’m really sorry about what happened on the last party, this one will be a lot smaller, so there is not as many people, and it won’t be as noisy,” Nelliel added. “It’s going to be super chill, just come with us. You can leave whenever you want.”

“If you come with us this time, I promise we won’t ask you to join anymore,” Orihime added.

They were not going to leave unless he joined. He let out a sigh and both girls beamed, they had won. He closed the door and changed into black jeans, instead of the sweatpants he had been wearing, a dark red t-shirt (that was clearly too big for him), and a black zip hoodie. Then he stepped out of his room and followed the girls.

He would have to come up with some sort of plan to make them think he was a lot more social than he really was, since this was annoying as all hell, and distressing. He knew Aizen, Grimmjow, and Ichigo were going to be at this party too, just to make this even worse.


	4. Never have I ever

The party was held at in an apartment complex. Ulquiorra hadn’t really looked properly into the location, so he was slightly surprised at this, but now it really made sense why the host wanted to be careful with whom was invited.

They went up to the top floor, where the biggest apartments were, and Orihime pressed the doorbell. It only took a moment before the door was opened and they were invited in. Nelliel was quick to say that Ulquiorra was with them and that he was a chill guy so there would be no problem or noise. 

Ulquiorra carefully looked around for a moment. He knew Grimmjow and Aizen was here somewhere already, and Ichigo should be on his way so he would have to get out of here as quickly as possible. For now he couldn’t see the two that were already here. There were around 10 people in the living room area they found themselves in. The music that was playing was low enough for people to talk comfortably without having to yell.

“Come, the drinks are in the kitchen,” Nelliel grinned and had been about to wrap an arm around Ulquiorra, but he had stepped aside and thankfully she took the hint that he did not wish to be touched. But this still meant that he would have to follow along, for now.

They stepped further into the living room and through an open door he could see Grimmjow sit with a group of people. It looked like a tv room of some sort. Only bean bag chairs and a comfy couch and a huge tv. So he was not going in there, that was for sure.

“Here,” Nelliel handed him a beer.

“Maybe he likes ciders better,” Orihime suddenly said.

“Yeah… what do you actually like to drink?”

Ulquiorra just stood there and stared at them for a moment… they… they wanted to know what he liked. This felt surreal. No one asked him things like that.

“Beer is fine,” he replied.

“Well, if you want anything else then just take. The host said we could take whatever we wanted from the kitchen so it’s a free for all,” Nelliel grinned. “Come, let’s find some fun people!”

“Good idea!” Orihime agreed and with her free hand she gripped Ulquiorra’s hand and dragged him along. Well he was certainly not going to be able to get away now, not with her dragging him along.

Oh no. They were headed straight for the room Ulquiorra had wanted to avoid, and in they went. This just reminded him of the last party, where he had been forced to deal with the people he had been avoiding, simply because he had no idea how to deal with them.

They were greeted once they entered and Ulquiorra saw that Aizen was there too. Okay, just remember to breath and don’t look at them too much, pretend that they aren’t there, this will be fine. Just fine.

Ulquiorra sat down on a bean bag chair, and pretty much tried to make himself invisible as Orihime and Nelliel sat down nearby, Nelliel on the couch, taking a seat next to Grimmjow, and Orihime taking the bean bag next to he himself. Okay, this was going to be a tough situation to get out of.

“So, we were just about to play never have I ever,” one of the people there said and Nelliel immediately grinned like mad.

So the game began. So at first they started by targeting Aizen, saying things that they knew he had to drink to, and then he turned it all on Nelliel. Of course, others would have to drink too, since they had done similar things. Ulquiorra only had to take two sips. One for staying up for more than 48 hours without sleep, and one for going all day without eating. Both times Orihime had sent him a worried look. He could have chosen not to drink to this of course, but it would have been suspicious if he didn’t drink at all, and he was not going to start lying too much while drinking, since sometimes they would request a story if you drank to something. No, he had enough lies to keep track of, he did not need to add more to that pile, not here and now at least.

There was a short pause when Ichigo joined them. Oh this was just grand. To make it worse he appeared to be glad to see Ulquiorra there. Suddenly the focus was on him, since someone had noticed that he had barely been drinking at all. This was the opposite of what he wanted.

“Never have I ever had a threesome,” one said and Grimmjow drank. Some cheering, but the focus was quickly back on Ulquiorra.

“Never have I ever been in a relationship.” Many had to drink, but Ulquiorra did not.

“Never have I ever watched porn,” suggested Grimmjow and this time Ulquiorra did drink. “Finally got you,” Grimmjow grinned, and Ulquiorra could feel his heart skip a beat. He had to get out of here. He had to. His anxiety level was growing, but he needed to keep calm and find a good reason to just go from there. Something that was not as dramatic as last time.

More suggestions, all of them sexual, causing several others, especially Grimmjow, to drink.

“Never have I ever had sex.” Ulquiorra didn’t drink.

Things got a bit more mundane after that and Ulquiorra could tell that they were still trying to figure him out, but they would sometimes look at someone else when they drank, and now and then there was a story time. Especially when Ichigo drank at the “jumped out of a window” one.

Thankfully, sometimes they would focus on each other and not just him, but it really felt like Grimmjow kept his focus on him the whole time, and there was something in the way Aizen was looking at him that he didn’t like. It was as though Aizen was studying him, and he found himself fearing he would do anything to give away that he was stalking them. This was nerve wracking.

“I will make everyone drink,” Orihime smiled. “Never have I ever hugged someone!”

Everyone drank, except Ulquiorra who instead set his beer down and got up, as calmly as he could.

“I’ll drink when I get back but first, where is the bathroom?” he said, it was the best excuse he could find to get out of here, and it would seem at least a bit natural since they had been here for a while, and others had had to go to the bathroom in that time.

“Yeah, when you’re out of the room to turn right and go straight through the living room to the hallway on the other side and it’s the first door to the right.”

Ulquiorra nodded and walked out of there, and headed straight for the exit, and with that he was out of there. He walked home as quickly as he could and got into his room and locked the door. Never again. No more parties, never. He was not going to let those witches force him to join simply because it might be less trouble than to argue with them for half an hour.

He sat down by his computer and decided to watch a stupid tv show. Just something to try to forget what he had just been through. His anxiety level was still high, so high, and he noticed now that he was trembling, his heart still racing, and in a sense it just got worse, and worse and worse and before he knew it he was hyperventilating. Curled up in his computer chair he desperately tried to regain control of his breathing and the tears that made it impossible to see anything. His thoughts were all over the place, going over everything that had happened.

They had noticed him. Now he was certain that he was no longer invisible to them, and he knew that should make him glad, but it scared him. He didn’t know what to do about this. His whole life he had been a ghost, so to have someone finally see him, it was scary. It was terrifying to have someone he had grown to care for and knew too much about suddenly turn and see that you existed. This all, it was too much. He couldn’t handle it, these thoughts, these feelings. He needed a distraction, something else to focus on.

On unsteady legs he got up and walked into the bathroom. He had done this so many times before, either because he was feeling too much, or because he wasn’t feeling anything. Either to numb and regain focus, or to feel something, just feel something.

Shaky hands found a new razor blade, he let out a low his at the pain, and watched a few droplets of blood emerge.

He let out a long sigh and dropped the bloodied razor in the sink. Better. It hurt like hell, but he could focus on that and not the mess in his head. Now… he just needed to patch up the new wounds he had created on his thigh, since he did not hurt his arms, not anymore at least. There were some old scars there, but he knew that if he continued there then people might notice. None of the old scars were near his wrist, they were instead closer to the elbow area.

For just a moment he looked down at these scars. Had anyone ever noticed? No. The ones on his arms were incredibly hard to see on his skin, so one would only really notice if they got really close or touched them. The ones on his thighs were much more noticeable.

With that done he put on a loose pair of sweatpants and went back to his computer to continue to watch whatever show he had put on, the dull pain of the wound he had created on himself still throbbed, helping to ease his anxiety. It was the only real way he knew to calm himself down, unless he wanted to wait it out, which he did not.

At some point the others returned home, but he didn’t care, and thankfully, they didn’t knock on his door, though he could hear that one of them had paused outside of it for just a moment.


	5. Flee

He stayed inside all weekend, like before, only going out to get food at night, since he did not wish to walk into any of the other people in his flat. Orihime had tried to knock on his door a few times, but he refused to answer, no matter how long she stood out there and tried to get his attention. At some point Nelliel had decided to knock on his door too, and she wasn’t as careful as Orihime. Ulquiorra had been staring at the door wondering if she was going to kick in his door, but she eventually stopped.

Back to school. Monday morning. Great. He continued to make sure to avoid the ones he was stalking, and would even look at his phone during class now since there had been a new development. They had started to talk about him. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this, but to see all three of mention him was weird, and making him feel very strange, and it just increased the anxiety inside of him. Were they worried? It certainly looked like Ichigo was worried for him. It was hard to say how Grimmjow or Aizen felt, but they were asking questions.

This was not good.

The walls he had built around himself, they were going to try to rip those down, weren’t they? They were going to try to get through his defenses. Already he had noticed that being around them caused said walls to crumble, and seeing his own defenses break apart was absolutely terrifying. He couldn’t let that happen.

The only good thing to have come out of this was Aizen telling Nelliel and Orihime not to force him to join any of the parties, since Aizen had come to the conclusion that Ulquiorra had severe social anxiety, and forcing him along would not do anyone any good. Why thank you. He refused to think of himself as socially anxious, he just preferred to be alone, that was all, but it would be nice to no longer be forced to join those parties.

He looked up at the professor again as he kept on talking. This was all old information to him. Nothing new, and since it was just a lecture, the professor didn’t care much what the students were doing, especially since this was one of the biggest classes. Everyone who studied this, even as a minor study, was here, so there had to be around 70 students in this auditorium.

Ulquiorra looked down at his phone again, and his eyes widened when he saw what it was Aizen had sent to Ichigo.

Aizen: I will talk to him. He studies psychology right? They should be in Auditorium 4 then.

First of all, when had he figured out what Ulquiorra was studying!? And was he going to stand outside of the room and wait for him to walk out there?! He hated the feeling that he had missed something. His mind racing as he tried to think where Aizen could have found that information. He had not overlooked any of the conversations and not overlooked his computer activity, so then he must have gained this knowledge by talking to someone. For a quick second he checked Aizen’s location, and yes, he was standing right outside of the auditorium.

His heart was racing, and he was struggling to sit still. What was he going to do? He couldn’t walk out there and face Aizen. Think of something. The professor was about to end the lecture now. Okay, he still had time, there was a lot of students that had to get out.

The lecture ended, and Ulquiorra packed up his things. The professor moved over to the door and students started to swarm towards the exit. With all these students waiting to be able to get out of the door, and some keeping the professor busy, no one would notice him. Good.

He stepped over to one of the windows and opened it. He was on the second floor. It would hurt like hell to land, and probably be a bit of a risk, but physical pain had never bothered him. He looked back over his shoulder and back at the other students. No one had noticed anything. Okay, so he crawled out of the window, and tried to see if he could climb a bit further down so that the drop wouldn’t be too far. Too bad he lacked any muscle strength to be able to do any climbing, so he lost his grip and found himself falling.

“Ugh,” he groaned and gasped for air as he landed on his back. That hurt like hell, and the air had been knocked out of him, making it feel like he was suffocating. He rolled onto his stomach and for a second he just stayed there on the grass gasping for air. Then he slowly sat up. No one had been there to see that. Guess now he would have had to drink to that ‘jump out of a window’ statement from the party.

Ulquiorra got to his feet and dusted himself off, and walked back into the building, acting like nothing. There was still some pain in his body, but it didn’t feel like he had broken anything, and his head was perfectly fine so at least he hadn’t hit that. He was probably going to have quite a bit of bruises now.

Well, he had managed to evade Aizen, in the most spectacular way, all due to rising panic, like a trapped animal, and he felt like he deserved an experience bonus for that evasion. He picked up his phone to check where everyone was, and could see that Aizen was still outside of the auditorium, while Ichigo was on another campus and Grimmjow was at home. Safe, very safe. He just needed to get to the next class now.

For the rest of the day he didn’t have to do anything spectacular to avoid Aizen as he had gone back to his own classes, but he did mention in the chat that he had not seen Ulquiorra as he had waited for all the students to exit and then walked in to check. He guessed he just didn’t see him walk out of there. If only he knew the truth, and hopefully he never would. It was not exactly one of Ulquiorra’s proudest moments. Honestly, it was a bit pathetic.

Wednesday. And this time apparently Ichigo had said he would talk to Ulquiorra. Really? Were they taking turns now? Thankfully Ichigo didn’t wait outside of any of the classrooms he was in, but when Ulquiorra was at the library he did see Ichigo heading his way when he checked his phone. Okay, someone he didn’t know had given him a tip about his location, and that tip had not come with a text. Sadly, this library only had one exit, and Ichigo just walked through it now.

Very well. He had played Metal Gear, he guessed he would have to see if he could be stealthy now. It was something he had managed before, mainly because he could use his phone to see where they were. So he moved as far away as he could from Ichigo and leaned against a wall, hidden within the French literature section now. Okay, he was… he was heading in his direction. He took a deep breath to calm the anxiety that was building. This was doable. The library was huge.

He started to move again. Calmly walking away as Ichigo got closer. He would have to get past him at some point. For a second he looked around and knew what he had to do. This part of the academy was old, very old, so there were huge columns standing around as support for the floor above. So he got over to the closest one and made sure that it was between himself and Ichigo. His eyes on the phone now, constantly on his phone as he tried to calculate where he had to stand to be perfectly out of view.

Ichigo paused. He was only a couple of meters away from Ulquiorra now, and the only thing between them was this damn piece of stone. Ulquiorra found himself taking deep and slow breaths, breathing as quietly as he possibly could. One sound and he was certain Ichigo would hear him.

He started moving again, and with that Ulquiorra moved too, hoping that he was able to calculate this correctly. Then Ichigo walked around the corner and Ulquiorra was free to head towards the entrance. Freedom. That had been far more tense than he would have liked, and he could feel that he was trembling and barely keeping himself together, but he would just have to make it somehow for the rest of his classes. Somehow.

Friday came, and there was another party. This time the only one he knew who went there was Grimmjow. Still, that didn’t stop either Orihime or Nelliel from trying to get in touch with him by knocking on his door. Right now he was so glad he didn’t have a facebook account, or any other public profile where they could find him, and that he had not given away his phone number to anyone. In fact, you would not find him online, he was a real ghost there, and therefore a nightmare for anyone to get in contact with.

He preferred it that way, it was easier. Now… he would just continue to keep track of Grimmjow and pretend that things were not going in a direction he was far from comfortable with.


	6. Dead End Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, just going to say that this is one of the chapters that is the reason why there's quite a few warning on this fic, as it involves a mass shooting. Not at a school however. Just thought I should give you guys that warning.

Weeks passed and thankfully he had managed to avoid more of those parties, even if Orihime, and Nelliel, had tried to get him to join. However they had given up a lot quicker than before. Ulquiorra had a feeling neither knew exactly how to deal with him now, which could be both good and bad. The good thing was that they did not bother him as much, but the bad side was that they were sharing their worries, and sending him sad looks. They appeared to be so much more aware of his presence, which had caused him to put even more effort into avoiding them. On top of that all three of the people he stalked were now very aware of his presence, and he could feel his heart skip a beat and anxiety spike whenever his name was mentioned by any of them.

Another party was to be held this friday, and Nelliel and Orihime was going, and had managed to drag Chad with them, even if he wasn’t much of a party person, but apparently ‘the whole gang was going’ so then he had to.

Whenever he had heard Orihime walk near his door he found himself glaring at it, then looked back at the screen. Ichigo, Grimmjow, and Aizen were all going to that party, so he guessed he could keep track of them tonight, which would be especially easy as this place they were going to had cameras and everything installed all over the place. It was in an apartment building, the top apartment which took up the two top floors. Big place, rich place, and because of that there were cameras by the entrance of the building, and outside of this apartment, so he could see whoever came and went. Inside the apartment there were also several cameras, and all of them very easy to hack. Maybe he should send a note to the owner of the apartment that they needed to do something about the security, he had done so before when he was bored and found things that were easy to hack.

He could see Ichigo and Aizen arriving together, and went up to the apartment using the elevator. More people kept appearing, some took the stairs, but most decided to wait for the elevator, especially those who were carrying things. Grimmjow arrived about half an hour later, and stopped by the entrance to wait for Orihime, Nelliel and Chad who arrived pretty much at the same time, and together they entered the building and then the party location.

Everything seemed rather normal, nothing out of the usual. Drinks were being served, people were having fun, some drinking games going, some were playing party games in another room on the Switch the owner had.

It… just looked like an ordinary night. For now.

It was 2 Am now, the party still going strong when something caught Ulquiorra’s eye. Someone was by the entrance of the apartment, and… Ulquiorra rose from his chair and stared. The person was carrying weapons. His blood ran cold and he quickly reached for his phone and sent out a text to Aizen, Grimmjow, Ichigo, and Orihime, to get out of the apartment. He didn’t want to tell them if they should take the stairs or the elevator, it depended what the possible murderer was planning. Then he called the police, still watching the bastard who hesitated for a bit, then got inside. He gave them the address, and told them what he had seen, then hang up.

Grimmjow, Ichigo and Aizen was still in the living room, Ulquiorra could see them, and none of them were looking at their phones. He checked to see where their phones were. Ichigo’s appeared to be in the hallway in his jacket. But Grimmjow and Aizen were still carrying theirs on their person.

“Check your phones,” he hissed, and looked to see where the armed man was. He had stepped into the elevator. He had to do something, and quickly. Quickly he picked up his phone again and looked at Grimmjow’s number. His own was hidden, so if he messaged or called Grimmjow would not be able to see the number contacting him. He looked up again. The elevator doors closed.

He pressed the call button and held the phone to his ear.

His eyes going between the camera where he could see the door to the apartment and the camera where he could see Grimmjow, Aizen and Ichigo.

“Pick up the phone,” he whispered as he stared at Grimmjow.

He finally did pick it out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment… then he cancelled the call and placed it back into his pocket.

“No, no, no, no.” Panic was rising on the inside, but he managed to appear somewhat calm, he needed to keep his mind as clear as he could, so he tried again.

Once again Grimmjow picked up the phone, and this time he answered. “Yeah?”

“Grimmjow, listen to me. There is someone on their way up, I believe to the party you are at, and they are armed. They are currently in the elevator, so you have time to get out of there,” Ulquiorra explained really quickly, not giving Grimmjow any time to respond.

“What? Who are you? Is this some kind of joke?”

“It doesn’t matter who I am, just get out of there, please, I am not joking,” Ulquiorra continued.

“How do you know this?”

“Because I’ve hacked the cameras, I saw him, and I happened to find your number since I recognized you. Now please, get your friends, and get out of there!” He managed to come up with a half lie on the spot, despite the stress he was feeling. This was an emergency situation, and he had to do whatever he could to just stay calm and help.

“Ulquiorra, is that you?”

Ulquiorra froze, he had forgotten to do something about his voice. It had been the last thing on his mind. “It doesn’t matter, just do as I sa-” he froze. The elevator doors opened and the armed man stepped out of the elevator and moved towards the apartment door. “Get upstairs, find somewhere to hide. He is right outside. I have called the cops, just get somewhere else.”

Grimmjow moved, grabbing hold of Ichigo as he did so and for a moment he explained to the others what was going on. They got to the stairs and that was when Ichigo stopped. Ulquiorra couldn’t properly hear what was being said, but he knew that Ichigo wanted to get everyone to safety, so now there was a huge argument going on between him and Grimmjow.

Ulquiorra couldn’t do anything other than watch as the two of them struggled. The door to the apartment opened and the first shots were fired. That stopped the argument and Grimmjow managed to drag Ichigo with him and the others followed. Everyone else, who had not been informed, were in shock. Everything froze except the music. Two people had dropped to the floor. Ulquiorra wasn’t sure if they were dead or not, and the killer did not try to confirm it, instead he continued to shoot.

Panic broke out and everyone was running around, trying to find somewhere safe. Blood was covering the floor, as the killer continued on, stepping in further into the apartment.

“Where is he?” Grimmjow asked.

“Living room. He is not heading in your direction. If you continue forward and then take the door to the left, that room is a large office, and you should be able to barricade yourself in there. There is no one there for now,” Ulquiorra said as his eyes moved from one screen to the next.

They did as he said, and the moment they got inside Nelliel and Chad started to block the door while Ichigo did his best to calm Orihime. Uryuu was calling on his own phone and Aizen was looking out the window. The others in the group were in various stages of panic and fear. Some appeared calm, while others were sobbing and crying. Grimmjow had stepped up to a wall and sank down next to it.

“How are you able to be this calm?”

“Panicking would be useless in this situation. If anyone is to be able to get out alive then you need a clear mind,” Ulquiorra replied.

“You know. You should consider working for the hospital, as one of those operators who deals with the emergency calls.”

Ulquiorra was silent for a moment. “I suppose.”

“I mean, I’m impressed you’re this calm and collected. Good thing you hacked this place… which… why did you do that in the first place?” Grimmjow rambled on, and Ulquiorra figured he was just talking just to talk, something to keep his mind off of the sound of gunfire coming from below, as Ulquiorra could see him jump slightly whenever shots were fired, and he could hear a slight tremble in his voice. He was scared, but doing his best to hide it.

“I was curious, and bored, and the place had something to hack, so I decided that you people being drunk was going to be my entertainment for the night,” Ulquiorra continued.

“Good. Fuck. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened had you not done that, so how did you find my nu-”

“He is going up the stairs.”

Ulquiorra’s eyes were on the screen now. There were still people alive downstairs, but they had managed to hide. However it was truly a bloodbath. How many dead people were there? 20? It was a real massacre and once again he could feel his pulse rising.

The police were outside, and were rushing in, but it would take them time to get up there. Just hurry, please. Some took the stairs and some took the elevator, all of them armed and dressed with helmets and bulletproof vests. They almost looked more like soldiers than police officers. He looked towards the camera where he could see Grimmjow and the others, Grimmjow was standing now.

“Where is he?”

“Top of the stairs, get everyone away from the door, just to be safe, and stand in the corner where he won’t see if you he manages to push open the stairs. Stay as quiet as you can.”

Grimmjow moved, and told the others the information he had been given, being quiet as he did so, and everyone moved away from the door and to the right, so that the killer would have to walk around the door if he wanted to get them.

“The police is on their way up,” Ulquiorra added as he watched.

The killer shot the door to the room next to the room Grimmjow and the rest were, and he could see all of them jump.

“What’s going on out there?” Grimmjow asked quietly.

“He is next door… just blasted open the door and got in… They didn’t barricade the door.”

More shots were fired, and Ulquiorra could hear them in Grimmjow’s phone, and he could hear Grimmjow let out a long shaky sigh. Ulquiorra felt like he should say something, but he wasn’t sure what. Where was the police? He wasn’t sure, they were in between floors somewhere.

“Close your eyes, and just… focus on my voice,” Ulquiorra said calmly. It might help to try to help Grimmjow focus on something else. “The police is coming, you’re going to be fine. I know this is terrifying, but you will make it.” He hadn’t been asleep in his psychology classes, and though he couldn’t apply what he had learned to himself, he could try to use it on others.

The gunman walked out of the room, leaving dead bodies behind and then moved over to the room where Grimmjow and the others were. Ulquiorra had to really fight to just appear calm now. This was terrifying.

“You barricaded the door, so even if he shoots it, he will not be able to push it open. You’re safe,” he continued. “The police will be there soo-” gunshot as the killer shot the lock and then proceeded to try to push the door open. Ichigo immediately jumped forward and pushed against the barricade to make sure it did not move, and Uryuu and Chad was soon to join. Idiots!

Movement. He saw movement on another screen. The police ran out of the elevator and then headed towards the open apartment door. Now they were being careful, slowly entering and searching the first floor.

“The police is here,” Ulquiorra said and he could hear Grimmjow let out a tired laugh.

“About fucking time.”

The gunman stopped and turned towards the stairs. He might have heard the police since from the camera it looked like they were calling out. An ambulance appeared, soon followed by another one, and Ulquiorra was sure there were more of them, but he couldn’t see them.

The police were coming up the stairs, and the gunman turned a handgun on himself. Ulquiorra watched him fire it off, and could hear the shot from his phone.

“The gunman is dead, he killed himself,” Ulquiorra said, and Grimmjow repeated it to the others. So now they started to remove the barricade as the police flooded the whole apartment, looking for survivors. Ambulance workers should be on their way up now too since it was safe to be in the apartment for now. “Do not go downstairs. You should wait. Tell the others to wait even if he police wants you to leave,” Ulquiorra said.

“Is there that many dead bodies?” Grimmjow asked quietly.

“You have been through more than enough, you do not need to see what it looks like downstairs,” Ulquiorra added. There was a pause. “Do you want me to continue to talk to you?”

“Yes, don’t hang up.” Grimmjow’s voice was so soft when he said that.

“Then I won’t. I will stay here for as long as you want me here.”

“Thank you.” Grimmjow sounded like he was holding back tears, and it hurt. It really hurt to hear him this broken, but in a way it was good that he was letting those emotions out instead of bottling them up. If he allowed himself to process what he had been through he would be able to heal.

“It’s okay, if you need to cry, then do so, don’t hold it back. You’ve been through hell after all.” Ulquiorra was talking as calmly as he could, just trying to be a soothing presence.

“Fucking right I have. I thought I was going to die. Jesus fuck.” It did sound like he was crying now. “To think that I fucking considered not to pick up the phone when you called the second time.” Grimmjow continued to ramble and Ulquiorra didn’t interrupt.

Eventually it was safe for them to go downstairs, the bodies were gone, but the blood was not. At this point Grimmjow had to hang up as he needed to talk to both the police and the emergency responders. Ulquiorra continued to watch the cameras until it was 6 am. Only the police was left at that point.


	7. Aftermath

At some point during the night Ulquiorra had decided to text Grimmjow his number and told him to call or text whenever he wanted to, just in case he wished to talk or just needed a distraction, something. And Grimmjow did.

The first text arrived at 8 in the morning and thankfully Ulquiorra had been awake to see it. Though he was sure the sound would have caused him to wake up since he was pretty sure this was the first time he had ever been sent a text.

Grimmjow: Can’t sleep. U up?  
Ulquiorra: Yes.

Only a second after he had responded the phone called and Ulquiorra picked up. “How are you feeling?”

“Like absolute shit,” Grimmjow replied with a sigh. “Whenever I try to close my eyes I fucking see all the blood and hear the gunshots and just… fuck.”

“That’s understandable. You’ve been through much.”

There was a moment of silence. Then he could hear Grimmjow move. For a moment he was tempted to turn on the webcamera that was on Grimmjow’s computer so that he could see him, but it didn’t feel right to do so right now.

“Got any suggestions for what I can do to just… distract myself for a bit?”

“Watch a movie? Play video games?”

“Yeah, because a game filled with shooting is going to help right now.”

Ulquiorra was quiet for a moment. Well, he guessed it was understandable why the other snapped at him like that, but for the first time in a while he felt anxiety rise again. It was strange how he hadn’t felt that at all during the whole shooting, not like this at least, and even when Grimmjow had called he had been surprisingly calm. Maybe it was because there was a mission, he had a reason to interact with him. However, that was falling apart a bit now.

“Sorry,” Grimmjow sighed.

“No, it’s fine. There are video games that are not violent you know, or video games that does not contain anything that looks realistic. I don’t know if fantasy games will trigger you because of some of the sounds, but…”

“Yeah. I think I’ll stick with a movie or something for now.” There was a moment of silence. “So… would you mind coming over and watch it with me?”

Ulquiorra dropped his phone. Wait what!? His heart was beating like mad and he could feel himself tremble a bit. Over there… and watch a movie with him? No, no he could not. He knew it might seem heartless of him to say no, but he simply could not, he did not want to have a panic attack today.

He picked up the phone again. “S-sorry. Dropped my phone.”

“Got a bit worried there. You okay? You don’t have to come here, it was just a suggestion… didn’t really feel like watching a movie alone.”

“Hmm.” Ulquiorra thought for a moment. “We… could watch it together, just not in the same room. There are sites where you can share movies and watch together with people, and if you have Discord then we could use that to talk during the movie.”

“That’ll work.” Grimmjow sounded oddly enthusiastic. “I’ll figure out what we should watch, and you find that site. Also, what’s your Discord?”

“I’ll text it to you.”

Grimmjow hung up and Ulquiorra turned towards his computer. This felt insane. Should he really allow Grimmjow this close? Had it not been for the horrible event that had happened the night before then he would have been sure that Grimmjow was just doing this to eventually hurt him. However… it didn’t seem plausible that he would do something like that. First of all, trauma, no way would he, with everything going on in his mind, be plotting how to hurt Ulquiorra. Second of all, that really didn’t seem like Grimmjow. If he had an issue with someone he would walk up to them and punch them, not plot and scheme.

He sent his discord account to Grimmjow and was soon sent a friend request. With a deep breath he accepted.

Grimmjow: Yo!  
Grimmjow: So I was thinking. We could watch Mean Girls.

Ulquiorra stared at the screen for a bit. Now, that was a surprise.

Ulquiorra: Sure. Never seen it before, but it shouldn’t be hard to find and stream.  
Grimmjow: Whaaaaat? The fuck kind of movies do u normally watch?  
Ulquiorra: Thrillers? Psychological horror? I don’t watch a lot of movies. More of a tv series kind of person.  
Grimmjow: Neat. Next time you pick a movie for us to watch.

Next… time? Ulquiorra stared at the screen for a bit. Grimmjow… wished to do this again? His heart skipped a beat at that. This was honestly terrifying, to have someone who suddenly wished to spend time with you, and who appeared to want to get to know you. Ulquiorra had to take a deep breath and clear his throat, he could feel himself get emotional over this.

He sent the link to the site where they were going to watch the movie together and put on his headset and just in time for Grimmjow to call.

“Ready?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Got snacks, and soda, and company. Yeah, I’m ready.”

Ulquiorra smiled a bit at that comment and started the movie. This… this felt nice. It was strange, but so nice, and he really had to mute himself so that Grimmjow couldn’t hear him sob. This was so surreal.

Through the movie Grimmjow would make comments, often try to be funny. Ulquiorra didn’t say too much, but he did manage to get in a bit of snark here and there as he got a bit more comfortable. It really helped that they were not in the same room.

After the movie, Grimmjow decided to try to get some sleep, something Ulquiorra would not be able to after that. So he sat there, reading over their short discord chat a couple of times, just slowly letting the reality of this all sink in, and it hit him like a brick being thrown at his chest. He placed both hands over his mouth to both help with the hyperventilating and silence his sobs. To think that just talking to someone and watching a movie with them would affect him like this.

He had no idea how long it took before he managed to calm down properly, but in the end he was exhausted, which did allow him to fall asleep. Once he woke up he went out to get something to eat, just picking up a pizza, and a lot of snacks, since he felt like he needed it. Also got some baked goods since he was in a mood apparently. When he got back he saw that Grimmjow had sent him a message on Discord. Stupid phone never telling him when people talked to him on Discord.

Grimmjow: sup?  
Ulquiorra: Just got back, needed food. You?  
Grimmjow: Bored as all hell. Had to spend some time at the hospital. They are apparently checking who out of us might need a bit of therapy.  
Ulquiorra: At least you’re getting the help you need.  
Grimmjow: Yeah. Though I do not need half of the help some of these others need. Some of them are so broken it’s almost painful to be in the same room as them. I guess I have you to thank for not being worse than I am right now.  
Ulquiorra: I can’t imagine what the other survivors must have seen.  
Grimmjow: Didn’t you watch the footage?  
Grimmjow: Honestly, are you okay?

 

Ulquiorra froze. He knew Grimmjow was just asking if he was okay because of what he might have seen that night, but it felt like he was asking if he was okay in general, as though the other knew he might struggle a bit now and then. Either way… Grimmjow was showing care, and that care… He had no idea how to deal with it. It was just a question and yet he was about to start crying again.

Ulquiorra: I’m fine. Haven’t shown any symptoms of PTSD.

Guess he already had so many issues there weren’t room enough for more.

They continued to talk, until Grimmjow decided to leave. The next day, and the day after that was much the same. They spent a lot of time just talking, sometimes Grimmjow would call him up just because he needed a distraction from what was going on inside his mind. Now and then they would watch a movie together. Grimmjow did still suggest they meet up, but Ulquiorra managed to come up with an excuse not to. He had no idea if he would be able to deal with Grimmjow in person right now. Especially not after how much they had been talking.

Then school was back, and Ulquiorra found that Grimmjow spent a lot of time in the area of the academy Ulquiorra was in, so now he had to really do his best to avoid him. Sometimes hiding in empty rooms just to wait for him to pass by, but he knew he couldn’t hide from him forever, especially since he would now and then text him and ask him where he was.


	8. Hanging out together

He looked at his phone when he heard he got a text. Grimmjow was asking him where he was. It really didn’t feel right to avoid him anymore, especially since Grimmjow really did not want to give up. Grimmjow clearly wanted to spend time with him… Why? Well, he guessed the fact that he was there with him through a traumatic event could explain why he would feel a emotional connection with him. That’s just what the brain did, but still…

He took a deep breath and texted him his location. Ulquiorra had been on his way to the library, but he guessed this was a change of plans. So while he waited he moved a bit out of the way so that he wasn’t standing in the middle of the hallways. The waiting also allowed the anxiety to rise within him and his mind decided to play all sort of images of things he could say or do wrong, how badly he could fuck up while Grimmjow was here.

“Anyone home?”

Ulquiorra jumped. He had been lost in his own thoughts and hadn’t seen or heard Grimmjow approach, so now he was suddenly there, standing right next to him with a wide grin. “... Um.” Nope, he couldn’t talk, he had lost that ability and instead looked away, but Grimmjow didn’t appear to be bothered by that at all.

“I was thinking we could head to the cafe that is just around the corner, they got some freaking amazing waffles there. You haven’t eaten lunch yet, have you?”

Ulquiorra shook his head. No, he hadn’t had any food today at all.

“Good! Let’s go, I’m buying, so don’t worry about money.”

Ulquiorra stared at him with wide eyes. Grimmjow was planning to spend money on him. Why would he do that? He had no reason to do something like that, he didn’t owe Ulquiorra anything, and he knew Grimmjow didn’t have all that much money, while money was not a problem for Ulquiorra at all because of his hacking abilities.

Grimmjow frowned a bit at him. “You okay, Ulqui?”

“Y… yes, I’m perfectly fine.” He managed to pull himself together, he didn’t need Grimmjow to see how this affected him.

Grimmjow gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Let’s go then.”

Ulquiorra nodded and together they walked out of the school and towards the cafe. It was a cute little place. Plenty of nice food, both sweet and savory. A lot of students would go here, though most of them did so after school, and not during lunch hours, so the place was thankfully not stuffed right now.

“You been here before?” Grimmjow asked as he snatched two menus and headed towards an empty table, Ulquiorra just following along.

“No.” Too many people here.

“Then you’re in for a treat,” Grimmjow said and flashed Ulquiorra a grin that caused him to blush slightly. Oh this felt like a date. It made him want to run away, and for a moment he really did consider running out of there, but then there would be questions and people would stare at him even more.

Ulquiorra was given one of the menus and pretty much used it as a shield so that he wouldn’t have to look at Grimmjow, and completely forgot to see what was on the menu.

“Figuring out what you want?”

Panic. He hadn’t, so he just looked over the menu quickly, just pick something, don’t make Grimmjow wait. “Crepe with nutella and bananas,” he quickly responded, it was the first thing he had seen on the menu when he actually looked at it, and thankfully it actually sounded good. Once before he had just picked something like this and it had been awful, but he had felt like he had to eat it since he had ordered it.

“Nice. What sort of milkshake do you want?” Grimmjow asked as he got up.

“I don’t need one,” Ulquiorra tried.

“Come on. Don’t worry about money. What milkshake do you want? Or maybe you don’t like milkshake. In that case, what drink do you want?”

Oh God this was a lot for him to deal with, and he had to force himself to sit perfectly still, or else the other might find out just how emotional and uncomfortable he was right now.

“Banana?”

Grimmjow grinned again. “I see you’ve got a favorite fruit there.” He winked, which caused Ulquiorra to look away. That sounded awfully suggestive. 

Grimmjow stayed by the counter until the milkshakes were made and he returned with them. His own was green. “Chocolate and mint,” Grimmjow said.

“I figured,” Ulquiorra mumbled.

Grimmjow didn’t sit down, instead he headed over to the counter again to wait for the rest of their orders. They didn’t get served here, but those working here did clean up after them, so they wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Soon enough Grimmjow returned and place the crepe in front of Ulquiorra, and he himself had ordered a stack of pancakes with berries and syrup, and belgian waffles covered in chocolate, AND a bowl of ice cream sundae. Wow.

“Don’t think I can eat it all? Just wait and see,” Grimmjow said, clearly proud that he could somehow eat all of this. He really was a bottomless pit.

This was a side of Grimmjow he had never really seen before. He knew the other liked food, and he knew some people had called his stomach a black hole, but now he really got to see proof of it.

As Grimmjow wolfed down the food he had ordered, Ulquiorra really took his time with the crepe, mainly since he wasn’t really hungry, and he could only eat small amounts of food at a time since he was so used to barely eating. Just half a milkshake and he felt full. So this was going to take some time.

“Was it not good?” Grimmjow asked, causing Ulquiorra to drop his fork.

“It was good,” he quickly said, and Grimmjow rose an eyebrow slightly at him.

“Sooo, what’s the problem then?”

Ulquiorra looked away, feeling as though Grimmjow would figure everything out if Ulquiorra dared to look at him for much longer.

“Not hungry, or… am I making you uncomfortable?”

Panic. He looked down, he couldn’t look at him right now. Brows drawn together a bit as he tried to focus. His mind felt like it was in the middle of a storm. Thoughts swirling around him making him feel dizzy and unwell. Like he was going to throw up.

“Ulquiorra, hey.”

A hand on his shoulder and Ulquiorra blinked and looked up at him. Grimmjow had moved and was sitting next to him now, instead of across the table. When had he moved?

“You okay?”

“A bit tired.” That was a lie, though soon enough all this emotional stress was going to tire him out.

“Okay… just take it easy there okay, you looked a bit unwell. If you don’t want to eat that’s fine,” Grimmjow said softly and went back to his seat and continued to eat as if nothing had happened.

Ulquiorra managed to finish almost half of the crepe, and about half of the milkshake when Grimmjow was done consuming all the things he had ordered. The difference between how much they ate was almost ridiculous.

“Man that was good. Would have gone here more often had it not been for how unhealthy it actually is, and I don’t like going to places like this alone,” Grimmjow said and leaned back.

Ulquiorra said nothing.

They stayed there for a while longer, Grimmjow talking and Ulquiorra mostly just nodding or giving one word responses, but Grimmjow didn’t appeared bothered by this. Eventually they went back to the academy, and parted ways. It was about ten minutes until next class, so in that time Ulquiorra found himself a completely empty classroom and broke down. He would not have been able to act like nothing for the rest of the day, so it was best to just get it over with now, so that he could get through the rest of the day and just collapse on his bed when he got home.

This almost became a habit. Grimmjow would continue to ask Ulquiorra out, to eat, or just hang out, or study together, or watch a movie. Usually Ulquiorra would decline, especially when it came to places that would have a lot of people in them. He did once say yes to study with him, which did not work out as well as he had thought. Ulquiorra found it impossible to focus on his studies with Grimmjow this close, and he was so glad he had said no to do this at Grimmjow’s dorm. However, he did manage to help Grimmjow a bit. 

On another occasion he did say yes to go to the movie theater with Grimmjow, and that really, really felt like a date, but it did go well, for the most part. After all, they were sitting in a dark room, just focusing on a movie… until Grimmjow decided to lean a bit too close and talk to him.

As time passed he had thought he would grow more and more used to Grimmjow, but he didn’t. He kept lying, kept feeling anxious, and continued to be quiet, never allowing himself to really talk. At least not face to face. On Discord he was more relaxed, but he still kept all his cards very close to his chest, never letting Grimmjow know much about him, usually ignoring personal questions or any questions that required Ulquiorra to open up even the slightest.

He was still stuck in his own little box, refusing to let Grimmjow in no matter how much he knocked.


	9. Christmas Gift

This had been going on for months. Grimmjow continued to want to spend time with Ulquiorra, who was avoiding him half the time, fearing the other would get too close to him, and with that reason he couldn’t get himself to open up to him. By December Grimmjow pretty much only knew his name, his phone number, and that he was not from the city, and that he liked video games. Nothing more, nothing no one else couldn't figure out.

At one point Grimmjow had confronted Ulquiorra about this, telling him that he wouldn’t feel so alone if he dared open up. This had scared Ulquiorra more than anything, since he had not expected the other to figure out that yes, he was lonely, he was just so used to it that he never thought about it. In response he had told Grimmjow that he wasn’t lonely, that he simply preferred his own company rather than others and walked away before Grimmjow could say anything else.

Now Christmas was around the corner, and everyone was talking about Christmas parties being held or what gifts to give one another or who was going home to their families. Ichigo was staying with his family, and so was most others. Both Aizen and Grimmjow had decided to stay, Aizen since he didn’t really celebrate Christmas and wished to continue working, while Grimmjow didn’t give a single damn about his family so he would rather stay here where he was closer to his friends.

Then there was the issue of Christmas gifts. Ulquiorra already knew what to get each of the three he was stalking. There were things he had picked up on while listening or reading conversations they had been in, or seeing what they had been looking for online.

For Aizen he had managed to get two tickets to an opera that was happening in the city in early January. All the tickets had been sold out within two hours of the ticket sale opening, so Aizen had been rather disappointed he had not managed to get tickets for it, he had been talking about that opera ever since it was announced to be held here. So, of course Ulquiorra had to get tickets for him. One of him and one for a friend, and he guessed that friend was going to be Ichigo.

For Ichigo he had managed to find some original prints of Shakespeare's play Macbeth. He knew Ichigo loved Shakespeare’s work so this would be the perfect gift to give him.

Then there was Grimmjow. He was a bit of a problem. Of course he knew what to get him, but the problem was the Grimmjow kept asking Ulquiorra what he wanted for Christmas. Each time he was asked he just shook his head and told him not to give him anything. He couldn’t remember ever being given a Christmas gift, or a gift in general, so the thought of someone doing something that selfless for him almost made him feel sick. Now, what was he going to get Grimmjow? Though Grimmjow was the sporty type, and really made sure that everyone knew that his main interest was sports, there was another side to him too. A side of him he didn’t really talk about. Grimmjow could be a bit of a nerd at time, and he did watch a stupid amount of tv series, especially fantasy series, and listened to a lot of audio books. He didn’t have the patience for normal books, but he liked the stories so audiobooks were the best option for him. But, being a bit of a nerd for some tv series, and Ulquiorra knew exactly which ones, so he had managed to get a prop from one of those series that was signed by the actors. It had been on an auction and all that money would go to charity, not that Ulquiorra cared much about that, but it was good for him that they decided to sell about 50 props from the series, since then he could pick the one that Grimmjow would like the most. So, as he knew who Grimmjow’s favourite character was, he had managed to get the cape that character had used for the three first seasons, until he got a costume change, and the leather gloves the character had been wearing for those seasons too. All signed by the actor. A perfect gift.

Now came the hard part. None of them could know that Ulquiorra was the one giving them these gifts, he had managed during their birthdays to give secret gifts too, though then he had had to send it to them, which had been a lot easier. Now, he needed to somehow give them these gifts without them noticing. This really was a S ranked stealth mission, and he might not have the levels required to do this, but he would try. He had a two weeks to do this, and that would give him plenty of opportunity to sneak these gifts to them.

First was Aizen. It was easy enough. The gift was small so all he had to do was get close and sneak it into his bag without Aizen noticing. It… shouldn’t be that hard, right?

Monday, and it was lunch break, perfect time to find Aizen and give him the gift. He checked his phone to see where Aizen was and his shoulders sank. The main food hall. That place would be filled with students right now and Ulquiorra got dizzy just by thinking of entering that place to give him the gift. Then again, with that many people, it was less likely for him to get noticed, that’s why thieves preferred crowded areas.

He took a deep breath and headed towards the food hall, the whole time his heart was beating incredibly quickly in his chest, and he was struggling to appear calm. It felt as though he was heading towards a battlefield filled with enemy soldiers and he had no chances of getting out of there alive. Getting there took way less time than he had thought, and he didn’t feel prepared at all to enter, so for a moment he just stood and stared at the double doors. He took a deep breath and let it out in a long shaky sigh. He could do this. He could do this. Come on, just step forward. No one cared he was there, who would even look at him, he was like a ghost. Yeah, just imagine that he was invisible.

Another deep breath and he pushed the door open and stepped inside. As he thought, it was loud and filled with students and immediately adrenaline started to pump through his body. He pulled his hood up over his head, just in case someone might know who he was and he checked his phone. Aizen was… he looked up and looked towards one of the lines to pay for the food. Yes, there he was. Okay, there were about four people ahead of him, he had to get there, place the gift in his bag and then get away before Aizen was done. Could he do it? He had to.

Three people in front of Aizen now. He had to move. With his head lowered he moved forward, hands in his pocket and fingers gripping the gift. Adrenaline surging through his body. Closer and closer he got, and the adrenaline was going to turn into panic at any moment now. He was so close to Aizen now. Shit. Okay, he just needed to sneak that gift into his bag. He calculated his moved and quickly slipped the gift out of his pocket and managed to place it inside of Aizen’s bag, without having to stop moving. Ulquiorra might have looked a bit awkward there for a moment, but it looked like no one noticed. From there he just continued on without looking back and went out the door that was on this side of the food hall and once he was out of that place he started to run. He had no idea why, panic had taken hold of him and the urge to flee was too intense for him to go against.

He ran until he found himself outside, close to the sports field, that was when he stopped and sank to his knees, gasping for air, his whole body trembling.

“Ulquiorra? You okay?”

Why did they always find him when he was at his worst? He looked up and saw Grimmjow and Ichigo looking at him. Grimmjow took a few steps closer to him, which prompted Ulquiorra to scramble to his feet and step back.

“I’m fine.. Just.. jogging.” Bad excuse, but it was something. Neither of them appeared to believe him, but he quickly jogged away before either of them could ask more questions. He did not have the stamina to be moving around like this.

The rest of the break was spent just calming down. Then it was back to class and the rest of the day went like normal. Though he did get a text from Grimmjow where he told him that if he wanted to talk, then he was here to listen. He didn’t answer.

One out of three gifts done. Hopefully the other two wouldn’t be as stressful.

Finding a good opportunity to give Ichigo the gift was harder than expected. He couldn’t slip it into his bag as easily as he had been able to with Aizen. Books were a bit bigger than tickets after all, and Ichigo was never away from his bag for long enough for Ulquiorra to place something in it, but he would just have to continue to follow him around and see if he could find an opening.

It was Thursday when he finally did. Ichigo was in the library studying, his bag placed on a chair next to him and Ulquiorra was hanging around nearby. There were no people in this part of the library, thankfully, as everyone else was in class. Ulquiorra should have been in class too, but this mission was a bit more important, and he wasn’t exactly missing anything new. He was months ahead of the rest of the class after all.

Ulquiorra was pretending to look for some books, but the whole time he kept track of Ichigo’s movements, but the few times he walked away from his things he returned too quickly. This was really a risk, but he hoped it would pay off. He just had to be patient. Yesterday he had done the same, and hesitated so he had missed the opportunity to place the gift in his bag. He was not going to lose his chance like that again.

Ichigo moved. Ulquiorra’s attention was fully on him now, and he was glad he was standing out of his view so he wouldn’t notice that he was being stared at. Then Ichigo started to look around, which caused Ulquiorra to quickly hide, and instead use his phone to track where Ichigo was, since thankfully, he had his phone in his pocket. Ichigo walked away, and was soon so far away he wouldn’t be able to see his bag. That was when Ulquiorra darted out and got over to Ichigo’s bag and quickly picked the gift out of his own bag and placed it into Ichigo’s before then walking away as quickly as possible, and at the end it had turned into a run more than a walk. Like before, adrenaline was pulsing through him and panic was causing him to tremble so much he could barely stand. He felt like he was going to throw up. Next year, he would have to find another method to deliver those gifts, since this was not something he wished to repeat again.

Now, it was only Grimmjow’s gift left.

Tuesday next week, this was a good time to do it. He didn’t have class, and he knew Grimmjow was out practicing with his team, which meant the locker room was going to be empty of people, and Ulquiorra would be able to place Grimmjow’s gift in his bag. This was still nerve wrecking.

Before entering he had hacked the cameras to just repeat the last few minutes, in case someone was watching as he did not want to be seen. When he got to the locker room, which he easily unlocked with a keycard. He had one that unlocked everything in this school, pretty easy technology to tinker with. So, then he carefully opened the door, listening in case there were anyone in there, but it was perfectly silent. Good.

Quickly he stepped inside. Now, where would Grimmjow’s things be? He couldn’t see what bag belonged to whom from here, so he picked up his phone and looked for the signal to Grimmjow’s phone. He followed it over to a corner bench and yeah, that was Grimmjow’s jacket, that was for sure, and his bag… and the rest of his things. 

He put his phone away and then picked the gift out of his bag when he heard a door open and he froze.

“Ulquiorra?”

He turned around and dropped the gift as he did so. Why did Grimmjow have to show up? WHY!? It was like he was frozen as he stood there and stared at the other. There was no words, he had nothing to say, no excuse and no explanation. Panic was rising especially as Grimmjow moved towards him. Run. He had to run.

Ulquiorra whirled around and managed two steps before he felt an arm wrap around him and prevented him from leaving.

“What are you doing here, Ulquiorra?” Grimmjow asked as he pretty much lifted Ulquiorra up and placed him down again, so now Grimmjow was between Ulquiorra and the door.

“I… I just… I.. I was told to deliver something to you,” he managed. It was not convincing, but panic had settled into his body and he couldn’t think clearly.

“Uh?” Grimmjow’s attention turned towards the gift and he picked it up. He frowned a bit and looked between the gift and Ulquiorra. Then… he started to open it. Ulquiorra knew he was on the verge of crying right now, this was not supposed to be happening. “How…. how did you know that I…?” Grimmjow paused and looked up at Ulquiorra again. “Wait… you perfectly avoiding both Aizen, Ichigo, and I, you knew we were at that party and you had our numbers… and… you’re the one who has been stalking us.”

His world fell apart and broke into a thousand pieces.


	10. The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second reason why there's a lot of warnings here.

Everything was falling apart around him.

Grimmjow had figured it out, and Ulquiorra couldn’t think of anything to say to convince him otherwise. In fact, he could barely think at all, so instead he rushed out of there before Grimmjow could grab hold of him again, and he was out of the whole building. On the way he threw his bag aside, it was slowing him down.

He ran, and ran, and it wasn’t until he was about to pass out that he noticed where he was running. To the dorm. For a moment he paused, considering his next move, then he started to walk again, still heading in the direction he had been before. He knew what he had to do. It was time. The sign he had been looking for was there. He could not go back to the life he had been used to after this. With Grimmjow knowing, then Ichigo and Aizen would know. Then the school might be informed, and then the police.

This, what he had done. It had all been a big mistake, but he had really realized that too late.

He passed by Orihime who tried to stop and talk to him but he brushed by her and pushed her side when she reached out for him. She was talking, but he didn’t hear a single word she said, though when he did look at her she became quiet. He couldn’t tell why, but he didn’t care, she didn’t matter.

“Leave me be, woman.”

He entered the building and went to the right floor and into the space they shared, and straight to his room. He could hear Orihime calling behind him. She was following him. Too late. Whatever she tried, she would not be able to stop him, as though she knew what he was planning.

Door locked, and he turned on music, just to drown out everything around him, be it Orihime calling and knocking on the door or his own thoughts. For a moment he just stood in the middle of the room and looked around. Well… this would be goodbye. He used the sleeve of his hoodie to dry away the tears as he walked into his bathroom and picked up the sleeping pills. Right now he was glad he had a bottle of water here, even if he never drank water, except now and then… and this water was good since it had flavour in it. At least something decent to down these pills.

He knew how to do it. Swallowing too many at once would cause him to vomit. So he took two at first as he sat down in front of his computer and started to delete various programs and files, removing the worst he had there that people might be able to access if they were to check. Most of what was on his computer was encrypted, so he didn’t have to worry about anyone every figuring out what was there.

Ten minutes had gone by, so he took two more pills. He should start to feel a bit drowsy soon and at this point he needed to get up and start to walk around to keep himself awake until he had consumed enough pills.

Two more pills. Then two more, and now he had to walk around as they had started to affect him. He could hear knocking on his door still, but he didn’t care, they didn’t matter… and honestly… they should be glad that he was soon going to be gone.

“I should have done this years ago,” he mumbled to himself and took two more pills. Ugh he felt sluggish, but he needed to continue to eat those pills, just stay awake and continue on. If this didn’t work then he had no other option but to cut his wrists, and that would be so incredibly messy… actually…

He dropped the pill bottle and managed to make his way into the bathroom again and picked up a razor. He cut himself as he did so, but felt no pain.

There would be no guarantee that the sleeping pills would kill him. Many people would go for those when trying to commit suicide since it would be a very painless death, but most sleeping pills these days weren’t strong enough to kill. So… might as well do this to ensure he didn’t survive. He didn’t want to survive. He had ruined the pathetic life he had, so what was the point? There was none. He deserved this, he deserved to die, and the others deserved a world where he did not exist.

He walked back into the bedroom and made his way over to his bed. For a moment he had to shake his head to gain enough focus to do this. Everything was so blurry and hard to make out.

His sleeves were rolled up and without hesitation he pushed the razor into his skin of his wrist until it broke through and cut. Blood flowed out of the wound he had made. It didn’t hurt. He couldn’t feel anything. So… strange. He would hurt himself to feel, but now it did nothing. Then he switched hands and cut across his other wrist before dropping the razor. Where it landed he didn’t know as he decided to just lay down and let the sleeping pills he had been taking do their job.

The last thing he heard was the music coming from his computer, and someone still knocking on his door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't actually the end, I'm not that cruel.


	11. The beginning

Someone… was someone holding his hand? It felt warm. A strange kind of warm. The grip the other had was gentle, and he tried to return it, but he didn’t have the strength to do more than slightly move his fingers. The hand that was holding onto his moved away. No. No please don’t go. Please. It was cold again. He didn’t like that.

He opened his eyes slightly, only to close them again at the bright lights. This… this was not an afterlife, not that he had believed anything but darkness would have come with death. The smell, the sounds. This was a hospital. He had failed. How incredibly pathetic. He couldn’t even kill himself.

There was movement around him. People talking. Someone said his name, it was a voice he didn’t recognize, so he didn’t bother even trying to respond. Then it all faded out again, like it was all distant, so far, far away, his body felt even heavier, and then it was back to the darkness he had been trapped in.

He could hear voices again. He knew them, but he couldn’t tell who it was. Someone was there. They sounded… concerned? He shifted a bit, but as he moved he noticed that he was hooked up to something, there was something attached to his arms. Something was over his mouth, he lifted a hand to remove it, he didn’t want it there, it made it strange to breath.

“Hey, hey, settle down.”

He knew that voice… Slowly he opened his eyes. The light was so bright. It was hard to focus on the person talking, though that blue hair certainly made it easy to figure out who it was.

“Grimm… jow?” his throat felt hoarse and dry, and talking was hard.

“I’m here, just relax, okay? A nurse is on her way here.”

Soon enough the nurse did appeared and removed the, whatever it was, that was over his mouth and nose. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.”

“That’s understandable. Just rest. Your body has been through a lot.”

“How… how long?”

“You’ve been in a coma for four days.”

“Uh…” he had nothing to say to that. Four days. That’s for how long he had been out. “Can.. I have some water?”

“Of course.”

Before the nurse left she detached him from a few of the things he had been hooked up to. He didn’t care enough to really look at what they were. So now his arms were mostly free. As he looked down he saw that his wrists were bandaged up.

“They even had to stitch up the arteries you severed.” It was Grimmjow talking again. Ulquiorra didn’t respond, he couldn’t even get himself to look up at him. “It was a bloodbath when we finally got into your room… I swear I thought you had died.”

Ulquiorra frowned. Grimmjow sounded a bit choked up about this. Why would he care? He shouldn’t care. After all, he knew what sort of person Ulquiorra was, he knew Ulquiorra was a stalker, that he had stalked him, so why was he upset. He closed his eyes for a moment, holding back tears, and as he did so he felt Grimmjow touch his hand and he snapped his eyes open again and quickly retracted his hand. Don’t touch… don’t be so gentle. There was nothing he had done to deserve to be treated so well. When he looked at Grimmjow all he saw was worry. Why was he worried!? He wanted to scream at the other, yell at him to stop acting like this, to stop caring.

The nurse returned with the water and Ulquiorra took it with a quiet ‘thank you’. He downed the whole glass. Much better.

“If there is anything then just press that button and I will come right away. The doctor will be visiting you in a few hours,” the nurse said and walked away, only to return with a mug filled with water and placed it on the table next to Ulquiorra, then she walked out again.

“They trust me to be around glass…” he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“Because you’re being watched, that’s why, and I’m here, and I not going to let you hurt yourself. Fuck… Ulquiorra. For how long have you been in this much pain?”

Ulquiorra kept his gaze away from Grimmjow, just staring towards the window. He didn’t answer. Grimmjow moved, and he felt weight on the side of the bed. Please do not come closer. You should not be this close. Go away. Just, let me rot in peace. Let me fade into nothing. Let me be forgotten by everyone. Let me disappear. Let me die.

“We want to help you. I know telling you how many were worried and how much people cried because of this won’t help you, won’t change how you think, but know that you’re not alone… and you do not deserve to be alone. I’m not a psychologist, and you really need one right now, but I’m your friend, I see you as my friend, and I want to help you, I want to support you. When the world feels too heavy to carry, let me carry it with you. When it feels like you’re drowning because of everything that is going on inside your head, let me be there to keep you afloat. Let me help and support you to get you out of this prison you’ve made for yourself.”

All Ulquiorra could do during that speech was stare at him. He wasn’t even aware of the tears rolling down his cheeks. “Why?”

“Because I know you’re not as awful as you think you are, because I like spending time with you, and because I give a damn about you. I want you to not have to deal with whatever shit you’ve had to deal with, I want you to get better. You’ve saved my life, and I’m going to return the favor. Deal with it.”

Ulquiorra closed his eyes. He didn’t have anything to say, and his throat felt too tight for him to speak anyway. Grimmjow’s hand was on his again. It was warm, and comforting. Had it been Grimmjow who had held his hand the first time he had awoken? It felt the same. This time he didn’t pull his hand away.

“Thanks for letting me touch you. I know human contact is a real issue for you.” Grimmjow paused. “So, I’ll ask before I do this. Is it okay if I hug you? I know you haven’t had a hug from anyone before, so I didn’t want to just force you into a situation you weren’t ready for.”

Grimmjow’s talking was just making the crying worse. He had clearly paid more attention to Ulquiorra than he had thought, and to hear just how much he cared. It was something he had never experienced before, and had no idea how to deal with. He couldn’t answer that question, at least not at first, and Grimmjow did nothing to push on, didn’t ask again or move away. Eventually Ulquiorra decided to nod a ‘yes’, since the only sounds he could make was low sobs. He had never broken down like this in front of anyone before, and it made it feel so much worse. What a pathetic mess he was.

“Okay. Just push at me or tell me ‘no’ if you want me to back off.”

Grimmjow let go of Ulquiorra’s hand and then he felt his arms wrap around him and pulled him close. It was a loose and gentle embrace. One arm wrapped around his waist while the other was running up and down his back in a soothing motion. Ulquiorra leaned his head against Grimmjow’s shoulder as he continued to cry, his fingers gripping the front of his shirt as tightly as he could.

No words were spoken as they sat there, and Ulquiorra had no idea for how long, but eventually he stopped crying. He was absolutely exhausted, but he didn’t want to move, it meant that Grimmjow would stop touching him, and he didn’t want that.

“Feeling any better?”

“No. I feel exhausted.” He had never understood why crying would make things better, it just tired him out and made him feel numb, and once that was over he was back to feel like he had before.

“Then lay down and relax for a bit, maybe take a nap or something. I’ll stay here, don’t worry.”

Grimmjow let go of Ulquiorra and guided him to lay back down, and went back to holding his hand instead. Apparently he understood that Ulquiorra wanted some human contact.

“You really look like you’ve been through hell,” Grimmjow decided to say.

Ulquiorra huffed and rolled his eyes. “Thank you.”

All Grimmjow did in return was grin, clearly proud of himself for that comment. “So, you going to let me help you?”

“I… I suppose.” It would be nice to not feel like he once had, though he didn’t really think that Grimmjow or anyone would be able to make it better.

“Good, but there’s two things you have to promise me.”

“Oh joy…” that was said with as much sarcasm as Ulquiorra could muster.

“First, you start to go to a therapist. I know the guys here will talk to you about it. I’ll even freaking drive you to your appointment and pick you up afterwards, so you’re not going to be allowed to skip out unless there’s a real reason for it.”

“Fine.” He was not looking forward to it.

“Second, no lying. You’re going to tell me the truth from now on. If you feel like hell, tell me, if you don’t feel anything, tell me, if you hate the shirt I’m wearing, tell me. I don’t want lies here, because I can’t help you if I have to guess what is really going on or doubt what you’re telling me.”

“Fine.” That was even harder. All he had ever done was lie. He had lied to himself, to everyone around him.

“Let’s test that then. Tell me a truth you don’t really want me to know.”

“And you expect me to actually do that?”

“Yes. Do it. Come on, you’ve got a sharp tongue, you can call me out on whatever.”

“...” Ulquiorra took a deep breath. Okay. This was going to get Grimmjow mad, but fine. “Your car is ugly.”

For a moment Grimmjow just sat there and stared at him. “I’ll admit, I’m very offended right now. Good job. I’ll believe that you’re going to be truthful with me from now on.”

The doctor arrived and went to check on Ulquiorra’s vitals and ask how he was doing if there were any pains or any anything else, but really… he felt fine, physically, except for very, very tired, which was apparently to be expected. The hospital wished to keep him there for a few more days. Ulquiorra was asked if he wanted Grimmjow to stay as they continued to talk, and Ulquiorra said that he did. It felt a bit safer to have him there. So the topic of therapy came up, and the doctor had apparently been ready to have to talk to Ulquiorra for a long time about it, but Ulquiorra had already told Grimmjow he would do it so he agreed.

Twice a week. Monday and Wednesday. That sounded like a lot, but it was apparently necessary. He was not looking forward to it, to have to talk about his ‘feelings’.

Grimmjow on the other hand appeared very pleased with this, and he made sure to visit every day Ulquiorra was stuck in there. Orihime, Ichigo, and Aizen also visited, and they even brought gifts from other people too. They were glad to see him recover, and Orihime almost had a breakdown while she was there. Apparently she had been terrified Ulquiorra would die, and had worried for him long before he had tried to kill himself, and felt guilty she had done nothing to stop him, as though this was her fault and she should have known what he was planning. It was stupid, and made no sense, though he supposed his own logic didn’t make much sense either. Orihime placed everything on her shoulders when it came to this, Ichigo felt guilty for the people who had died at the party, and Ulquiorra felt guilty and awful for all sorts of things that might have been out of his control.

Finally he was out of the hospital, and Grimmjow had decided to pick him up.

“Sorry I had to pick you up in my ugly car,” Grimmjow grinned and Ulquiorra just sent him a sharp look.

“Maybe I should take the bus instead.”

He didn’t. He got into the car, and Grimmjow drove them back to the student accommodation where Ulquiorra lived. They didn’t really say anything as they drove, though there was something that had been nagging at Ulquiorra for a while, but he hadn’t wanted to take it up while at the hospital.

“You haven’t contacted the police about the stalking?”

“Nope.”

“Why?”

“Well. What you did was fucked up, so please never do anything like that again, but… your stalking did save me life, and you did give me money when I was struggling, and help me out in many other ways. It was like having a very, very creepy guardian hanging over me. How much did you actually know about me?”

Ulquiorra looked down at his lap, his wrists were still covered in bandaged. “I could see everything you did online, and on your phone. All messages and phone calls and your position if you had your phone with you, and I could see you through your webcam…”

“Sooo, you’ve seen me naked and having sex quite a few times then.”

“No. I would turn the camera off if you were with someone. I didn’t want to see that. Though I almost did once."

“What an ethical stalker. But you’re going to stop with that now, right?”

“Yes.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Grimmjow reached out and placed a hand on Ulquiorra’s shoulder. “Thanks.”

This was going to be a very, very strange life he was returning to, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he was ready for all the changes that was ahead of him, but he would try. At least now, there was a tiny light in the darkness he had been stuck in for so long, so… maybe there was hope for him after all.


	12. Guardian

They arrived at the flat where Ulquiorra lived and together they entered. As soon as the door had opened Orihime ran over to him and Ulquiorra could see that she had to use all the will power she had not to hug him. Good, he was still a bit shaky and didn’t want too much human contact at once.

“How are you feeling?” she asked carefully.

He didn’t want to answer, though he heard Grimmjow behind him and really, if he started this by lying to Orihime then he would break some of the trust he had with Grimmjow.

“Tired.” That was the only word he could use to describe how he felt. There was a lot of other things going on in his head too, but he was far too tired to try to explain all of that, so he decided to keep it simple.

She nodded and stepped out of his way. “Do you want something to eat? I was going to head to the bakery to get something sweet, I could get something for you too.”

Ulquiorra looked at her. This was really not necessary, she really should be…

“Get him some donuts or something, he likes sweets,” Grimmjow replied before Ulquiorra could. Apparently the other sensed that he did not feel like he deserved her kindness so before he could say ‘no’ Grimmjow instead decided to say ‘yes’.

Ulquiorra sent Grimmjow a look and then walked into his room, the other following behind him, closing the door. “You don’t have the answer for me.”

“Do you want donuts?”

“That is beside the point.”

“No, it’s not. Because your brain apparently goes first to the whole ‘do I deserve this’ and ignores the whole ‘do I want this’ part. If someone’s offering you something and you want it, just say ‘yes’. They’ll feel good about giving you something and hey, you get free stuff.”

Ulquiorra was quiet for a bit, and then turned to look around. There was no blood here… someone must have cleaned it up. No pills on the floor either. He walked over to the bed and decided to curl up in it. “How long are you planning to stay?”

“Until I’m certain you’re not going to kill yourself. If that takes weeks, or months, doesn’t fucking matter, I’ll stay, and I’ll take your couch while I’m here.”

Ulquiorra quickly sat up in his bed and stared at Grimmjow. “What?” Was he serious?

“Yeah. I want to make sure you’re safe, and if you’re not feeling well it might be easier for you to reach out if I’m physically here rather than if I was at my place and you would have to text or call me.” Grimmjow said it all with a shrug and then headed towards the bathroom. “I’ll just suicide proof this place first and then go and grab some of my things.”

“Why are you going so far for my sake?” Ulquiorra called after him.

“Because I think you’re worth the fucking effort.” There was a pause. “You’re an interesting person, honestly, you have skills and abilities, and you deserve so much better than what the hell the world, and you yourself, has given you thus far, and honestly, knowing that you felt that killing yourself was a better choice than living pissed me off. It pissed me off that something here made you want to do that, since it’s not fucking okay. Now get some rest and I’ll be back soon enough.”

Ulquiorra decided to lay down again and close his eyes, and when he was awoken later on it was by Grimmjow nudging his shoulder. “Yo, the donut fairy was just here.”

“Grow up,” Ulquiorra groaned as he sat up in bed and looked at the selection that was held out in front of him. Had she picked one of every type?

“I didn’t know what you liked,” Orihime called from the door.

“Uh… thanks,” Ulquiorra said and picked one that was chocolate and caramel. He didn’t eat it immediately, not until Grimmjow had turned away and Orihime was gone.

“So, wanna watch a movie or something?”

Ulquiorra looked over at Grimmjow who looked right at home on his couch.

“Sure.”

“You got Netflix?”

“Yes.”

Grimmjow grinned over at him, and gestured for him to join him on the couch. With a bit of hesitation Ulquiorra eventually decided to do so. This felt so strange, so incredibly strange.

“So I’ll order pizza, okay?”

“Sure,” Ulquiorra replied.

For the rest of that day they didn’t really do much. Just watch some tv, Grimmjow being an annoying backseat gamer when Ulquiorra was playing DOTA, even though Grimmjow knew nothing of the game.

Everything felt strangely… normal. Like nothing was wrong with him, and he supposed that that was one of Grimmjow’s goals right now, to make Ulquiorra feel normal.

As it became evening Grimmjow’s phone kept getting one message after another. Ulquiorra didn’t comment at first, though it felt so, so weird to have no idea what was being written on those messages. He was so used to have a overview over everything and now he knew nothing of what Grimmjow or Ichigo or Aizen was talking about or doing. 

“Popular,” Ulquiorra finally said, not looking away from his computer.

“Friday, you know. People want me to join parties, but eh… not feeling it. Rather be here and annoy the hell out of you. That and parties aren’t very tempting to go to after what happened.”

“Understandable.” He was a bit too focused to hold a conversation right now, and Grimmjow didn’t try, instead he took another slice of pizza and typed away on his phone.

“By the way, when is your first appointment with the psychologist?”

“Tuesday at 11. It’s at the hospital.”

“Cool. I’ll try to remember that.”

Silence again. It was… so strange. Grimmjow didn’t try to constantly talk to him, didn’t force him to hold a conversation and allowed the conversation to die whenever it felt natural. This was oddly comfortable. That was something he had never thought would happen. Him comfortable with another person like this. Now, the only thing that would have made it a bit easier was if he didn’t find Grimmjow attractive. For now, with everything that had happened, he had managed to keep those feeling pushed aside, but now they were starting to surface again.

“When do you usually go to sleep?”

Ulquiorra looked at the time when that question was asked. 2 am. “Whenever I’m tired. If I get tired.”

“Insomnia?” Grimmjow asked.

“I suppose,” Ulquiorra shrugged. He didn’t think much of it. “Sometimes I manage to sleep, sometimes I don’t.”

“So… do you know any way or technique that might help you sleep?”

Ulquiorra looked over at the other. He sounded really concerned. Was it that big of a deal that he didn’t sleep all that much? “No, I don’t.”

“Well, I suggest we both get some sleep now, and I’ll try something to see if it helps you sleep,” Grimmjow said with a huge grin.

“If it’s sex then I would like to pass,” Ulquiorra replied.

“Woooow. No, I wasn’t going to have sex with you, I was thinking of something else,” Grimmjow said, laughter in his voice as he spoke.

Yeah, having sex with him would be ridiculous. For half a second Ulquiorra considered his own appearance, something that had never mattered before. He was pale, skinny and short. Not exactly what most people would find attractive. Oh well, it really didn’t matter. Whatever he thought of his own appearance just kind of disappeared among all the other issues he had.

Ulquiorra got up and headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Ugh, he would have to wear pajamas from now on. Usually he would sleep in his underwear, but now Grimmjow was here.

“Your turn,” he said as he got out of there, and as Grimmjow was in the bathroom he changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt he could sleep with and crawled into bed. Guess he would be here all night instead of by his computer playing games. What a waste of time.

Grimmjow got out of the bathroom and stepped up to Ulquiorra’s bed and sat down on the edge. “So, just chill, okay. I’m not going to cuddle up to you or anything, unless you would like me to then I really wouldn’t mind.”

Ulquiorra stared at Grimmjow when he said that. Really? He would do that? Or was it a joke? He had no idea, and he wasn’t sure what he hoped it was either.

“Don’t look at me like that. Anyway, sometimes people struggle to fall asleep because they keep thinking instead of relaxing, you know. So I thought… if I could do something to help you not focus so damn much about what was going on inside your head, then you might be able to fall asleep.”

Grimmjow looked so incredibly proud of himself for this. Ulquiorra just sighed and closed his eyes. “Might as well try.” It would be nice to be able to sleep like a normal person, it would leave him feeling a lot better during the day. Or so he hoped.

“Close your eyes,” Grimmjow instructed, and Ulquiorra did as he was told, only to open them again when he felt Grimmjow’s fingers run through his hair. “Oy. What did I say?” Then his tone softened. “Yeah… guess no one’s done that to you before either. Fuck. I’m surprised you’re not starving for affection at this point.”

“Who said that I wasn’t?” Ulquiorra said quietly.

Grimmjow sighed, and Ulquiorra could see sadness in his expression. “Well, guess that’s something I’ll help you deal with, that and you barely eating food too. Not good for you, bro, we’ll have to work on that too.”

Ulquiorra just sighed and closed his eyes again. Once more he felt Grimmjow’s fingers run through his hair. It felt nice, it was soothing, relaxing. And that was all he remembered.


	13. First appointment

Tuesday was here. No school now as Christmas vacation was upon them. During the weekend most of the students had left, and everyone on the flat Ulquiorra lived at included. So now it was only him and Grimmjow there. With Orihime being the last one to leave on Tuesday morning, Grimmjow apparently decided that this evening they were going to have a party, just the two of them, in the kitchen… while making pizza. Could Grimmjow cook? Ulquiorra didn’t know, but he had made a joke about being there just to prevent Grimmjow from burning the place down, and Grimmjow appeared to be really happy about Ulquiorra making a joke.

So was Ulquiorra used to Grimmjow’s constant presence? No. Far from it. His heart would now and then skip a beat when he would get too close. Though he supposed having Grimmjow around did help, he managed to stay rather stable, maybe mostly since he did not want to have any noticeable mood dips while Grimmjow was around, so he kept himself at a place between neutral and numb. 

Ulquiorra had been sitting by his computer when Grimmjow decided to call his name to get his attention. Part of him wanted to ignore him or pretend he wasn’t feeling well since he did not like the thought of having to go to a stranger and talk about his ‘feeeeeelings’ and have a real pity party with this person who got paid to listen to him whine.

“I’m going to carry you to the car if you ignore me for much longer,” Grimmjow said and Ulquiorra got up and threw on a jacket and put on his shoes before following him outside. “Soo, while you’re busy with the psychologist I’m going to head to the store and buy some stuff for us. Maybe even find a Christmas present for you.”

Ulquiorra sent him a sharp look. “Don’t.”

“Why not? You freaking deserve a gift, and as far as I know, you didn’t celebrate your birthday this year.”

“It’s not an important day, and save your money for something you need rather than spend it on stupid gifts.”

“Um… First of all, yes it is an important fucking day. Second, not stupid, I am getting you a gift and you will deal with it.”

Ulquiorra sent him another look just before they got into the car. He did not bother replying to that comment.

“You’re fucking worth the attention okay. I get you don’t like the focus being on you, that’s why you’re the master of hiding away, and why you don’t want to celebrate your birthday, but the people who give a fuck about you do want you to know that you’re worth celebrating.”

Ulquiorra said nothing he just continued to stare out the window. He was pretty much tuning Grimmjow out, only partly listening to what he was saying. Nothing more was said until they arrived at the hospital, or the building behind the hospital, which was the psychiatric facilities. Here’s where people went for therapy or if they needed to live here due to mental illness being so severe they couldn’t live on their own.

“See you later,” Ulquiorra mumbled and opened the door and was about to get out only for Grimmjow to reach out and grab hold of him.

“Ulqui…”

Ulquiorra turned and looked at him. What now?

“You’re worth far more than you think you are, and I will find a way to make you see it.”

“Right,” Ulquiorra sighed.

“Just fucking watch me.”

Then he was allowed to leave.

He stepped into the building and walked over to the receptionist, who smiled kindly at him. Stop that. He knew it was fake, she just wanted to appear all pleasant and kind to make herself less threatening. After all, the people who came here were all sorts of broken.

“What can I do to help you?” she asked. Ugh. Her tone was too sweet.

“Ulquiorra Schiffer. I have an appointment.”

“Right. How do you spell your last name?”

Ulquiorra sighed. “S-c-h-i-f-f-e-r.”

“Thank you. Just follow the hallway to the right until you get to the waiting room. Mister Ukitake will come and pick you up.”

Ulquiorra nodded and walked on. He got to the hallway and at the very end there was a sign that pointed left with the word “Waiting room” written above the arrow. He stepped inside and took a seat. There were two other people there, but thankfully, they all had enough common sense not to speak, neither to each other or him. However, the anxiety of being here made this room feel so much smaller and tighter than it was, so he picked up his phone to distract himself.

Ulquiorra: In the waiting room now. Just… thought you should know.  
Grimmjow: Bored? Or lots of people? You feeling okay?

That was a lot of questions at once.

Ulquiorra: Not many people. Kind of anxious.

It was a lot easier to be honest when he didn’t have to talk to Grimmjow face to face.

Grimmjow: That’s understandable. I’m here, so just talk to me while you’re waiting.  
Ulquiorra: I hope you’re not texting and driving.  
Grimmjow: Oops?  
Ulquiorra: Idiot. I will talk to you when I’m done here.

He closed the app and instead decided to open up a mindless game on his phone while he waited. Ulquiorra didn’t have to wait for long. Whenever someone appeared in the doorway to the waiting room he would look up. Either a patient appearing to wait, or a psychologist appearing to pick up their patient.

A man with long white hair showed up and looked around for a moment. “Ulquiorra Schiffer?”

Ulquiorra got up and turned his phone off as he walked over to the man who smiled at him. No need to pretend to be nice, after all, this smiling man was getting paid to deal with him.

“I’m Jūshirō Ukitake, it’s nice to meet you,” the psychologist said and held out a hand. Ulquiorra didn’t take it. This did not appear to bother the man who soon lowered his hand and gestured for him to follow along instead. “Let’s go to my office and have a little chat. Do you want coffee or tea?”

“Neither.”

“Very well then,” he said, almost a bit cheerfully. He opened a door and they stepped inside.

Ulquiorra looked around for a moment. It was painted in light colors. Plants were on the desk that was in the corner, some pictures, a computer. Closest to them were two rather comfy looking chairs that were turned towards one another.

“Just make yourself comfortable,” Ukitake said and Ulquiorra sat down in one of the chairs and watched as the other fetched a notebook and a pen. “Now. I’ve heard from the hospital what had happened, so my first question is, how are you doing?”

Ulquiorra shrugged. “Fine, I suppose.”

Ukitake nodded. “It sounds like you don’t really know how you feel.”

No reply. He already disliked this. Feelings, he didn’t like them one bit and he disliked talking about them even more.

“Is it that you don’t understand what you’re feeling or why you’re feeling it?”

Ulquiorra shifted. This was uncomfortable. “Both.”

Ukitake nodded again. “Okay. We will take care of that one step at a time. But first-” he pulled out some sheets of paper and held them out for Ulquiorra to take “-I have a questionnaire I would like you to do, and then we will talk about it afterwards, okay?”

Ulquiorra took the papers, and the pen, that was held out to him, and started to fill it out. Questions, with each of them having several options. Often, sometimes, now and then, rarely, never. The questions ranged from asking about suicidal thoughts and self harm, to questions about mood swings and emotional issues to questions about self worth or self image.

It took some time to finish, but once he did he handed it back and he expected the other to look through it all, but instead he immediately started talking, asking about the first question, trying to get Ulquiorra to explain why he had answered what he had.

“You’ve had suicidal thoughts often?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know why?”

A shrug. That was he answer he gave to that.

“When you think back to the last few times you have had these thoughts, what had happened or what sort of situation were you in?”

A moment of silence as he thought. He sort of explained the situation with Grimmjow, though he did not mention how severe the stalking had been, or that he had been hacking him to stalk him. The time before that that he had been incredibly suicidal was when he had thought he would not get into the school, that his application would not be accepted.

“So the main trigger is this feeling of being trapped. That there is no other way out,” Ukitake said.

Ulquiorra hadn’t thought of that. “I… suppose you’re right.”

“You don’t handle unpredictability very well. You appear to be a person who likes to plan everything and be in control, so when something happens that goes against your plan you don’t know how to fully adjust to the change. Does this sound right to you?”

Ulquiorra felt his shoulders lower a bit and he looked away. “Yes.”

“So, we are going to need to find a way to help you manage unpredictability, and lack of control. Don’t worry, I’m not going to throw anything big at you right now, we’re just mapping out what we have to work on right now.”

Ulquiorra nodded.

Ukitake smiled and continued on down the list. They got to the self harm part.

“You hurt yourself? Can I ask how you do that?”

Ulquiorra shifted again. “Razors. I cut the skin on my thighs. I used to do it on my arms, but it became too visible.”

“When do you feel the need to cut?”

Another pause. This was hard to talk about and he couldn’t look at the psychologist when he did. “Either when I feel nothing. Or when I feel too much.”

“So, it’s both a way for you to feel something, and a way for you to focus on one sensation when things are a bit too much?”

Ulquiorra nodded. Ukitake wrote something down.

“There we have something else to work on. To help you find another way of managing this, both managing the empty feeling, when you feel nothing, and to be able to sort through everything when there is too much. It’s not going to be easy, but we will find a way through this together.”

Ukitake smiled again, and the smile appeared to genuine. It was ridiculous.

They continued on down the list. Going from subject to subject.

“I can see that you don’t appear to like yourself much. Can I ask what it is about yourself you don’t like?”

Ulquiorra sighed. “I… just…” This he didn’t know how to explain it. Seconds ticked by as he tried to come up with an easy way to tell the other how he felt, and Ukitake was waiting patiently. “I simply feel worthless. Like my existence lack meaning. A waste of space.”

Ukitake frowned a bit. “Why are you a waste of space?”

These questions were frustrating to deal with. “I…” How was he supposed to answer that? He didn’t have an answer, it was just how he felt. “Because I am of no use. I’m useless.” That was the closest he could think of to say.

“Does a person have to be useful to have worth?”

Ulquiorra let out a long sigh. “I don’t know.” This was just agitating him, and it looked like Ukitake could tell.

“I understand it’s hard for you to grasp exactly how you feel and why, but we will get there with some time. It’s okay if you get angry or upset, we are dealing with some very person matters here, and everyone has their limits.”

Well that was something he had not expected to hear, though he doubted he would really show that much of an emotional range while here, he was most likely going to continue to be in control like usual. Or try to be at least. 

“Do you have a habit of hiding how you feel?”

“I… yes.”

“Do you know why you do that?” No answer from Ulquiorra. “Is it because it’s easier that way? To push them aside and not try to understand how you feel?”

He hadn’t thought of that. “Yes.”

“Have you been doing this for long? Hiding how you feel or pushing feelings away?”

“Yes, always. I have always done it.” For as long as he could remember.

Ukitake thought for a moment. “So, with that habit, you’ve never really learned how to manage your own feelings, and since you don’t like feeling like you’re not in control, emotions must be rather uncomfortable for you to deal with as they are rarely controllable while you feel them. You can’t control how something makes you feel, only how you react to it.”

This all did make a lot of sense, but as with the other things they had figure out, there was still no solution to how to deal with it.

“Oh, looks like we’re out of time. I will see you next Tuesday, okay? Same time.”

Ulquiorra nodded in response and rose to his feet.

“One more thing. As homework. Try not to hide how you feel, try to allow yourself to actually feel it, okay? If you suddenly feel sad, let yourself be sad, if you feel angry, then that’s okay, even around other people.”

Ulquiorra paused for a moment. “I will try.” He would, but it was not going to get easy.

As he stepped out of there he texted Grimmjow to let him know that he was done. Now it was home, and then apparently homemade pizza and alcohol. This was going to be an interesting evening.


	14. Bonding

“How did it go?” Grimmjow asked as Ulquiorra got into the car.

“Fine.”

A pause.

“Think I want a bit more than that. Do you mind telling me what you two talked about? If I am to help you then it might be good if you shared some strategies or what you’re supposed to be working on.”

Ulquiorra sighed and looked out of the window as Grimmjow started to drive. “For now it looks like one of my biggest triggers when it comes to suicidal thoughts or attempts is a feeling of being trapped, or having no way out.”

“So, finding alternatives to dealing with shitty situations, sounds good.”

“Also that I might not deal well with unpredictability or sudden change.”

Grimmjow let out a short nervous laughter. “I might already be accidentally testing you on that then, sorry ‘bout that.”

Grimm was right. He was testing him. Suddenly he could just decide to do something and with no planning he would want to drag Ulquiorra out to have some sort of fun. The pizza and beer they were going to have was one of those more innocent sudden ideas.

“Then there’s the self harm-” he paused. Did Grimmjow know that he harmed himself? Oh well, now he did. “Looks like I mainly use that to help myself feel something when I don’t feel, or to give myself something to focus on when there is too much going on in my head.”

“Then… if you feel the need to harm yourself, contact me immediately, okay?” Grimmjow sent the other a short look.

“... Okay.”

“Thank you.”

Ulquiorra looked over at Grimmjow. 'Thank you'. That sounded so odd to hear in this context.

“So… can I just ask. How bad is the self harming? I saw that there were some scars on your arms, but they looked rather old,” Grimmjow said carefully.

“I stopped cutting my arms a long time ago, I didn’t want it to become too visible… I cut my thighs instead.”

Grimmjow sighed and reached out to place a hand on Ulquiorra’s shoulder. He looked worried, very much so, and it kind of hurt that he was the one who made him worry like this.

“Then… I guess we mentioned that I don’t like myself much,” Ulquiorra added, he didn’t really want to talk about that with Grimmjow since he knew the other felt very strongly about that.

“I’ve noticed,” Grimmjow replied quietly.

“And lastly we talked about how I have a habit of hiding how I feel.”

Grimmjow sent him another short look before focusing on the read again. “You still do that? Weren’t you supposed to be honest?”

“It’s an old reflex. I automatically push what I feel aside whenever there’s other people nearby. I’m going to try to allow myself to feel more, though it’s not going to be easy.”

“Good. Just know that you can come to me whenever there is something, no matter if it’s in the middle of class or in the middle of the night, doesn’t matter if I’m training or out with friends or whatever, if there is something just contact me, got it?”

“Yes, Sir,” Ulquiorra mumbled.

Grimmjow grinned at him for a moment. For the rest of the ride, which was only a few more minutes, they didn’t really talk much.

They got out and Grimmjow opened the trunk of the car where he had all the things he had bought, and the quantity caused Ulquiorra to raise an eyebrow. Was he planning for a huge party or something? Oh well, he decided to help carry some of the stuff… which would be the lightest items since he really could not even lift the heaviest bags that Grimmjow just picked up as if they were nothing.

It took them both two trips to get everything. Some was placed in the kitchen and some in Ulquiorra’s room. There was plenty of alcohol and snacks, and ingredients for pizza and whatever else Grimmjow planned to make. So no fast food allowed here he guessed. Some of the bags Ulquiorra was apparently not allowed to touch, so he guessed that was where Grimmjow kept those Christmas presents he had bought. Fine. He was going to respect Grimmjow and not sneak to see what it was, even though the stalker side of him hated to not know. Absolutely hated it. It even made him a bit nervous.

They found themselves in the kitchen, unpacking all the groceries and Grimmjow was quick to open a beer bottle. So, he wasn’t even going to wait until the pizza was done before he started drinking? Well, he wasn’t exactly worried about Grimmjow’s drinking habits, he appeared to be sensible enough when it came to that at least.

“Okay, so… do you know how to make pizza?” Grimmjow asked and looked over at the other.

“Yes.”

“Good, because I don’t,” Grimmjow replied with a huge grin. Ulquiorra just stared at him for a moment with a look that said ‘idiot’.

“I will make the pizza then. Sit down and don’t get in my way.”

Grimmjow did as told, still smiling. “I’ve never seen you cook before. Honestly, I didn’t even know you could cook.”

“I avoided doing so while there are people here,” Ulquiorra replied as he picked out all the ingredients he needed.

“You still planning to do so when the others get back?”

“Yes. Being around other people is tiring, and I do not want to have Orihime or Nelliel jumping around me while I cook.”

Grimmjow hummed. “Do you find me tiring?”

“Sometimes. However you do have your quiet moments, and know to mind your own business, so it could have been a lot worse.”

There was a moment of silence. Then Grimmjow decided to speak up again. “Do you have any family?”

That question really came out of the blue. Ulquiorra looked over his shoulder at the other. “I do… though they are out of the picture and hold no importance to me anymore.” He had to pause what he was doing right now, his hands had started to tremble.

“What happened?”

“...” Ulquiorra didn’t reply. He could hear Grimmjow get up from where he was sitting and walk over to Ulquiorra. “Let’s just say that there was a conflict of interest, and I decided that I did not wish to fight, so I left.”

“That sounds rough. How old were you?”

Grimmjow was right behind him now, Ulquiorra could feel his hands on his hips, and it caused him to step away. Too close, the other shouldn’t be that close to him… if he allowed Grimmjow to be close for too long his mind would turn into a jumbled mess and he did not want to deal with that right now.

He heard the other give him a low apology and then step back so that Ulquiorra could continue working on the pizza. It was almost time for topping now.

“I was 13 last time I saw them, but I left home a year before that.”

“Who did you live with?”

“I lived by myself.”

“The fuck. You were just a child.”

“A child capable of hacking and creating false documents. I made it look as though there were adults who supervised me, but in reality, there were none. No one noticed, since where I lived, no one paid attention to the other people nearby. It suited me perfectly.”

“And… you’ve been on your own since then?” Grimmjow sounded concerned.

“Yes.”

“Weren’t you lonely?”

“At first, but I grew used to it.” There was a short pause and he looked over at the other. “I’ve placed the topping I wanted on my part of the pizza, now you decide what you want.” He stepped back to let Grimmjow do the rest.

Ulquiorra decided to fetch his own beer this time and sat down by the kitchen table as he watched Grimmjow put the topping he wanted on the pizza and then place it in the oven before he joined Ulquiorra.

“Sooo… you never wanted friends… or a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

Ulquiorra sent Grimmjow a sharp look at that question. Why was he asking these things?

“I did, but at the point when I noticed that solitude might not be the best thing for me, it was far too late.” He didn’t know how to talk to people, or how to befriend them, so he just didn’t.

“Not too late. You see how many people are interested in getting to know you,” Grimmjow said softly.

Ulquiorra didn’t answer instead he kept his focus on the pizza to make sure they didn’t burn it. Unfortunately for him, Grimmjow had decided that he was not done asking questions.

“So, you into boys or girls? Or maybe neither or both? Got some friends who say they are asexual, so I suppose some people just don’t want to deal with the whole sex and romance stuff.”

Ulquiorra sighed and looked over at Grimmjow. “None of your business.” Though he could feel nervousness rise within him. His hands were trembling again. Immediately he just wanted to push it all aside, but instead he allowed the sensations and thoughts stay. That’s what he was supposed to be doing right? Learn to deal with this.

Grimmjow tilted his head a bit as he watched him from across the table. “I’ll stop asking, for now. I’m just curious. You don’t really talk about yourself, so I can’t help wanting to figure out more about you.” What Grimmjow said didn’t exactly help Ulquiorra calm down, so Grimmjow got up and walked around the table and sat down on the chair next to Ulquiorra instead. “A bit much for you?”

Ulquiorra nodded. His mind was flooded with questions of why Grimmjow wanted to know these things, what his motives could be, even if Grimmjow had just said he just wanted to get to know Ulquiorra. It really would be best for him to push it all aside, act like nothing, since if he could not straighten this out then he knew what his mind would want him to do to help him regain focus.

Grimmjow’s hand gripped his. The grip was firm, but not forceful. For some reason it helped ground him.

“What’s going on?” Grimmjow asked quietly. “Talk to me.”

“Haven’t we done enough talking?”

“Nope.”

Ulquiorra let out a shaky sigh. “You’re asking too many questions. My mind insists that there is a motive behind this, besides ‘getting to know you’...”

“Like… you think I’m gathering information to use it against you later? I’m kind of offended but okay.” He let go of Ulquiorra’s hand and pulled out his phone. “Check. See anywhere to see if there is any hint that I might be doing anything against you, just so that paranoid voice will shut up.”

Ulquiorra looked at the phone Grimmjow held out to him, but he didn’t take it. Grimmjow was pretty much telling Ulquiorra that he had nothing to hide from him. It was foolish to think that he was gathering information about him, it wouldn’t be Grimmjow at all to do something like that. If Grimmjow had a problem with someone then he would tell them, if he was angry at someone he was more likely to punch them than to make a revenge plot.

“No. I don’t need to look through your phone.”

“Good. I’ve got a plot of photos and some porn there I don’t think you would like to see.”

“Ugh. I really do hope you don’t send those pictures of your dick to random people,” Ulquiorra huffed and got up from his chair and walked over to the oven. The pizza looked to be done, and it was just pure luck that he had remembered it right then and there.

“Heeey! I’m not a fucking creep okay!” Grimmjow complained. “I only send to those who want to see it.”

“For some reason I can still imagine you using a picture of your erection as a way of flirting with someone you’ve already slept with before,” Ulquiorra replied as he started to cut the pizza up into pieces.

“Oh come on. I’ve only done that a couple of times, and they were in on it,” Grimmjow whined and got plates for the two of them. They were planning to head into Ulquiorra’s room and watch a movie or something while they continued to drink and eat. 

The whole subject was dropped and instead the topic of movies came up. Grimmjow wanted to watch a horror movie, which Ulquiorra wasn’t the biggest fan of, mostly since he found them rather boring, but he would go along with it, if Grimmjow could find one that was somewhat intelligent.

So they landed on a movie called “Get out.”

Now and then they would talk though the movie, make comments about what was happening while they ate and drank. Grimmjow pretty much ate almost the whole pizza on his own as Ulquiorra could only manage one slize. Then there was plenty of drinks and snacks.

They ran out of beer rather quickly so at that point Ulquiorra decided to mix them drinks.

“Fuck I’ve found myself a private bartender here. You’re hired,” Grimmjow grinned, clearly drunk at this point. He had been drinking far more than Ulquiorra, who continued to be careful with his alcohol consumption.

“Lucky you. Both a bartender and a chef,” Ulquiorra replied dryly and handed him a glass with what he had mixed. He had decided to go for something a bit sour and strong, and it appeared as though Grimmjow liked it.

The movie they had been watching was over, and yes, it had been a good one. Now Ulquiorra decided to just find a random movie for them to have in the background, caring a lot less about the quality of whatever they were now watching.

“You know,” Grimmjow started, and decided to down the rest of the drink Ulquiorra had made for him. Someone was going to be very hungover tomorrow and Ulquiorra was not going to take any responsibility for that. “You’re a really nice person to be around.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m honest. I don’t know what the hell you see when you look in the mirror, but when I look at you I see one hell of a smart dude, who is good company and pretty damn chill, and rather easy on the eye to be completely fucking honest.”

Ulquiorra continued to just stare at him. “Really drunk. I don’t think you should be drinking much more, at least I won’t be mixing anything more for you.”

“Fucking rude.”

“Deal with it. “


	15. Christmas

Ulquiorra had been right, Grimmjow felt sick for two days after all that drinking, so he had been stuck taking care of him. Idiot. When he felt well again it was the day before Christmas and Grimmjow had insisted on decorating the whole place, something Ulquiorra found to be utterly and completely pointless. Oh well, he couldn’t exactly stop him now could he? So he had just been standing by while watching the other. Good grief how much decoration did he have? For someone who refused to deal with his own family during the holidays and had decided to stay here instead, he sure seemed to love Christmas. 

The whole time Ulquiorra had managed to stay relatively stable, everything that was happening around him distracting him from doing a lot of thinking or feeling, which was fine by him. He really didn’t want to deal with whatever was wrong with him, he would prefer to just ignore it.

“Ulqui. Ulqui, you gotta wake up, it’s Christmas now.”

Ulquiorra opened his eyes slightly. Grimmjow was sitting in his bed, a huge grin on his face. He reminded him of a overgrown child right now with how excited he appeared to be.

“Good for you,” Ulquiorra mumbled and closed his eyes again. “Get off my bed.” 

“Come on, you’ve got to get up! You can’t be sleeping right now,” Grimmjow whined.

Ulquiorra sighed and sat up. This was the worst Christmas he had experienced by far, and the day had just begun. “Fine.”

Grimmjow was beaming. “I’m making breakfast. Get ready! And then I’ve got a gift for you to open.”

“You really should not have bought me anything,” Ulquiorra sighed as he got out of bed and went over to his closet to fetch some clothes he could wear since he did not feel like walking around in his pyjamas all day. He normally didn’t wear pyjamas, or he hadn’t until Grimmjow decided to move in. Grimmjow on the other hand was fine walking around in just his underwear, and Ulquiorra had been making sure not to look at him when he did. Right now he was just wearing pyjamas pants, which still was a bit too undressed for Ulquiorra’s comfort.

He stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed and found Grimmjow standing by the door, still beaming. “At least put on a shirt.”

“It’s Christmas, I can do whatever I want.”

Ulquiorra sighed and followed him into the kitchen. Well, he was stuck here… watching a shirtless, handsome, and well trained man cook breakfast for him. To some that would be a dream come true, but to Ulquiorra it was closer to a nightmare. It was hard not to look at him, not to study him. He could manage to ignore his looks and how attractive he was most of the time, but it became impossible when he was half naked like this.

“Are you planning to walk around like that all day?” Ulquiorra huffed.

“You got a problem with that?”

“I do.”

Grimmjow didn’t respond, instead he moved over to Ulquiorra and paused right in front of him, arms folded across his chest. “Why is that? You find me attractive or something?” He was still grinning.

Called out. “No. I am simply not comfortable around half naked people.”

Grimmjow appeared to not buy that explanation, but he didn’t say anything else, instead he returned to continue the breakfast. Still shirtless, so Ulquiorra found himself looking everywhere but at Grimmjow, though he was still very aware of how naked he was. This was a nightmare. Worst Christmas he had experienced by far.

“Here,” Grimmjow said and placed a plate filled with pancakes in front of Ulquiorra. “Eat as much as you can.”

Yeah, that was another thing. With Grimmjow here, Ulquiorra had pretty much been forced to eat more than once a day, though he could still not manage big portions he did notice that he was hungry a lot more often than before. It was annoying, but he guessed it was healthier.

He stared at the plate that was placed in front of him. This was twice as much as he would normally have bothered to eat. Good grief, what was Grimmjow thinking?! When he looked up he saw Grimmjow sit across from him with a pancake pile that was twice as big as his own.

“What, something wrong with it?” Grimmjow asked.

Ulquiorra shook his head and started to eat. He always took his time when it came to food, in contrast to Grimmjow who was wolfing it all down. Normally Grimmjow would be done eating before Ulquiorra, but this time he decided to talk while eating so with that he took a bit longer.

“You normally don’t celebrate Christmas?”

“No.”

“Like… not at all?”

“Not at all.”

Grimmjow tilted his head a bit. “Is there anything you do celebrate? Any traditions you do have?”

“No, and do not pity me for it.”

“I don’t. I’m just thinking what sort of tradition we could make then. Since you like things to be predictable, wouldn’t it kind of be nice to know what to expect on certain days of the years?”

Ulquiorra’s eyes widened a bit. He had not thought of it like that. Yes… in a sense that would be nice. “Hmm. If you can think of something then let me kno-”

“Movie night each Sunday.”

Ulquiorra blinked. “Okay? So you want that to be a weekly thing?”

“Yeah. Something chill before another week of school begins.”

He supposed that could work. “I can hang a list up in my room where we write down what movies we want to see.”

“Taking turns picking one from that list then,” Grimmjow was beaming again.

“Sounds like a plan,” Ulquiorra said, Grimmjow’s good mood was affecting him too now as he found himself smiling a bit. 

“Man, you’re really handsome when you smile, you should keep that up,” Grimmjow said, and then changed the subject as though that was just a normal passing comment he had made there. “You gonna finish those pancakes?”

“Uh… No.. no, I’m done eating.” Had he heard that right? Probably wishful thinking. He was still not properly awake, so that might just be it.

It didn’t take long for Grimmjow to eat up what was left of Ulquiorra’s pancakes, then he got up and cleaned up after them, with some help from Ulquiorra and then pretty much chased Ulquiorra into his room. He was very excited about giving Ulquiorra whatever gift if was he had bought for him. First Ulquiorra was instructed to sit down on the couch and not move. Very well. Then Grimmjow stepped over to the closet he had claimed as his own and pulled out a bag.

“Don’t know how to wrap shit, so it doesn’t really look like a Christmas gift,” Grimmjow said with a shrug and placed it on Ulquiorra’s lap.

Ulquiorra hesitated for a moment. There was more than one thing in there, he could tell that much. He frowned a bit… this was not a situation he had been prepared for, at all. Grimmjow sat down next to him and waited patiently as Ulquiorra just stared at the bag placed on his lap.

“First time someone has given you a gift?”

“... Yes.”

There was another moment of silence. Ulquiorra couldn’t get himself to see what the content of that bag was, he was already just barely keeping it together. So when Grimmjow decided to place a hand on his shoulder he jumped.

“Easy, easy. Ulquiorra. I get that it’s a bit much for you, so take your time, if you want to open it later then that’s fine,” Grimmjow said and reached out about to take the bag away from Ulquiorra’s lap and probably place it elsewhere.

Ulquiorra stopped him. “If you do that then I’ll be a nervous wreck for the rest of the day.”

“Better to just get it done then?”

Ulquiorra nodded, though he didn’t move immediately. For another minute he just sat there and stared at the bag. Then hesitantly he lifted his hands and reached into it, and pulled the first box out. A limited edition figure from one of the games he spent probably far too much time playing, Grimmjow had even picked up on who his favorite character from that game was. Yeah, he was crying now. First of all, this was expensive, and Grimmjow had decided to buy this for him. Of all people. Second of all, he had been paying attention not just to what games he was playing, but which characters too. This was a lot.

And there was more.

He reached into the bag again and pulled out a notebook, bullet journal. Once, he had once mentioned getting one of those since it would be easier to organize things, he liked to stay organized after all. Grimmjow had somehow picked up on that.

Grimmjow’s hand was still on his shoulder. He said nothing, he was just watching Ulquiorra pull out one gift at a time. How much more was there? He could tell there was more.

Once more he reached into the bag and pulled out a hoodie. Good grief, Grimmjow. To make it worse, it even was his style. This was so incredibly overwhelming. It really was too much. Not only had someone spent so much money on him, giving him so many things he really did not deserve, but this was all proof of how much they had paid attention to him. He had always been invisible and felt invisible, but now he really, really felt like he had been seen, and that was a lot to take in.

The bag appeared to be empty now, so Ulquiorra placed it aside, or more like pushed it onto the floor. His whole body was trembling and he could barely breathe.

“Come here,” Grimmjow said softly and pretty much pulled Ulquiorra onto his lap. Ulquiorra didn’t resist, instead he clung to the other, fingers gripping him tightly, his face hidden against his shoulder as he completely broke down. Grimmjow’s arms were wrapped around him, and he said nothing, simply held Ulquiorra as he crumbled into a thousand pieces.

Ulquiorra had no idea for how long he sat there, but eventually he felt completely exhausted and close to numb. He didn’t like that feeling, or the lack of feelings. Slowly he lifted his head from Grimmjow’s shoulder and as he did so he felt Grimmjow’s hands move.

“How are you feeling?” This really had to be his least favourite question to be asked at this point.

“I don’t know,” Ulquiorra replied. “I don’t… really feel anything right now. A bit tired maybe.”

“That’s understandable,” Grimmjow said as he used his hand to dry away the tears that were on Ulquiorra’s cheek.

In that moment Ulquiorra became very aware that he had been clinging to a half naked Grimmjow and was still sitting on his lap. Oh this was bad. He moved away and decided to sit down next to him instead. His heart was beating like mad once more. Thankfully he really was not the type to blush and the breakdown he had just had did lessen his reaction to this.

“So, how about we chill for a bit then? Still got some cake left so eat that while watching a movie?” Grimmjow suggested. “I’ll even let you pick the movie.”

“How nice of you.”

They decided to do that. So while Ulquiorra was picking a movie, Grimmjow was grabbing snack and drinks and even decided to wrap a blanket around Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra knew he was doing this to help, but to be taken care of like this honestly just made him feel worse.

“You don’t look too good,” Grimmjow commented.

Ulquiorra didn’t look at the other, pretending he didn’t hear what had been said. Honesty. He would have to be honest. “You shouldn’t be taking care of me like this.”

“Why not?”

Ulquiorra didn’t answer, all he could do was frown. It was hard to explain, or he couldn’t really find the right words to describe why he felt that way. But since he didn’t answer Grimmjow decided to continue to talk.

“You’re worth the attention, you’re worth the care, and I will keep telling you that until you fucking believe me.”

“What makes me worth it?”

Grimmjow growled at that question. “First of all, you’re a person, a fucking human being, not a piece of trash that can get thrown aside. You already had worth when you were fucking born, and you deserve to be noticed, to get attention, and care, and all that other shit. You’re fucking smart too, just to add to it all. You managed to take care of yourself and trick the fucking government at age twelve, I couldn’t even be left home alone at that age. So not only are you fucking smart and independent, but you’ve saved lives. You saved me, and Ichigo, and Aizen, and Orihime, and Renji, and so many others by calling the police when that shooter was at the party. Not only that, but you managed to stay so fucking calm during that whole thing, do you have any idea how impressive that is?!”

Ulquiorra just stared at him for a moment. He had no answer to that. How could he argue his way around that? For the most part Grimmjow was just stating facts. It was true that he had managed to live on his own at an age most children would not have been able to. It was true that he was intelligent. It was true that he had saved people.

“It doesn’t feel like it’s enough,” Ulquiorra replied.

“For fuck sake,” Grimmjow hissed and did something Ulquiorra had never expected he would.

It all happened so quickly, he had no time to react or move away or stop it. Grimmjow had reached out for him, placed his hand at the back of Ulquiorra’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. It only lasted for a second before Grimmjow pulled away and waited for Ulquiorra’s reaction.

All Ulquiorra did was sit there and stare at him. What had just happened?! Why had it happened?! “Excuse me,” he mumbled and got up, only for Grimmjow to do so to. Ulquiorra quickly headed towards the bathroom and Grimmjow decided to let him go. He closed the door and locked it and sank down onto the floor. His mind felt like it had been scrambled. Too much had happened at once, far too much. It was too much for him, he couldn’t deal with it. He needed something to help him focus. So he started to look around. He knew Grimmjow had gotten rid of the razors he had used to cut himself with before. Or so Grimmjow thought. Ulquiorra did hide some in case the others were found. Yeah, he knew he was supposed to stop, but right now he refused to just sit here and try to sort through these thoughts, it was too much for him.

He found the razors, all new and clean. Ulquiorra only used them once before throwing them away to avoid infections, as that would only make the scars left even worse. He had been about to pull his pyjamas pants down when there was a knock on the door.

“Ulquiorra. Talk to me.”

“Why did you kiss me?!” That was the first question he could think of. His mind felt a bit more clear since he had decided to start cutting, apparently knowing that pain was just around the corner was enough to calm him a bit.

“Why do you think I kissed you? Because I’ve got feelings for you, idiot, that’s why. Might have picked the dumbest fucking moment to act on those feelings, so sorry about that.”

There was silence. Ulquiorra had placed the pack of razors by the sink for now as he just stood in the middle of the bathroom. Grimmjow had feelings for him. That just sounded surreal, and it made him feel so incredibly strange.

“You don’t have to give me an answer if you like me or not, just take your time with that information, it’s fine,” Grimmjow added.

“Thank you,” Ulquiorra replied. He would need time, this was just so much to take in. Though this really did make some pieces fall into place. “For how long?”

“Since after the second time I managed to drag you along to do something social with me.”

That was well before he had tried to kill himself. Oh… he must have really hurt Grimmjow by doing so. Guilt. That was one feeling he did recognize in this mess of emotions and thoughts. “Why? I really do not seem to be your type.”

“I didn’t know I had a type,” Grimmjow huffed. “For a one night stand no, I don’t think you would be my type there, but… Just… I can’t help that I feel this way about you, I just do.”

“We’re both male,” Ulquiorra commented.

“Is that a problem? If you’re not into guys then I get it, it’s fine.”

Ulquiorra swallowed hard. His chest felt tight. “I… People will react..”

“Well fuck them… wait… you’re gay, aren’t you?”

Ulquiorra took a deep breath, but didn’t answer.

“Is that why you left your family? I’m honestly just guessing here,” Grimmjow continued.

“... Yes.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I suppose it is,” Ulquiorra sighed. Talking about this did not make feel better emotionally, but it still was as though something had been lifted off of his shoulder.

“Still wanna watch that movie and eat cake? I’ve heard cake is great when you’re feeling like shit.”

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Ulquiorra replied. He heard Grimmjow walk away, and with that he reached for the razors.


	16. New Years Eve

The rest of Christmas passed by without anything else of note happening. Some slight mood dips here and there, but nothing big. He had also been to his second appointment at his psychologist, which had consisted of a few more questions being asked so that he could get a proper view of Ulquiorra’s problems. They did also talk about the event that had happened during Christmas, and the subject of Ulquiorra’s sexuality was brought up.

Did he feel shame because he was attracted to another man? Yes, he did.

Did he feel he was somewhat disgusting for it? Yes, he did.

Was this contributing to his lack of feeling of self worth? Yes… it did.

It did make him feel like less of a person. He had been surrounded by homophobia as a child, and when he realized that he was gay at the age of ten he had wondered if it would be better if he died rather than continue on. Though he had tried to keep it secret he had not managed to do so for very long and eventually his father had found out. There had been threats of murder, and Ulquiorra had decided to leave.

Ukitake showed sympathy for what he had been through but decided to turn this view Ulquiorra had around, and said that he himself was married to a man, and asked Ulquiorra if he thought that was disgusting or wrong? No, Ulquiorra didn’t. So then the question was, why did this disgust only apply to him?

There was no answer to that, but it did make him rethink a few things. How he had felt about himself, and his own sexuality was not going to change in one day, but this was a start. This was something he needed to learn to accept if he was to get any better.

Ulquiorra also admitted to cutting, but only once. He had tried to deal with the emotions in other ways, either by trying to sort them out or talk about them, but that one time things had been too much. Ukitake showed concern, but was thankful that Ulquiorra admitted to this, and said that he hoped he would be able to stop that habit soon.

There was also the suggestion of medication, since Ulquiorra’s issues were so severe. Ukitake said he was very sure that therapy alone was not going to be enough, but Ulquiorra refused. He did not want medication, and explained that just the sleeping pills alone to help with his insomnia had made it worse, since it was a reminder that he was broken. Ukitake understood, though he told him that if he ever changed his mind then he was just to let him know.

From the week after this they would meet twice a week since it was back to normal then, back to school and all that.

However, before that, it was New Years Eve, which apparently meant more drinking as Grimmjow had decided to buy all sorts of things. Before leaving to fetch the alcohol he had asked if there was anything Ulquiorra wanted and he had, as a joke, requested Champagne, and that was something Grimmjow decided to buy. Not that Ulquiorra knew until it was New Years Eve and he decided to place all the alcohol he had bought on the kitchen table.

“How much money did you waste on this?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Hey, it’s not a waste. It’ll be fun,” Grimmjow grinned. “So, Champagne before or after midnight?”

“After,” Ulquiorra said with a sigh.

“Beer first then,” Grimmjow decided and handed Ulquiorra one.

They had decided to order Chinese take out since neither wanted to cook, or had any idea what to make, and just as they had opened their first beer Grimmjow’s phone called. Food was here.

“Perfect timing,” Grimmjow said as he placed the beer down and went to fetch the food.

It smelled delicious, and as they started to dig in they realized that it really tasted as good as it smelled.

“We’ll order from this place later on I guess,” Ulquiorra said.

“Fuck yeah we are, this is fucking amazing.”

Food done and the first can of beer empty, so they took a couple more beers and headed into Ulquiorra’s room, or their room, as Grimmjow really had moved in at this point. While drinking they decided to play some video games, which did become a lot funnier while tipsy.

“Only time it’s okay to do drunk driving is in Mario Kart,” Grimmjow laughed.

“I hope you’ve never actually driven under the influence,” Ulquiorra replied.

“If we were to play truth or dare then maybe you would find out.”

Ulquiorra rose an eyebrow at him. Well, he shouldn’t be surprised, they hadn’t exactly done any sort of drinking games until now while they had been drinking and he knew Grimmjow liked drinking games.

“Fine. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you ever been behind the wheels of a car while under the influence?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Ah… Yeah, a couple of times,” Grimmjow admitted.

“Idiot.”

“Not arguing with you there, Ulqui.” There was a pause as Grimmjow chugged down half the content in his beer can. “Truth or dare?”

Both were risky as hell. Dare, who knew what Grimmjow would make him do. Truth, he would most likely have to answer a question he would rather not answer.

“Truth.”

“Do you still self harm?”

As expected, he did not want to answer this. “I thought this game was suppose to be fun… but… yes, I do. I try not do, but it’s hard to just quit a habit like that. I have not really anything to replace it yet.”

“I get it. Still hate the fact that you do it, and you do know you’ve got me, right? If you feel the need to harm yourself, just fucking tell me and we’ll sort out whatever is going on inside your mind.”

“Truth or dare,” Ulquiorra said with a sigh.

“Dare.”

Well now this he could use to his advantage. He finished the beer he had been drinking and opened the next one while the video game was paused. “I dare you not to mention anything that has to do with my mental or physical health for the rest of the night.”

“Well, shit.” Grimmjow smiled at him. “Smart fucker. I was hoping for you to ask me to do something fun. Well, later I guess. Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” He decided that he was just going to mirror Grimmjow since now it didn’t matter too much which one he picked.

“I dare you to sit on my lap.”

Ulquiorra was glad he hadn’t been drinking right there because he would have choked on his beer. Sit on Grimmjow’s lap?! Oh boy.

“How are you going to be able to play anything with me sitting there?” He asked.

“We’ll just keep the game paused for a bit until it’s time for you to get off,” Grimmjow shrugged.

“And when will that be?”

“When I need to go and fetch us more to drink I suppose.”

Fair enough. He got up and waited for Grimmjow to get comfortable before he sat down on his lap, both feet to one side. This felt weird. Yes, he had been on Grimmjow’s lap before, but that was when he was breaking down and barely able to think or analyse what was going on. Now he was very aware of everything, despite being tipsy.

“Truth or dare?” Ulquiorra asked. Grimmjow couldn’t actually do a lot of dares while he was sitting there, so he predicted he would say ‘truth’.

“Truth.”

“How many people have you slept with?”

Grimmjow almost choked on his beer. Should be careful when you decide to take a sip, stupid. “I did not expect you of all people to ask me that!”

“Trying to manipulate your expectations, I don’t want to be too predictable.”

“Fuck.” He thought for a moment, Ulquiorra could see the gears in his mind turning. “I honestly have no fucking clue. Like… twenty, maybe? More than that. I like sex okay, and one night stands are fucking great so I can’t help it.”

“I am not judging you. Enjoy sex all you want with whoever you want, as long as they are legal and give you consent and you remember to use protection then I see nothing wrong with it. Even if I personally do not see the appeal of a one night stand.”

Grimmjow just shrugged. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Right now, with how close he was to Grimmjow, it felt risky to say dare as there was not much he could do while on Grimmjow’s lap.

“How often do you masturbate?”

“Really?”

“You’re the one who brought up this subject, so deal with the consequences,” Grimmjow grinned.

Guess he had that coming. “I don’t know. Once a month, at most.” Yeah, he didn’t have much of a sex drive, and he guessed his inability to accept his own sexuality also had something to do with it, and all his other issues.

Grimmjow said nothing. No response. Then again, what was he supposed to say to that?

“Truth or dare?” Ulquiorra said instead, breaking the silence.

“Dare.”

Well, he wouldn’t be able to make Grimmjow do anything physical right now, so. “Tell me about your worst sexual experience.”

“Aw man,” Grimmjow chuckled and drank some more from his beer. They were running out at this point, and as Grimmjow tried to think of an answer Ulquiorra looked over at the time. Still a couple of hours until midnight. “I guess that would have to be this girl I slept with while I was travelling. I went to a party while I was travelling to another city and started flirting with this chick. She was attractive, got some big boobs. Anyway, we got to her place, and made out and undressed and all that stuff, and started doing it, and at some point she decided to call me ‘daddy’-” Grimmjow was forced to pause as Ulquiorra started laughing “-yeah, you think it’s funny don’t you!? I just couldn’t do it, instant boner killer, and she got so mad. Like fuck, at least ask if it’s okay, since that just turned out so fucking creepy, especially with the way she was talking, like she was imagining I was her actual dad.”

“That’s pretty bad, I will agree to that,” Ulquiorra admitted.

“Anyway, you’ll have to move off of my lap now, you’re out of drinks and I’ve only got half a can left,” Grimmjow said and Ulquiorra did as told. “Truth or dare,” Grimmjow added as he got up.

“Dare.”

“You’re just picking whatever I’m picking,” Grimmjow noted.

“Is that a problem?”

“Nah. At least then there’s some predictability with you.”

Grimmjow disappeared into the kitchen and returned with new glasses for whatever drinks they were going to mix, and plenty of the spirits and whatever they were going to mix it with, and shot glasses.

“I dare you to take three shots of Jager,” he grinned.

“That’s cruel, but I accept.”

Grimmjow’s grin grew even wider, so he poured Ulquiorra first one shot, and he downed it with no problem, then another, and then the third one.

“Ugh. I think I’ll get myself a glass of water, I don’t want to get really drunk,” Ulquiorra commented and rose to his feet. Unlike Grimmjow, he couldn’t drink a ton of alcohol and still be fine. He felt slightly off balance, but managed to get to the kitchen and got himself a glass of water and then returned.

The game continued, both the video game and the drinking game.

“Truth or dare?” Ulquiorra asked

“Truth.”

“How old were you when you knew you were attracted to both men and women?”

Grimmjow looked over at him. “Like… seventeen or something? Though I was completely straight before that, but at some point gender or sex just didn’t matter in terms of how attraction. Male, female, somewhere in between, didn’t matter.”

It didn’t sound like realizing this had had any negative impact on Grimmjow since he spoke so casually about it.

“You picking truth I assume?”

“Yeah,” Ulquiorra confirmed and looked at the time. Hour and a half until midnight now.

“Hmmm. Got any fetishes or kinks?”

Grimmjow apparently expected some sort of big reaction from Ulquiorra at that question but all he got was a shrug. “I don’t know. I cannot say I have done any sort of exploring to find out,” he replied.

“Seriously?”

Another shrug. “Seriously.” If he felt ashamed of his own sexuality, then there was really no room for him to do any experimenting or figuring out what he liked or didn’t like.

“Truth or dare?” Ulquiorra said and drank some more from his water. 

“Truth.”

“I will give you that same question, got any kinks or fetishes?” 

Grimmjow chuckled. “Got a few, but it’s kind of hard to properly experiment when you’re only doing one night stands. Can say that I like bondage and sensory deprivation, both give and receive, and humiliation, to some degree, but only give on that one, I think. Dirty talk is nice, when done right, and begging is wonderful.”

“Sounds rather tame.”

“Says the one who had no answer to give,” Grimmjow teased.

They were both very tipsy now. Grimmjow had moved on to the stronger types of alcohol they had after he had finished his beer, and Ulquiorra figured he could take one drink once he was done with his water, and just go back and forth between water and alcohol to try to keep himself at this level. He did not need to get more drunk than this.

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Ulquiorra replied.

“And here I thought you were only copying me.”

“Got bored of it.”

Grimmjow hummed and apparently had to think for a bit, which was the perfect moment to fill up his glass with whatever he was mixing. All Ulquiorra could tell was that it was a strong drink judging by the amount of vodka in it.

“I dare you toooo-” Grimmjow paused and looked over at the other with a smirk. “Remove your hoodie.”

Ulquiorra gave him the most judgmental look he could manage. “I’m going to freeze.”

“You can put it back on in like half an hour or something then,” Grimmjow added.

“Fine.” Ulquiorra said and removed it. Sadly, he was wearing a t-shirt underneath it so this was not really going according to Grimmjow’s plan.

“For fuck sake,” Grimmjow huffed.

“Disappointed?” Ulquiorra asked and raised an eyebrow slightly at him. “No need to be, you’re not missing out on anything.” Thin and pale. Not exactly what people would find attractive.

Grimmjow narrowed his eyes at him. “And how do you know that? Maybe I’ll like what I see, you can’t decide that for me. I like what I have seen of you thus far, so don’t talk shit about yourself, okay.”

“Fine, fine,” Ulquiorra huffed. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Anything sexual you’ve wanted to try, but haven’t been able to yet?”

That changed Grimmjow’s mood as he grinned. “Many things. Like a bit of public humiliation. Always wanted to place a toy inside someone and have control over it while they are in public and has to act naturally, like nothing.”

“Kinky,” Ulquiorra replied.

“Truth or dare,” Grimmjow said. The game they had been playing on his tv was completely forgotten at this point.

“Dare.”

“Remove your t-shirt.”

Ulquiorra let out a long sigh. He should have seen that coming, however he followed the dare and removed his t-shirt. “I will only sit like this for a little while, it’s too cold for me to be without a shirt for long.”

“Hmmm, that’s fine.”

Ulquiorra could feel Grimmjow’s eyes on him the whole time, it was weird, and he could not look back at the other. “You happy now?”

“Not really, I feel like I’ve made you uncomfortable… which is not what I meant to happen. You can put on clothes again if you want to.”

Ulquiorra looked over at the other. “I don’t like being undressed in front of others, that is all.” He got dressed again.

“Well… I can say that I did like what I saw.”

Ulquiorra huffed, almost laughed, at that comment. Well then. Was he being honest or just trying to make him feel better?

“Truth or dare,” Ulquiorra said.

“Truth.”

“Do you wish to just sleep with me, or do you have actual deep feelings for me?”

Grimmjow sighed and leaned back on the couch. “If I just wanted to get laid, then I would have gone somewhere else to be honest. If it’s just sex I want then I would rather go for someone who would actually want a one night stand, so… I do have feeling for you, and calling it a crush would be too light a word.”

Ulquiorra frowned a bit. “Can I ask a follow up question?”

“Sure.”

“Does… that mean you would like a relationship with me?”

Grimmjow chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well.... yeah. I do.”

“Despite how broken I am?”

“Yeah. And I’ll be doing my best to help you piece yourself together, be it as a friend or a boyfriend,” Grimmjow replied.

It sounded insane. Someone should not be falling for him, someone should not wish to be with him knowing just how many issues he had, but Grimmjow still did, and that made his heart beat so much faster. Right now he was very glad he was not the type to blush.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked, of course he would notice that there was something.

“Just an internal struggle.”

“Do you want to talk or…?”

“No, I can take care of this, and I am not going to cut myself, I promise.”

Grimmjow offered him a weak smile. “Good. If there is anything then I’m here for you.”

Ulquiorra knew that, he knew the other was there for him, and knowing that could be a bit much for him at times. There were a few more moments of silence before Grimmjow spoke up once more.

“It’s almost midnight now. Shall we open the champagne?”

Ulquiorra nodded. Together they walked into the kitchen, Ulquiorra still a bit unsteady so he had to lean slightly on Grimmjow, who was no better than him. With some difficulties, and a bit of laughter, they managed to get to the kitchen and Grimmjow opened the bottle of champagne without breaking anything as the cork had decided to fly through the room since Grimmjow wasn’t holding it properly.

“Oops.”

Two glasses were filled and Grimmjow handed one over to Ulquiorra.

“Happy New Year, “Grimmjow said with a grin.

“Happy New Year,” Ulquiorra replied and took a sip from the champagne. “Grimm.”

“Hm?”

“Truth or dare?”

“I thought we were done with that mage. Well… Dare.”

“Kiss me.”

Grimmjow grinned and placed the glass down before stepping closer to the other. He took Ulquiorra’s face in his hands and leaned in to press a kiss to his lips. It felt soft, and good. How could something this good be wrong? It didn’t feel wrong, at all. It didn’t feel like he was doing something he shouldn’t, even if a small part of his mind told him he should not be doing this, but for now he ignored it and simply enjoyed the kiss.


	17. A New Year

“We’re taking this at your pace, okay. Don’t stress, don’t force yourself to do something you’re not ready for, and don’t feel bad when it comes to sex since you don’t owe me shit, got it?” Grimmjow said as he sat down next to Ulquiorra on the couch.

“That is one way to start a conversation.” Ulquiorra rose an eyebrow at him and munched on another piece of dorito.

“Kind of had to say it, since I’m honestly fucking scared that you’ll give consent without really meaning it since you feel guilty.”

What made what Grimmjow said even worse was the fact that Ulquiorra knew he could decide to do something like that. Grimmjow was a sexual creature, and Ulquiorra was just at the start of figuring out his own sexuality, just slowly accepting it before he could start to test the water and explore. How long it would take for them to have sex no one knew, but it could take a while.

“You sure you’ll be able to survive without sex?”

“I’ve got my right hand and porn, I’ll be fine,” Grimmjow smiled and kissed Ulquiorra’s cheek.

“How’s the hangover?” Ulquiorra asked. Grimmjow had been rather drunk the night before, so Ulquiorra had awoken to the sound of him throwing up. A truly wonderful way to wake up.

“Better. Just can’t wait for the pizza to get here.” With that Grimmjow decided to lay down, his head on Ulquiorra’s lap.

“Just don’t throw up while you’re there.”

“Won’t be the first time you’ve seen me puke.”

“Hmmm. At least we don’t have to deal with the part of a relationship where you have to pretend to be all perfect.”

“Thank fucking for that. I don’t think I’d want to deal with that shit honestly. Just let me be myself,” Grimmjow sighed followed by a yawn. 

“I’m trying to imagine you being on your best behavior for more than a few hours. Don’t think you would even be able to last a day with that. Especially if you were to not say the word ‘fuck’ during that whole day.”

“Nope. Would not have survived. Fucking dead, that’s what I would have been.”

Ulquiorra chuckled. It honestly was nice to not have to go through that part of a relationship. Grimmjow pretty much already knew all his darkest secrets, and Ulquiorra knew a lot about Grimmjow.

Silence settled around them as Ulquiorra continued to watch the tv show he had decided to put on, since he really was in no mood to play video games due to his mild hangover, and Grimmjow appeared to be half asleep on Ulquiorra’s lap. That was until he spoke up.

“You don’t mind me showing you affection, right?”

“What sort of affection?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Hugs… kisses… This. Some touching, though I’ll keep it PG.”

“As long as it’s not in public then it should be fine.”

“Cool. Just let me know if I’m pushing it.”

“Will do,” Ulquiorra hummed.

It was kind of strange. Grimmjow seemed to be so scared of messing this up, of doing something that would cause discomfort to Ulquiorra. It almost was a bit annoying. He wasn’t made out of glass, he could handle a bit, so he was not going to let Grimmjow know unless it started to get really uncomfortable. If he was to get any better then he needed to take a few steps outside of his comfort zone now and then.

Grimmjow’s phone made a sound and he got up with a groan. “Finally pizza,” he huffed and stretched as he walked towards the door to get it. While he was gone Ulquiorra decided to place the doritos away and get some plates for them both, since they would probably be on the couch and continue to be lazy while eating. It really felt like he ate a lot more these days… maybe because Grimmjow was almost constantly eating. All that man did was eat, work out, sleep, and hang over Ulquiorra when he got bored.

“You ordered two pizzas? Isn’t that a bit much?” Ulquiorra said when the other returned.

“Nah. We’ll have food for a couple of hours then, in addition to all this snacks. Fuck this is more junkfood than what I’m used to. You’re a horrible influence.”

“I can eat salads too,” Ulquiorra replied and rolled his eyes.

“I know.”

Grimmjow leaned in and placed a kiss on Ulquiorra’s cheek. Then he placed the pizza boxes down on the couch and took a seat next to Ulquiorra. He tilted Ulquiorra’s face towards him and kissed his lips. The kiss was soft, gentle, slow, and Grimmjow lingered for a bit before slowly pulling away. He really liked these kisses, but he was not at a stage where he would initiate them, yet.

“Pizza, or more kisses?” Grimmjow smirked.

“Pizza first,” Ulquiorra decided.

They ate while watching the show Ulquiorra had put on. It was just a mindless sitcom, so you didn’t really have to pay much attention to it, for the most part it was just background noise. Ulquiorra only managed to eat two slices of pizza. It might not seem like much, but when Grimmjow moved in he would only have managed one, and barely that. One thing he had noticed now that he ate more was that he had more energy. He had thought he would gain weight, but he didn’t, strangely enough. Grimmjow ate the whole rest of that pizza with no problem, and then decided that they could save the other pizza for later.

For the rest of that day the did as little as possible. Mostly this dumb tv series until Ulquiorra decided he was well enough to use the tv to play games. Grimmjow had one arm wrapped around Ulquiorra and held him close while he watched, and was the worst backseat gamer. More than once Ulquiorra decided to just give Grimmjow the controller to see if he could do it, and no, he could not. Instead he got huffy and annoying and handed the controller back to Ulquiorra. Not that he learned, since a few minutes later he would begin to throw suggestions at Ulquiorra once more.

“Maybe I should start talking like this while you’re driving,” Ulquiorra commented.

“....” Grimmjow immediately stopped at that. Now his comments were more about the game itself and what was going on rather than trying to tell Ulquiorra how to play the game.

The other pizza eventually disappeared too, and at some point they decided to go to sleep. Grimmjow still stayed on the couch. It would take a while before he became comfortable with the two of them sharing the same bed.

The next morning they were reminded that school was about to start as both Starrk and Nelliel appeared early that day, pretty much waking Ulqui by the noise. Especially Nelliel. That woman was not quiet at all. For some reason Grimmjow moving around rarely woke Ulquiorra up, but Nelliel walking around in the hallway outside of his room managed to wake him. Guess he was just that used to Grimmjow now.

He got up and was about to get some snacks for breakfast when Grimmjow stopped him.

“Proper food, not snacks.”

Ulquiorra glared at him. “Fine…”

“I’ll make scrambled eggs or something for you, come on.”

Ulquiorra sighed and followed Grimmjow into the kitchen. He really did not want to be here, and he did not do a good job hiding his discomfort either. Grimmjow just sent him a apologetic look, but didn’t say anything as he started to cook.

“Hellooooo!”

Nelliel was here. Ugh.

“Hey,” Grimmjow replied without looking up.

“Happy New Year, boys. How has it been to be all on your own?” She was smiling from ear to ear.

“Happy New Year to you too. It’s been fine. Pretty much claimed this whole fucking place as our own.”

“Really? And yet it’s still so clean,” Nelliel teased and went to the fridge to get something.

“As if Ulquiorra would allow for this place to get dirty,” Grimmjow smiled and looked over at Ulquiorra, almost as to check if he was okay.

Ulquiorra said nothing, he had pulled out his phone and was now playing on it just to keep busy. At least Grimmjow was talking to her so she wouldn’t turn her attention towards him. He knew she was just trying to be nice, but it really wasn’t working, not for him at least.

“Good. Anway, you boys play nice, I’ve got some unpacking to do. The woooorst part of travelling. Once I just let my suitcase stand there with stuff in it for a month, and the only unpacking I did was when I needed something that was inside that suitcase,” Nelliel rambled on.

“I can relate to that,” Grimmjow smiled, and with that Nelliel left.

Ulquiorra let out a low sigh and looked up from his phone. At least Grimmjow hadn’t said anything about the two of them being together, he had been slightly worried about that.

Eventually the food was made, and quickly eaten. Ulquiorra who usually would take his time with food decided to just eat as fast as he could this time so that he could escape into the room again.

Just as they closed the door behind them Ulquiorra could hear that someone else had returned to the flat. The others should be returning at some point during today or tomorrow.

“You’ll have to learn to deal with them at some point,” Grimmjow said and guided Ulquiorra over to the couch where he sat down and pulled Ulquiorra down onto his lap.

“I will… eventually. It is not high up on my list of priorities,” Ulquiorra replied and moved a bit. He was straddling Grimmjow.

“What’s highest up on your priority list then?” Grimmjow asked, his hands now on Ulquiorra’s thighs. It was strange to be touched there, but he didn’t mind it.

“Getting used to us… and try to stop self harming.”

Grimmjow smiled and hugged Ulquiorra close. “Yeah. Those two things should definitely be prioritized.”

Ulquiorra let out a low hum and closed his eyes, his face hidden against Grimmjow’s neck. This was nice. Just being held. Perhaps he was more touch starved than he had thought he was. A content sigh came from him as he allowed himself to completely relax.

“You planning to just melt into a ball of goo there?”

“Perhaps,” Ulquiorra mumbled. That comment certainly kept him from falling asleep where he sat. That idiot just couldn’t be quiet for too long, could he? He didn’t move for a few more minutes then he straightened up and Grimmjow loosened his hold on the other. “I’ll move over to my computer. You keep yourself entertained.”

“Aw, come on,” Grimmjow complained, but he let Ulquiorra go, and for a moment he just watched the other by his computer, until he decided he wanted to sit by him and watch what he was doing. “I’m almost tempted to start playing some of these games, it might be more fun to play with you than to watch you play.”

“I’ll buy you whatever game you want,” Ulquiorra commented without looking away from the screen.

“Think my laptop can handle it?”

“Your porn machine? No… I think I’ll buy you a new laptop first.”

“Heeeey,” Grimmjow commented, though clearly not offended. “Okay fair enough. School work and porn, that’s what it’s being used for. It’s an old piece of shit at this point, so I’m not going to say no to a new machine. Lucky me, I found myself a sugar daddy.”

Ulquiorra stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Grimmjow. “Grimmjow. No.”

That made Grimmjow laugh and Ulquiorra shook his head and turned his attention back to the game. He played pretty much for the rest of the day, Grimmjow now and then hanging over him, hugging him or giving him a kiss, since Grimmjow clearly could not go a long time without Ulquiorra’s attention being on him.

Bedtime. And the next morning he was awoken by a happy Nelliel screaming for Orihime. Good grief. School would start the next day so he guessed he would have to get used to waking up earlier than this, but this was still not how he preferred to be awoken. He let out a annoyed groan and rolled onto his side and tried to go back to sleep only to feel weight settle on the edge of his bed.

“Had it not been for them waking you then I would have,” Grimmjow said softly.

“Why?” Ulquiorra mumbled without opening his eyes.

“Because I made you breakfast.”

Ulquiorra’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at the other. Where did he get that tray from!? He did not own one. Had he bought it or borrowed it from one of the other ones here?

“Thank you,” Ulquiorra said and slowly sat up. Yeah, he felt guilty. Grimmjow didn’t have to do this for him… it was unnecessary, so unnecessary.

“Enjoy. And just so you know, I like spoiling you. You deserve to get to know what sort of good things life might offer,” Grimmjow said, he had clearly seen that Ulquiorra felt guilty about this, and just before Ulquiorra could reply he leaned in and kissed him. “Eat up.”

The tray was placed on Ulquiorra’s lap and Grimmjow got up and headed towards the bathroom. Soon enough he could hear to shower going. He looked down at the food he had been given. Eggs and bacon, with toast and a cup of tea. Grimmjow... 

Ulquiorra started to eat. It was really good, but sadly he didn’t manage to eat all of it, so he placed the tray, with the rest of the food on the table, he was going to clean that all up when he was sure no one was in the kitchen. Just as he had been about to sit down in front of his computer the bathroom door opened and Grimmjow walked out… in only a towel. Oh this man was really testing him.

“The food was really good. Thank you,” Ulquiorra said and Grimmjow walked over to him with a big grin on his face.

“Glad you liked it~”

Ulquiorra watched the other walk over to him. It was ridiculous how hard it was to just not stare at that toned upper body. Was he showing off on purpose? That expression on his face told Ulquiorra that he was very aware of what he was doing, and that he clearly enjoyed the attention.

“You’re not feeling overwhelmed, are you?” Grimmjow asked, his hands cupping Ulquiorra’s face.

“Not yet, but not far from it.”

“Okay, what’s going on in your head?”

“I still don’t feel like I deserve all the effort.. Just.. the care and the breakfast, everything. I don’t feel like I deserve it… but I’m not going to tell you to stop, since this is clearly something you want to do.”

“Don’t you like getting spoiled? There’s nothing wrong with enjoying these things. Don’t think that I’m forcing myself to do anything for you, since I’m not. I’m doing this because I want to.”

Ulquiorra let out a long shaky sigh. “I… I do like it… But it…”

“It feels like you shouldn’t like it? Or that it’s wrong of you to enjoy it?”

“Yes,” Ulquiorra whispered. Grimmjow knew him too well at this point.

“You’re doing a ton for me too. You’re over there thinking of getting me a laptop and them buy games for me. Don’t forget that you’re doing it too, you’re spoiling me just as much as I spoil you.”

It was a two way street. Grimmjow was right. “Yes… and I don’t plan on stopping.”

“Good, because I like it, and I’m not going to stop spoiling you either, so just fucking deal with it.”

“I will… it will take a bit of time for the guilt to fully go away… but it will, eventually.”

“Just keep working on that, and remind yourself that it’s fine to enjoy being taken care of, and that you’re doing it too,” Grimmjow said and leaned down to kiss him. When he pulled back the usual grin returned. “Also, you enjoying the view. You can try not to stare all you want, but you’re not fooling me.”

Ulquiorra huffed. “Get over yourself.”

Grimmjow chuckled. “Aaaw, come on. I know you find me attractive, so nothing wrong with enjoying what’s yours now.”

“Enjoy what’s mine? Sounds like you’re talking about an object and not yourself.”

“Well, I’m with you exclusively now, so no one else is going to get this.”

He knew that, and yet, hearing it felt rather intense. This was a relationship, they were in a relationship. Two men. He took a deep breath. It was fine, they were fine. It was nothing wrong with them being together, however some people were going to think it was wrong so best to keep it all a secret.

“Do I have to worry about people getting jealous then?” He knew Grimmjow was popular, he knew a lot of people had crushes on him, so he could only imagine what would happen when they found out that he had stopped sleeping around.

This secret, them, would not be able to stay a secret for long. He just realized that.

“It’s not like I’m going to tell them that I’m with you, unless you want me to, but yeah, I can think of some people who will be jealous of this mystery person who has managed to tame me,” Grimmjow replied, still grinning.

“Try to not tell anyone about us, but I don’t expect you to go out of your way to keep this a secret. The harder you try, the more people are going to want to investigate, and the more rumors you’ll have.”

“Roger that.”

Grimmjow stepped back, and Ulquiorra found his gaze move over the other’s body. He wanted to touch, but he kept himself from doing so and instead stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Get dressed, or are you planning to walk around like that all day?”

“Now that you mention it… maybe I am.”

Ulquiorra sighed and went over to his computer. He needed to find a decent laptop to buy Grimmjow. The whole time he would just pretend Grimmjow wasn’t there, acting as though he was not walking around the room in just a towel. That man was really testing him sometimes.

“I’ve got a few options here for you. They are all good, but you need to pick which one you want.”

Ulquiorra had intentionally found images of the laptops that said nothing about the price, as the price didn’t matter.

“Hmm.” Grimmjow stepped over to him and Ulquiorra couldn’t help but take one look at him. Yeah, still far too attractive for his own good. He knew Grimmjow didn’t mind him staring, but it would still be rude, and Ulquiorra wasn’t completely comfortable with just how attractive he thought Grimmjow was. “I like that one.” Grimmjow pointed at one of the two MSi machines he had picked out. “How much does it cost?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ulquiorra said and gestured for him to go away.

“You’re seriously going to buy it for me?” Grimmjow added. Sounds like he wasn’t completely sure that this was actually happening.

“I am.” Oh yeah, did Grimmjow not know just how much money Ulquiorra had? Or how easy it was for him to get money? Yeah, he stole, but he was clever about it. Taking a tiny amount from many people who had millions already. They wouldn’t notice if they lost 10 bucks here or there.

“You’re unreal sometimes.” Grimmjow tilted Ulquiorra’s head up a bit so that he could kiss him, and this kiss was far less innocent than the other ones they had shared. It left Ulquiorra feeling strange, not aroused, just strange, but not in a bad way. He really needed to get the hang of these emotions.

“Go and get dressed,” Ulquiorra commented after they broke apart.

“Fiiine.”

“If I want you to walk around like you’re a part of chippendales I will let you know.”


	18. Nightmare

They were midway through January now, and as Ulquiorra had suspected, there were now floating around rumors about Grimmjow being in a relationship, and everyone was trying to figure out who, but Ulquiorra had a feeling he was on top of that list since Grimmjow was spending so much time around him, even at school. He would appear and drag Ulquiorra to eat with him during lunch, which then meant that Ulquiorra had to eat. At first it had been annoying, but as he slowly regained an appetite he no longer had a problem with that.

Grimmjow was also nice enough not to show him any physical affection or compliment him while they were in public, just acting like they were nothing but friends. It was very much appreciated. He didn’t try to drag Ulqui along to any social gatherings either, though they didn’t happen as often as they would before, and Grimmjow still avoided parties, which was very understandable. It might be almost half a year since that shooting, but that was still far from enough time to heal from an experience such as that, and he might never recover completely.

In private, they really hadn’t been able to get any further ahead in their relationship, nothing past kisses and some touching, though none of it sexual or under clothes. For the most part the focus was on school, or Ulquiorra’s mental health, as he did have another bad episode that took time to recover from, thankfully it did not result in him trying to kill himself, just that the thought of doing so was there, and thankfully he had decided to let Grimmjow know.

He did feel guilty that he was taking so long, he had just started to get properly comfortable with the fact that he was romantically attracted to a man, which made it easier for him to initiate things instead of Grimmjow just doing so, but sexual attraction still made him feel a bit unwell. Ulquiorra had told Grimmjow that if he wished to sleep with someone else while Ulquiorra was taking his sweet time to get to when he would be able to then he was fine with that. Grimmjow had not been happy about that comment and told Ulquiorra that he could wait, he didn’t want to sleep with anyone else and would rather wait years rather than do something that stupid.

Ulquiorra huffed and pulled his jacket tighter around himself. It was freezing outside and Grimmjow was taking his sweet time picking him up after his appointment with the psychologist.

Then he finally arrived.

“Did your car break down halfway here, or?” Ulquiorra asked when he got in.

“Ooo, still talking trash about my poor car,” Grimmjow laughed. “Nah. Decided to pick up some donuts on the way here.” And with that he placed a pack of six donuts on Ulquiorra’s lap. “Enjoy.”

“Grimm-”

“No. You did good today. I know you really did not want to come here, but you did anyway, so you deserve a reward.”

Grimmjow was right. His wish to isolate himself had returned, and sadly that also meant that he spoke less to Grimmjow… even if that hurt, but he couldn’t really help it, he didn’t know how to force himself to get out of this box he was slowly getting trapped in.

“Thank you,” Ulquiorra said instead and picked up one of the donuts and started to eat while Grimmjow was driving.

“What were you talking about today?” Grimmjow asked.

“That I’m pushing people away.”

“Figured out how you are to deal with that?”

Ulquiorra was quiet for a bit. “I just need to withstand the temptation to let it happen. That does not mean I have to force myself to be incredibly social, just to remember to speak if there is something I have to or want to say, and try to not withdraw when I normally would not have.”

“Anything I can do?”

“You’re already doing everything right, so no, I don’t think there is anything you should do different. Just continue to be yourself.”

“Did it help to talk to him a bit about it?”

“It did.”

Grimmjow smiled. “Good.”

There was a bit of silence as Ulquiorra picked up another donut and started to eat.

“Then we talked about sex…”

Ulquiorra could see Grimmjow raise his eyebrow. “Now that’s a subject I’m interested in.”

“I know you are, and that is why it was brought up.”

“Still feeling guilty that you’re not ready to sleep with me?”

“A bit, though it will pass, it is not an issue at the moment.” There was a moment of silence as Grimmjow waited for Ulquiorra to continue, which he did with a sigh. Might as well just jump into it. “The fact that I find you, another man, sexually attractive makes me feel a bit unwell. It is something we’re going to be working on for the next couple of weeks, and I will have to take my time to accept that it’s okay for me to find you attractive in that way.”

Grimmjow nodded. “Okay. It’s good that you’re working on that internalized homophobia of yours.”

Ulquiorra hummed in agreement. It was harming him, he knew that, and it was part of why he disliked himself, and part of the reason for pretty much every issue he had. Part of it. But if they could take care of that part then it might be easier to manage the rest.

One step at a time.

They arrived at the school, and just as Grimmjow had been about to exit the car Ulquiorra decided to grab hold of his arm.

“Uh?” Grimmjow turned to look at Ulquiorra who took a moment to look around and then leaned into give Grimmjow a quick kiss. “Aren’t you being brave,” Grimmjow grinned, and Ulquiorra let go of him.

“I will see you later,” Ulquiorra commented and then headed towards his next class.

He didn’t see Grimmjow until he was done with the lectures, but through the day Grimmjow would now and then send him a message, which he responded to. For the most part it was discussion about what they were to eat. It was odd how incredibly domestic this was… how normal it was. Because it was normal. This is what any couple would be like. He reminded himself of that, and that it was only natural for him to feel sexual attraction towards Grimmjow. It was normal. Normal.

For now it wasn’t helping. It was going to be a slow process.

After he was done he met up with Grimmjow and they drove to the store, Ulquiorra stayed in the car while Grimmjow walked inside. Chicken was apparently what was on the menu for today, and tomorrow they were going to just get some Chinese take away. Once or twice a week they would take the lazy route when it came to dinner.

Then it was home, dinner, and either studies or whatever else they decided to do after that. 

Ulquiorra was reading through some of the material he had to go through next month while leaning on Grimmjow. He had at first wanted to sit on his bed and do this, but figured he should instead not pull away and decided therefore to stay close to his boyfriend. Grimmjow was busy playing video games on the tv, so he wasn’t exactly distracting him, but now and then Grimmjow would pause just to annoy Ulquiorra, mostly since Grimmjow could be incredibly needy. He couldn’t go too long without affection or attention.

Ulquiorra placed the papers he had been reading down on the table, and just as he had done so Grimmjow paused the game. Okay, someone wanted attention. Ulquiorra turned towards him and just as he had done so Grimmjow wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close while laying down, so that Ulquiorra was laying on top of hm. Cuddles it was. He moved a bit, making sure that he was really comfortable. Grimmjow had decided to switch over to youtube in the meantime, just something stupid in the background as they lay there.

It didn’t take too long before this had made both of them rather sleepy, so Ulquiorra got up, which made Grimmjow complain.

“Tomorrow. Neither of us have all that many classes tomorrow, we can take some time for this then,” Ulquiorra said.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Ulquiorra went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, and once he was done Grimmjow did the same. Before Ulquiorra was allowed to crawl to bed Grimmjow pulled him close and made sure to give him a long kiss. He truly did enjoy what those lips felt like against his own, so when Grimmjow pulled away Ulquiorra decided to pull him down again for another kiss.

“Fucking love it when you do that,” Grimmjow grinned.

“Hmm. I will have to take initiative a bit more often then,” Ulquiorra replied and stepped away, heading towards his bed.

“Please do.”

Silence as both of them went to sleep, Grimmjow still on the couch, and like usual, Grimmjow fell asleep a lot faster than Ulquiorra did. His sleep problem was not as severe as before, he no longer went for whole days without sleep, or normally didn’t. Now and then he couldn’t sleep, or some days he only got a couple of hours, but it was a big improvement from before.

Tonight, sleep decided to be very hard to get, so he lay there for a couple of hours, and had just sat up in bed and been about to reach for his phone when Grimmjow started to stir. Ulquiorra turned towards him and listened. This was not the first time Grimmjow had had nightmares, so Ulquiorra usually knew when it was about to take a bad turn.

He got out of bed and walked over to Grimmjow and gently touched his shoulder.

“Grimm. Grimm.” He said softly. It took a few seconds but then Grimmjow woke up and almost jumped up. Ulquiorra had stepped back or else Grimmjow would have jumped into him. “Hey, calm down. You’re safe. I’m here.”

Grimmjow sank down onto the couch again. “Fuck… it was like I was there again.”

“I know,” Ulquiorra replied softly and sat down next to him and reached out to play with his hair.

“Thanks for waking me.” That was followed by a yawn. “We should still get some sleep…”

“You think you’ll be able to sleep after that?”

“I don’t know… but I’ll try.”

Ulquiorra got up, but before Grimmjow could lay down he spoke. “Come here.”

Grimmjow frowned a bit but did as Ulquiorra said and rose to his feed. Then Ulquiorra took his hand and guided him along over to his bed.

“Wait… you want me to sleep next to you?”

“Yes.”

“You sure you’re fine with that?”

“Yes, unless you plan to molest me while I sleep.”

“Fuck no.”

“Then it’s fine. I don’t know if it will help you to have me there, I just hope you might feel a bit safer.”

Grimmjow smiled and leaned down to kiss Ulquiorra. “You can be a real softie at times.”

“Right…” Ulquiorra said and rolled his eyes. “Just like you wish to care for me, I too wish to care for you.”

“Softie,” Grimmjow smiled and Ulquiorra took the chance to pick up one of his pillows and smack Grimmjow with it. Grimmjow only laughed at that.

Ulquiorra huffed and placed the pillow back before crawling into bed, and he was quickly followed by Grimmjow who made himself comfortable and pulled Ulquiorra close.

It was strange to have him here, but it wasn’t bad, at all. It was actually rather nice, even if this was something he would have to get used to. He let out a low sigh and closed his eyes, letting himself relax in Grimmjow’s arms.

“If you want… you can sleep in my bed with me from now on,” Ulquiorra said quietly.

“Mmmm. Would fucking love that,” Grimmjow pretty much purred in return, so pleased with this development.


	19. Confrontation

The next morning Ulquiorra woke up before his alarm, and the first thing he noticed was Grimmjow’s arms still wrapped around him. It was nice. Warm. He moved a bit closer to the other, and felt the arms tighten their hold on him. Grimmjow hummed. Ulquiorra couldn’t tell if he was asleep or half awake, so he decided to stay quiet and just enjoy the closeness.

Minutes passed, Ulquiorra couldn’t tell how many, but eventually he heard his alarm.

“I hate that sound,” Grimmjow mumbled.

“Too bad. Though I can’t reach my phone from here, you’re closest to it so can you hand it to me.”

“Can’t I just turn it off?” Grimmjow asked and turned and reached for the phone.

“If you can, sure.”

Grimmjow stared at the screen for a moment, then frowned. “What the fuck is this?”

“To stop the alarm you have to solve a math problem.”

“As if mornings weren’t bad enough already, but you decided to add math to it all,” Grimmjow groaned and handed Ulquiorra the phone, only to groan again as Ulquiorra decided to sit up. Oh great, this morning his phone had decided to give him calculus.

It took him a moment to solve it, and the moment the right answer was typed in his phone turned silent. For a second he considered getting out of bed… no… he still had time so he reached over Grimmjow and placed his phone back onto the nightstand and then lay down close to Grimmjow again and cuddle up to him. Grimmjow was grinning widely now, and held the other close.

So, this was pretty much what each and every morning was like from now on. It did give him less time to get to class, but it was worth it.

Valentines Day came by, and Ulquiorra gave Grimmjow strict instruction to just ignore that day, which he had no problem with. Apparently Grimmjow was not a fan either, especially after dealing with a very demanding girlfriend a few years ago who did not think some flowers and a day out was enough, and decided to whine to all her friends about how awful of a boyfriend Grimmjow was. He didn’t have patience for that kind of bullshit, and broke up with her instead of trying to fix things, since, really, he had done nothing wrong.

“Grimm..”

Grimmjow sent Ulquiorra a short look as he was busy typing away on his computer, while Ulquiorra was sitting by his own playing.

“Hm?”

“If anyone asks, then it’s okay to say that you’re with me.” Ulquiorra could hear that Grimmjow had stopped typing. “I’m fine with us not being a secret anymore, but that does not mean that I’m comfortable with any sort of public show of affection, yet.”

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at the other. No words, Grimmjow simply leaned down and kissed him.

“Good, since it’s been tough as hell to keep it to myself. I’ve wanted to tell everyone that you’re mine,” Grimmjow grinned when he pulled away.

“I don’t think you have to worry about anyone wanting to get me.”

“Who knows, if there is anyone out there who’s got their eyes on you I will make sure they don’t even fucking try.”

“So possessive,” Ulquiorra hummed.

“Territorial,” Grimmjow corrected. “Is that a issue?”

“No, not at all.” He didn’t mind, it was rather cute actually. Ulquiorra wasn’t worried it would turn into some sort of controlling behavior as Grimmjow was really not the type for that.

The only issue with letting Grimmjow tell people was something he realized only a couple of days later when he had been on his way to a lecture and was stopped by two girls, both glaring at him as though he had killed their pets.

“You’re the little fucker who took Grimmjow from us?”

“Pretty sure Grimmjow isn’t an object, so he can do whatever he wants,” he replied, anxiety levels were high, but so were his defenses so they would not see how incredibly uncomfortable he was right now. All they saw were cold green eyes staring back at them, and his tone was just as cold and flat, bordering arrogant.

“Just wait, he’ll dump you within the month.”

“Don’t hold your breath until then,” Ulquiorra said and walked around them.

Only later that same day he was once again confronted while he was in the library while getting mildly distracted by texts Grimmjow was sending him as the were planning dinner.

“You’re Ulquiorra?”

“Yes,” he said carefully as he looked up at the girl in front of him. She looked like she had just been crying.

“How fucking dare you!?” she screamed. No reaction from Ulquiorra, he just sat perfectly still and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. There was that anxiety again, and part of him just wanted to run, but he stayed still. Not reacting was apparently the wrong way to react as the girl then decided to slap Ulquiorra across the cheek and then storm out of there.

Yeah… this was hell. He was very sure of it, and for the rest of the day he was jumpy and very tense. Even when he had managed to get home he didn’t feel any better. Normally he would have waited for Grimmjow, since he finished things about an hour later, but he just had to get away.

The second he got to his room he had sat down in front of his computer and started up a game to distract himself, and he stayed there until Grimmjow appeared.

“Everything okay? Or were you just in a hurry?” Grimmjow asked as he entered the room and dropped his bag on the floor.

For half a second Ulquiorra wanted to say that everything was fine, but that would not solve anything, in fact, it would break the trust between them, so he took a deep breath and paused the game.

“No… things are not oka-” he hadn’t finished before Grimmjow had quickly walked over with him, and dragged a chair with him as he did so and sat down right next to him.

“What’s going on?”

“I underestimated your popularity.”

Grimmjow blinked in confusion. “Uh?”

“Girls that are interested in you decided to harass me an-”

“WHAT?!” Grimmjow jumped to his feet. “Describe them to me, I’ll make sure they never set a foot near you again.”

“O-Okay. As long as you don’t do anything illegal I will do that.”’

“I’m not that fucking dumb. So tell me what do they look like?” Ulquiorra sighed and did as Grimmjow requested. “Uuuugh. I know who they are. Fucking bitches,” he groaned and pulled up his phone. “Come here,” Grimmjow said as he walked over to the couch and sat down. Ulquiorra followed and found himself pulled down onto Grimmjow’s lap, both legs on one side of him. Grimmjow kept one arm wrapped around Ulquiorra as the other typed away on his phone.

Grimmjow: What the fuck is wrong with you?  
Loly: ???  
Grimmjow: I heard about you and Menoly.  
Loly: I’ve got no clue what you’re talking about.  
Grimmjow: Harass my boyfriend again and you’ll fucking regret it.  
Loly: Whaat? I didn’t talk to him.  
Grimmjow: Right.

“You really think she’ll stay away?” Ulquiorra asked.

“If she doesn’t, just punch her in her ugly face,” Grimmjow replied, Ulquiorra huffed and smiled a bit at that.

“I will let you do that for me.”

“With pleasure.”

Grimmjow: I heard what you did, you bitch!  
Inari: I didn’t mean to hit him, I swear, I’m so sorry!

“Hit… WHAT?!”

“You didn’t let me get to that part,” Ulquiorra sighed. Grimmjow looked more distressed than Ulquiorra had seen him in a very long time. “It’s not your fault it happened, and I’m fine,” Ulquiorra added and pressed a kiss to the side of Grimmjow’s head. He could feel the arm around him tighten.

Grimmjow: You’re fucking dead to me.  
Inari: I’m so, so sorry!  
Grimmjow: Fuck you.

And with that he had blocked her. He huffed, still very angry about it all, and Ulquiorra half expected him to throw a tantrum but instead he threw his phone across the room so that it landed in Ulquiorra’s bed, and then wrapped both arms around Ulquiorra as he lay down on the couch.

They stayed there until they decided to make some food. At that point Orihime appeared to get something from the fridge. Ulquiorra suspected that she knew something was going on between the two of them, but she said nothing, only gave them a smile and asked what they were making.

It was good to see that not everyone felt a strong need to comment on the two of them.

The next day he did feel like a lot of people were looking at him, which was incredibly uncomfortable, and he found himself waiting in the classrooms he had been in until the hallway was close to quiet so that he wouldn’t have to deal with with all that many people.

As he had been waiting in one classroom he heard the door open and as he looked up he saw Yylfordt enter. This was a very, very bad sign. He knew the other did not spend any time at this side of the campus, and clearly he wasn’t looking for someone else as he was walking straight towards Ulquiorra.

“So… you’re Ulquiorra, right?” he asked, and Ulquiorra nodded only for the other to look him over, clearly studying him. This was uncomfortable. “I can’t say I’m impressed. I thought Grimmjow would go for someone who’s a bit more… attractive.”

Ulquiorra’s reaction was to turn to ice, he was in defense mode. “Jealous?” he asked coldly.

Yylfordt rolled his eyes. “Not really, I’ll just wait for this relationship to end. Grimmjow appears so be so tense these days, so I guess you don’t know how to treat him. I know you had no fucking experience in bed, so I feel really sorry for Grimmjow.”

“And how would you know that?”

“Because I remember you from the ‘never have I ever’ game, and you had done nothing, like… it was kind of sad, but I feel more sorry for Grimmjow.”

“...” Ulquiorra just continued to stare coldly at the other. “What are you trying to achieve here?”

Yylfordt sighed dramatically. “I’m saying, you should just break up with him before this whole relationship ordeal because really sad. Do you even know what he likes in bed?”

“That is a very invasive question. Do you?”

“Of course I do. I’ve slept with him multiple times,” was the answer and it only caused Ulquiorra to sigh. Wow… this was going great. It sure had been a great idea of him to tell Grimmjow it was okay for them not to be a secret anymore… As he continued to stare at Yylfordt, waiting for him to either just leave or finish this cursed conversation. Instead the other decided to pull up his phone and typed away on it for a while. “Just watch this.”

The phone was held out in front of Ulquiorra as the blonde pressed a button and yeah… That was a sex tape of Yylfordt getting fucked by Grimmjow from behind, and they both appeared to be enjoying it. Ulquiorra turned his gaze away, but that didn’t stop the sounds. Grimmjow groaning and Yylfordt calling Grimmjow’s name.

“Ever caused him to make sounds like that before?” Yylfordt asked, a wide smile on his lips.

“Unlike you, I would prefer to keep my private life private.”

“I knew you hadn’t.” Apparently the other was done now, and decided to leave.

For the rest of the day he felt sick, and uncomfortable. He didn’t talk much, not even when he met up with Grimmjow, who immediately noticed that something was wrong.

“We’ll talk about it when we get home,” Ulquiorra said as Grimmjow started the car.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

They got back to Ulquiorra’s room and Grimmjow was quick to pull Ulquiorra into a hug.

“What happened?”

“A very, very uncomfortable confrontation.”

Grimmjow growled. “Who was it this time?”

“Yylfordt.” There was a pause. “He whined that you were apparently ‘tense’ since I was not giving you enough sex, and pointed to my inexperience since he remembered me from that ‘never have I ever game’ I was dumb enough to take part in. Then he proceeded to show me a sex tape of the two of you… which was not something I wished to see.”

“SEX TAPE!? WHAT THE FUCK!? I NEVER AGREED TO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!”

That tape… had not been filmed… with consent. It was like a dark shadow crept up at the back of Ulquiorra’s mind, and he took a step back, getting out of Grimmjow’s arms.

“You never knew anything about it?”

“FUCK NO!” Grimmjow responded and quickly pulled out his phone.

“Wait a bit… I need you to do something for me before you contact him,” Ulquiorra said and walked over to his computer and immediately booted up everything he needed to hack.

“What the hell is all of that?” Grimmjow asked as he had followed Ulquiorra.

With a few taps Ulquiorra accessed Grimmjow’s phone. “Now, I’m in your phone, but I need you to send Yylfordt a link so that I can access his phone.”

Grimmjow’s eyes widened. “Holy shit.” Together they found something that Grimmjow would normally send Yylfordt, just something dumb, and Ulquiorra turned it into a host for a malware that would give him access to everything, and if Yylfordt’s phone was connected to his laptop in some way, like through a shared account, then he would get access to that too.

The link was sent, and opened.

“What are you planning to do?” Grimmjow asked.

“Ruin him.”

Ulquiorra looked over at the other when he heard a weird sound come from Grimmjow. What…?

“Is this turning you on?” Ulquiorra asked with a raised eyebrow

“Dude, you’re hot as fuck right now.”

“O… okay?” He turned back to his screen and started to look around, looking for anything he could use to mess up for Yylfordt, and one thing he found was that there were several videos.

“Delete them,” Grimmjow hissed.

“I will… however, for now he thinks I’m the only one who knows about them, so I need you to let him know that you know… tell him on discord first, in that public group, and then call him.”

“Fuck you’re hot,” Grimmjow huffed and stepped back, as though being too close to Ulquiorra was too much for him right now.

Ulquiorra turned to look at him. “I’m trying to understand what about this makes it hot.”

“You’re…” Grimmjow groaned. “You’re in your right element, you’re confident as fuck, and kind of scary, which is just... Ugh.”

Hmm. Ulquiorra found himself analyzing this whole situation and his own behavior for a bit. He behaved like someone with authority, someone in control, which he was. “So,” he said slowly and sent Grimmjow a dark look. He was just testing this. “If I was to order you around, tell you what to do, you would find that arousing. If I was to tell you to undress for me, and touch yourself, would you like that?”

Grimmjow just groaned, and Ulquiorra could see that the other was hard now. Well, clearly that was a kink Grimmjow had. He turned back to his computer screen and continued to look around, finding everything he could to really mess up Yylfordt.

“Write in the discord chat, and then call Yylfordt and yell at him for a bit,” Ulquiorra repeated, raising his voice slightly.

“You’re going to ruin me,” Grimmjow mumbled in the background and Ulquiorra could see in the discord chat he still had access to through these programs that Grimmjow was typing.

Grimmjow: What the fuck Yylfordt!? Ulquiorra told me about those tapes, what the hell man!?  
Yylfordt: ??? Did I do something wrong?  
Aizen: Yylfordt, what did you do?  
Ichigo: ??????????  
Grimmjow: You fucker recorded us when we were having sex, and you never fucking told me!!  
Szayel: The most shocking part of this is that he had sex, and that he never showed me that. Why did you keep that from me?  
Yylfordt: I thought you would be okay with it!  
Aizen: Yylfordt, you could not know that since you never asked for consent. What you did was a crime.  
Shiro: That’s fucked up man.  
Ichigo: Wait. How did Ulquiorra know about the tapes?  
Nelliel: DID YOU SHOW HIM THEM OR SOMETHING!? THAT’S SO MEAN! IMAGINE HOW UPSET ULQUIORRA MUST HAVE FELT AFTER SEEING SOMETHING LIKE THAT!  
Starrk: What shocks me more is that he did all of that and didn’t think it would come back and bite him. Did you think Ulquiorra was going to stay quiet about it?  
Yylfordt: Grimmjow, just call me, we can talk about this.  
Grimmjow: I fucking will!  
Nelliel: DELETE THOSE TAPES! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KEEP THEM!  
Tesla: I can almost hear you screaming that all the way over here.

There were close to 40 people in that chat, and over half were online right now, so all of them should have seen that conversation.

“So, why did I call him out exactly?”

“Because then more people will know of this, and there is a risk those people will spread this information further, so call it part of our revenge, but also a way for me to hide. Some of these people might know someone who can hack, or maybe some of these knows how to hack, so the two of us will not be the only suspects when things start to go wrong on his phone and laptop.”

“Still hot,” Grimmjow mumbled and held the phone up to his ear.

In the meantime Ulquiorra was just watching. He was going to give this a moment before he started to mess things up. The laptop first.

“First of all, fuck you,” Grimmjow said, and didn’t give Yylfordt any time to respond before he continued. “You fucking filmed us having sex, I was not okay with that, so you better fucking delete those videos. Yeah… if there is one then I bet there’s more of them, delete them. Fucking do it. I want proof that it’s no longer on your phone or laptop tomorrow.”

Ulquiorra pressed a few buttons.

“Uh? How convenient that you can’t access your laptop right now,” Grimmjow hissed. “Also, don’t you fucking dare harass Ulquiorra again. I get you’re jealous, but this just makes you look like a big piece of shit. It’s pathetic.”

Ulquiorra continued to type around, locking Yylfordt out of everything, and deleting one thing after another. He was going to be nice and not touch his bank account, for now. The videos were deleted too.

“Yeah… I’ll admit, you’re decent in bed, but not much else… Yeah, just decent. I can already tell that Ulquiorra will be a ton better than you.”

“It’s not a competition,” Ulquiorra commented.

“I know it’s not a competition, but it’s true. You only need to speak a few words you turn me on or give me a look, and it has nothing to do with how long it’s been since I’ve had sex, nothing.”

“Hmm. I will be sure to use that to my advantage,” Ulquiorra replied slowly, deepening his voice a bit.

“Yeah okay, Ulqui, I already have a boner, thanks.”

What amused Ulquiorra even more was that Yylfordt would have heard all of that.

The conversation lasted for a bit more, before Ulquiorra forced Yylfordt’s phone to close down, and with that, he could no longer access that device either.

“So, what did you do?”

“Rob him of modern technology. He will struggle to get access to his phone and laptop without serious help now,” Ulquiorra replied.

“You’re absolutely terrifying.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“Good.”

Ulquiorra got up and walked over to Grimmjow, who was in the middle of the room as he had been walking around while on the phone, and placed a hand on his chest and slowly pushed him back until the back of his knees hit the couch and he was forced to sit down. This was unknown territory to Ulquiorra, but he was going to see how this went.

He leaned down a bit towards Grimmjow. “Pull down your pants, and touch yourself. I will be watching.”

Grimmjow’s eyes widened. This was clearly not something he had expected.

“Do I have to tell you twice?” Ulquiorra added and narrowed his eyes slightly. That caused Grimmjow to move and he undid his pants and pulled them and his underwear down, freeing his erection.

Ulquiorra straightened up and took a step back as he looked the other over, not hiding the fact that he was studying Grimmjow cock. It appeared to be around average length, but it had a bit of girth. Seeing it sent a shiver through him, but he didn’t allow that to show.

Grimmjow started to stroke, his hand moving up and down over the shaft. The whole time he kept his gaze on Ulquiorra, who never looked away, not even for a second. He didn’t say anything, he simply watched as Grimmjow continued to touch himself. After a little while he increased the pace. Soft sounds were coming from Grimmjow, and those sounds had a bit of an affect on Ulquiorra, but like before, he managed to keep a straight face. He was a master of hiding what he felt after all.

It didn’t take long after that before Grimmjow came. That was when Ulquiorra stepped forward and leaned over him so that he could kiss him.

“That was hot as hell, Ulqui,” Grimmjow smiled against his lips.

“I felt like I should have been formally dressed through all of that.”

“Uuugh. You’re here to ruin me, aren’t you?”

“Perhaps. You appeared to be enjoying that.”

“Fuck yes I did… but… did you? You’ve got such a poker face.”

“It was amusing yes, I wouldn’t mind doing that again.”

Grimmjow was grinning widely now. “Good.”


	20. Exploration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I need to update those tags for this fic, since this whole chapter is just a kink list.

Since that incidence, Grimmjow had realized that Ulquiorra was okay with him masturbating in the room, rather than in the bathroom, and that was when Ulquiorra noticed how often he did it. Pretty much once a day, or sometimes twice a day. He guessed that was normal, it was just more than he had expected. It really was at this point that he had realized just how little he actually knew about sex and sexuality as it was something he had avoided for a long time.

He had mentioned this to Ukitake, who had smiled at him and said he was glad Ulquiorra had gained interest in this subject, which was a response he had not expected. Though with a bit of talking he had realized that he didn’t feel disgusted with himself or bad about feeling sexual attraction. Without really realizing this, he had come to terms and accepted his own sexuality, for the most part. It did caused him to get a bit emotional for a moment, it was a huge step for him.

Most of that session was spent talking about this, what Ulquiorra wished to do with this revelation, how to explore this safely, and they both knew that Grimmjow would play a big part, so the first step really would be to talk to Grimmjow. Then the question was, how comfortable was Ulquiorra talking about this with Grimmjow. He had just smiled slightly at that question and confirmed that he was very comfortable with Grimmjow, so that wouldn’t be an issue.

Grimmjow had come up now and then in their conversations, and Ukitake had several times mentioned that Grimmjow appeared to be a positive influence, and that he could clearly see how much the two of them cared for one another.

When Ulquiorra had stepped out of the building Grimmjow had already arrived to pick him up, so for once he didn’t have to wait for him to appear.

“How did it go?” Grimmjow asked.

“Good. Spent most of the time talking about sex,” Ulquiorra replied and Grimmjow sent him a short look.

“Now that’s a subject I just happen to be very interested in,” Grimmjow grinned.

“You don’t say.” He paused for a moment, just to annoy his boyfriend a bit before he continued talking. “We realized that I don’t have any negative feelings towards my own sexuality anymore… without knowing it I have accepted that I find you sexually attractive, and the thought of having sex with you is arousing rather than uncomfortable.”

Grimmjow’s grin only grew wider. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“So… I wish to explore my own sexuality, figure out what I like, don’t like… and gain some knowledge about this subject as I have been avoiding it until now… so sadly this is something I can’t say I know too much about, but I’ll do research.”

“I’m happy to help you explore,” Grimmjow added and leaned over to place a kiss on Ulquiorra’s cheek. Now he finally started driving, apparently this whole conversation had distracted him. “And if there is anything you wish to know then just ask. I’ve got plenty of experience. Also, porn isn’t going to teach you jack shit, most of it is so fake it fucking hurt to watch.”

“Good to know? Maybe I will watch porn with you so that you can explain what is so fake about it,” Ulquiorra suggested.

“Okay, that’s a good idea,” Grimmjow agreed.

There was a slight pause, and Ulquiorra figured Grimmjow was waiting for him to start asking questions. “Does… it hurt?”

“Not if you’re doing it right. We’ll take it slow, so don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re not in pain,” Grimmjow replied.

“How will you prevent pain?”

“Well… okay, my plan is to slowly get you used to something entering you, so fingers first, since most likely you’ll be a bit tense when we start this all and that can cause pain. You’ll need to learn to relax your muscles properly and just get used to the feeling of something fucking you. Once you appear to be ready to deal with something bigger then I’ll happily put my dick in you, and during all of this, I’ll be using a lot of lube.”

“So… will this take days or a night or…?”

Grimmjow shrugged. “A couple of days, maybe a week, we’ll see.”

He really did sound relaxed about it, which helped, like he was in no rush to get there. There was a moment of silence now. It was hard to think of questions when he wasn’t sure what sort of information he was lacking, but thankfully, Grimmjow spoke up.

“So, you interested in kinks or shit like that?”

“It would be interesting to see if I had any kinks, yes, but I don’t know how you discover those things.”

“No worries. I’ll find some things for you, usually videos of the kink in play and you’ll just say if it’s something you would like to try out sometime. There will be no judgment, so even though I know some of these kinks might seem a bit weird, they are not, it’s all fine as long as what you’re doing is legal and with consent.”

It was weird to hear him speak like this, and he was very sure he wouldn’t have talked like this, used those words and phrased it like that had it not been for how inexperienced Ulquiorra was. Grimmjow was really doing his best to keep this subject from becoming scary or uncomfortable for him, and making him feel safe. It was sweet.

“But I don’t know if you want to throw yourself into the whole kink ordeal just-”

“I do want to. I’m curious, and don’t worry, I’m not easily frightened.”

Grimmjow looked over at him for a second. “Okay. We can do that when we get back home then, after classes.”

They arrived at the school and Grimmjow parked his car, but before he was allowed out Ulquiorra grabbed hold of him and pulled him into a kiss. He could hear Grimmjow let out a low hum, pleased with this little surprise.

“Eager, aren’t you?” he grinned as Ulquiorra broke away. “I like it.”

“Good.”

He had years to catch up with, so in a sense he was pretty sure that what he was feeling now was similar to what a teenager would when they started to discover their own sexuality as he had no idea just how to deal with the thoughts and images and feelings that was going through him right now. Thankfully, he was not a teenager, and knew to behave and stay focused until he could allow himself to give in to what his head and body wanted.

They met up after school, and on the way home they picked up some food as neither of them wanted to cook. When they got home they ate it rather quickly and then Ulquiorra turned his computer on, and gestured for Grimmjow to sit down in front of it. Go ahead, show him what he had been missing out on.

“Oh man, I thought we were going to use my laptop for this,” Grimmjow chuckled and dragged Ulquiorra down onto his lap.

“I hope I’m not in the way while I’m sitting here.”

“Nah. I want to keep you close,” he said with a smile and ran a hand up and down Ulquiorra’s thigh, and just as he had been about to turn his attention to the computer Ulquiorra said something that caused him to look at him for quite a bit longer.

“If you wish to touch under my clothes, then that’s fine.”

Grimmjow blinked at him. “Yeah… well... I would love to, but do you want me to?”

“I do… I do want you to touch me.”

Grimmjow grinned. “So maybe I’ll get to explore your body a bit later then, figure out where you like to be touched.”

That thought sent a shiver through him. “I… would like that.”

“Good. But first, let’s see if we can find something you’re interested in.”

Ulquiorra watched as Grimmjow typed away, getting to whatever site it was he wanted… which were five different porn sites, oh boy, here it begun.

“Bondage first. It’s a very common one for people to be interested in.”

“I remember you mentioning you liked that,” Ulquiorra commented.

“Yeah. I’ll let you know about the things I like too as we go along.”

In the video a guy was getting his hands tied up to the bed, so he would be completely unable to use them. He imagined himself, or Grimmjow, in that position. Tied up, letting Grimmjow have his way with him, do as he pleased with him unable to physically stop him, or with Grimmjow in that position. A shiver ran through him and he let out a shaky sigh.

“Something you would like to try?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes… but... If I don’t like it, you will stop, correct?”

“Of course. I don’t want to fucking assault you. If you want me to stop, doesn’t matter if it’s right before we’re having sex, or during, just tell me, I would rather stop and be a bit grumpy than find out later that you did something you didn’t actually want to do.”

Ulquiorra nodded and wrapped his arms around him to hug him. He really was a good boyfriend.

So, bondage was added to the list, and next up was public sex. Now this was something he had heard of before, mostly because people had been caught, though… the risk of doing so… he supposed it could be interesting.

“Sooo?” Grimmjow purred.

“It would depend how public… not… really something I want to try right now, but maybe later.” He was not closing the door on that one, but it was one of the ones he wasn’t sure how to feel about right now.

Then there were toys. The guy in the video sure had a large selection of them, and they all looked good… though what he liked even more was imagining using them on Grimmjow or having Grimmjow use them on him.

“Where do you get toys like that?”

“Online. You want some?” Grimmjow asked with a grin. Ulquiorra nodded. “We’ll get some later then.”

This all was arousing him a bit, but for now it wasn’t something he felt the need to deal with, it was a feeling he had started to feel more and more often, but until now he had done a good job of just pushing it aside or not paying attention to it. He didn’t want to do that anymore.

Ulquiorra tilted his head a bit, they were still on the toy video, and the man who was playing was now inserting what looked to be a steel rod into his urethra. “Is.. that safe?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Sounding, yeah, if you remember to keep the toy properly clean, then it is.”

“Steel doesn’t look all that comfortable.”

“There are some made in other materials, even some that vibrates.” At that Ulquiorra found himself shifting a bit how he was sitting on Grimmjow’s lap. “Hmmm. So, does that sound attractive to you?”

“Have you tried it?”

“Yeah. I like it, but it’s not for everyone.”

“I… would like to try.”

He felt Grimmjow kiss his neck. This was going really well thus far. He had thought he would be a lot more confident while discussing this, but at least he was honest.

Next up on the video list was humiliation, or more of a slave master ordeal, something like that.

“Is… the person in a collar consenting to this?”

“Yes. This is a bit more on the heavier side.”

“Okay… I don’t know… we’ll see. Maybe nothing as heavy as this…” he really wasn’t sure.

“That’s fine, don’t worry, I’m not upset if there is any of these you’re not interested in.”

They continued on through videos, looking over one thing after another. Most, Ulquiorra couldn’t say if he wanted to try or not, this was all very new to him, but at least he knew these things existed, though watching all of this did arousing, a lot, and he was sure Grimmjow had noticed.

“Want to have a look at toys then?” Grimmjow asked, and Ulquiorra nodded.

“I can pay for them.”

Grimmjow didn’t argue, instead he quickly found a few sites for them to look through.

Anal beads, dildos, sounding equipment, vibrators. There was a lot of these that were very interesting. Grimmjow had pretty much just told him to look over the things that he might like, and there was so much he would try out out of all of these toys.

“What’s this?” vibrating egg?

“A cordless vibrator you place inside someone, and is controlled by the controller,” Grimmjow explained.

“So I could place it inside you, and no one would know, while I decide how much it vibrates?” Ulquiorra said and looked over at Grimmjow who was staring at him with wide eyes.

“Yeah… yeah, you could do that.”

He picked out about 10 toys from this site. Then Grimmjow introduced him to the next one. This one had some very interesting looking dildos. “Uh..?”

“They are made to look like they belong to monsters.”

For a moment Ulquiorra’s fantasy decided to take hold of him. He bit his lower lip as he looked over those toys… they… were very attractive. Grimmjow could clearly see his interest.

“Handsome aren’t they? Those ridges and bumps really helps stimulate, so if you want to try a few then I would really recommend doing so.”

Ulquiorra decided to pick up several of the toys they had there, and that was until he got to one that he became incredibly curious about, it didn’t look like any of the other ones.

“Ovipositor?” What?

“Okay, so, you make some eggs, usually out of gelatin or something other sort of harmless stuff, and use that to push those eggs inside. Many uses it to imagine themselves getting filled with eggs from some sort of creature. Those eggs usually melt inside of you, since they might be a bit difficult to-” Grimmjow paused as he watched Ulquiorra add it to the growing list of toys he was going to buy. “Kinky~”

They scrolled a bit further down and then he came across something else that caught his interest.

“Cum lube?”

“Lube that looks like cum, usually something to have with the toys to make it seem as though the toy came inside of yo-” Grimmjow paused and grinned as he watched Ulquiorra add everything needed for that too to the other items he was buying. “I have to say, I didn’t expect you to be this interested.”

“Why not?”

“Just your lack of sexual interest before now. I suppose you just needed that mental blockade to disappear.”

“I’m a bit surprised too honestly, but there is nothing wrong with this, right?”

“Nope, absolutely not. I’m glad you’re this interested.”

Grimmjow was a very sexual being, he knew that, so of course he was happy to see how interested and curious Ulquiorra was, it meant they got to do this together.

“Is there anything else?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Nope. I’ll just need to go out and get some lube and condoms and we should be fine.”

“Condoms because of sanitary reasons, or?”

“Figured you might be more comfortable with safe sex. Don’t worry, I’ve checked, I don’t have anything that could infect you.”

“I don’t know if I would be more comfortable with that or not… and good to know.”

“Well… since you did buy all that cum lube I suppose the thought of my cum being inside of you is something you would like,” Grimmjow grinned, and Ulquiorra only took a deep breath. “Want to move over to the couch or the bed?”

“Bed.”

He wasn’t sure what Grimmjow’s intentions were, but he trusted him, so he got to his feet and allowed the other to guide him over to the bed. They sat down in it and Grimmjow leaned in to press his lips against Ulquiorra’s neck, gently kissing the soft skin and Ulquiorra could feel his tongue there too. It felt nice… especially now since it really felt like he was a lot more sensitive than he usually would have been.

“Let’s see how far you want to go, okay?”

“Okay.”

He was very sure he had never been this aroused before, so just the kisses and gentle bites to his neck was enough to cause low sounds to come from him and he tilted his head to the side to give Grimmjow more space.

“Lay down,” Grimmjow whispered and Ulquiorra did as he was told.

Grimmjow crawled on top of him and kissed him. It was soft and slow, then Grimmjow decided to do something new. Ulquiorra could feel him part his lips slightly, and followed along and did the same. A surprised gasp came from him when he felt Grimmjow’s tongue against his lips. Grimmjow pulled back slightly. “You okay.”

“Yes, keep going.”

Grimmjow smiled at the encouragement and kissed him again. Tongue was soon added. It felt weird, but not in a bad way. Just something new, but he liked it. He liked it a lot. Ugh his pants felt so tight, he just wanted to remove them at this point.

A muffled moan came from him when he felt a hand sneak under his shirt, stroking over his stomach, and he arched into the touch, silently asking for more. Grimmjow broke away from the kiss, and Ulquiorra almost whined. He didn’t want him to pull back like that, he wanted more.

“You like being touched there?”

“Yes,” he answered, a bit breathless.

“Am I allowed to use my mouth there too?”

Ulquiorra’s eyes widened slightly. “Yes,” he answered quickly. He really wanted that.

“Then are you okay removing your shirt?”

Ulquiorra didn’t answer, instead he did just that, quickly getting out of his shirt and throwing it aside. Yes, he was eager, and he knew that hiding that fact would be incredibly dumb. He was pretty sure Grimmjow enjoyed seeing how much he wanted to do this too. It couldn’t be a good feeling to be with someone who tried to hide that, or who didn’t really show any form of want to what was going on.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Grimmjow whispered and kissed him. There was a hint of desperation in the kiss. Then he moved on. Kissing down his neck, over his collar bones, which was nice, he made sure to let Grimmjow know that. Then to his chest, which he didn’t care all that much for, and did let Grimmjow know this too, so he didn’t longer there for long before moving down to his stomach, placing open mouth kisses and playful bites as he went down. It felt so good, and he couldn’t help the sounds he was making now. “Hmmm, really sensitive here, aren’t we?”

He continued down, reaching his hips now. Grimmjow didn’t try to go under his pants, not for now at least, so Ulquiorra decided to make sure he knew he was fine with that area being touched too by undoing his pants. His hands were trembling slightly, so Grimmjow stopped him with a gentle touch.

“Ever been this horny before?” Grimmjow asked with a smile, and decided to undo his pants for him, and pulled them, and his underwear down, in one go.

“N-no. I haven’t. Want to help me out with this?”

“I’d love to,” he purred as he looked Ulquiorra over. That was a look he hadn’t seen on Grimmjow’s face before. It was dark, hungry. He appeared to be enjoying what he saw, which was good, would have been a pity if he didn’t like what Ulquiorra looked like naked. “Not shy at all, I see.”

“No. Should I be?”

“Nah. Just commenting since many people are a bit shy at first, it’s good to see that you feel so safe with me that you feel no need to hide, since man are you a nice view.”

“I will make sure you get to see this a lot more often then.”

“Fuck yeah.” It sounded like a deep growl. He leaned down over Ulquiorra again and went for his neck, a bit rougher than before. Ulquiorra let out a breathy moan. “Hmm, you like it rough?”

“I think so. Keep going.”

He appeared to like it rough, since the slight pain that came with the pleasure was so incredibly nice. Guess he was a bit of a masochist then. He would have to talk to Grimmjow about that later, but it couldn’t be a bad thing, as long as everything was done responsibly. Those thoughts were quickly pushed aside as fingers wrapped around his erection. He gasped and wrapped his arms tightly around Grimmjow, clinging to him.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes. Please continue.”

Part of him was a bit annoyed by the pauses Grimmjow took to check up on him, his usual patience was gone right now, his body was so incredibly desperate for release, but he knew that when this was over he would be incredibly thankful that Grimmjow cared enough to check that he was fine.

The fingers started to stroke up and down his cock. He couldn’t remember the last time he had touched himself, so this was very overwhelming to him. Right now he wasn’t fully aware how he was digging his nails into Grimmjow’s back, and he was pretty much gasping for breath. He didn’t manage to last for more than a minute. During the climax he had completely forgotten how to breathe, so when it was over he was gasping as if he had been running a marathon.

“I honestly didn’t think you would dare to go this far today,” Grimmjow smiled and lay down next to him and pulled him close. “I’m really proud of you, and that there was hot as fuck.”

“My apologies for not lasti-”

“No apologizing. Dude, the first time I had sex I lasted for maybe half a minute. It was just so new and exciting,” Grimmjow chuckled. “You did really good.”

“I don’t think I really did anything.” He had just been laying there.

“You communicated, and that is a lot. I have to put my trust in you, that you will let me know if something is wrong or not good, and also when something is good, and you did that really well, so my job became incredibly easy, and you made it so much easier for me to feel at ease and safe, I didn’t have to worry that something might be wrong since I couldn’t constantly look up to see your face.”

He hadn’t really thought of that, but yes, communication was important, and from what he had guessed, it would only become more important as they continued.


	21. Looking back

Ulquiorra let out a low hum, letting Grimmjow know that he was enjoying the way he was playing with his hair right now.

“Morning to you too, been a while since I was the one to wake up first,” Grimmjow said, and Ulquiorra could hear that he was smiling. He didn’t respond. Instead he moved a bit closer, one arm wrapped around his boyfriend. “Feeling good, or?”

“I feel fine,” Ulquiorra mumbled in response.

They were silent for a few minutes, until Ulquiorra decided he wanted to get up. Something Grimmjow clearly didn’t approve of as he made a annoyed whine. To make up for it Ulquiorra leaned over him and placed a quick kiss on his lips and then got out of bed before Grimmjow could do anything to keep him there.

A quick shower and then he got out he saw that Grimmjow was still being lazy in bed. Well, it was weekend, so he wasn’t going to complain. He snatched up one of his zip hoddies and put it on on top of the t-shirt he was wearing. Just as his hands emerged from the sleeves of the jacket his eyes fell on the scars that were on his wrist. He wasn’t sure why this had suddenly caught his attention. Most days he forgot they were there, but there were moments like these where he was suddenly reminded of what he had done.

“Hey.”

Ulquiorra looked up. He had been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed that Grimmjow had gotten out of bed and walked over to him. A gentle hand was placed on the shorter male’s cheek.

“Uh?” That was the only sound Ulquiorra made.

“You okay there?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes, I think so.” He paused. “Just suddenly reminded of when I did this to myself.” He looked back down at his wrists.

“Yeah, that was one hell of an evening,” Grimmjow sighed.

They stood there in silence for a moment. Grimmjow’s hand moving from Ulquiorra’s cheek to take one of his hands. Ulquiorra watched as Grimmjow brought the pale hand up to his lips and place a light kiss on the scar on his wrist. It was such a small gesture, and yet it felt like a lot more, it felt so much more intimate than it might have looked to someone else.

“You’re not alone anymore,” Grimmjow said. Ulquiorra knew this, but it still felt nice to hear those words.

“I know,” Ulquiorra replied, his voice barely above a whisper. “Get dressed, I will make breakfast.” With that, he pulled back and headed towards the kitchen, which was thankfully empty. He might be used to the others here now, but he still preferred to be alone.

The whole day he found himself lost in thought, reflecting over how his situation had changed over the past months. He hadn’t really done that yet, he had just gone along with the changes, never truly stopped to look at them. His life had truly been turned on its head. In just a few months he had gone from feeling completely alone, avoiding everyone, harming himself, barely eating, and never leaving his room to… this. Had someone told him that he would get a boyfriend and actually feel better back then, he would not have believed them, and even now it was almost hard to believe that this was actually real.

He snapped back to reality when an arm was wrapped around him. Grimmjow was pulling him close, and there was a concerned look on his face.

“You’ve been very distant today, everything okay?”

“I’ve been reflecting,” Ulquiorra replied. “So much has changed these past months.”

“Yeah, you’ve made a fuckload of progress.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“So you’re just kind of looking back at that progress, seeing how far you’ve come?”

Ulquiorra nodded. That was also one way to put it. Recovering or improving was not like walking along a road, it was more like climbing a really tall mountains. Sometimes it would get hard, almost impossible, other times it was ridiculously easy and you questioned what was so hard about it. Then sometimes you were barely hanging on, or even falling down, losing progress, and that was the hardest of all. He feared that happening, but he thankfully had a strong support network. So for now he hadn’t really had any serious setbacks.

“Yes. It feels strange… I don’t really recognize the person I was months ago,” Ulquiorra admitted.

“That might be a good thing. You’re not him anymore, and I’m happy you’re not. Was scared as fuck back then,” Grimmjow hummed and placed a kiss on the side of your head.

“I’m sorry for putting you through that… but I’m far from healthy yet, and I doubt I will ever become fully well.” He hoped Grimmjow was aware of that.

“Don’t apologize,” Grimmjow huffed and placed a light kiss on his lips. “Yeah, I know, if you think that’s going to make me leave you then you’re wrong. I’m staying.”

Ulquiorra smiled slightly. “I hope you won’t regret that decision.”

“I won’t,” Grimmjow responded with the biggest grin he could manage.


	22. Back to the party

Ulquiorra looked over at Grimmjow with a questioning expression. He had been staring at his phone with a frown for almost a minute now.

“Everything okay?” he asked and leaned back in his computer chair.

“Yeeah… um… there’s party coming up this weekend, and... they want me to drop by,” Grimmjow continued to stare at the screen as he spoke.

“Do you want to go?”

“I kind of do… I miss hanging out with friends. Parties are fun… but… you know.” That last part was said with a sigh.

Ulquiorra got up and walked over to him and gently cupped his face. He could feel Grimmjow lean into the touch. This was not easy for him, he knew that.

“Is it a big party?” Ulquiorra asked.

“No, just a small one, and it’s not in an apartment, so if something was to happen it would be easier to get out.”

“Nothing is going to happen. What you experienced was so rare it was aired on international news. It’s not going to happen again, but I know it’s hard to think like that when the fear is still there.” Ulquiorra paused. “I can come with you if that helps.”

Grimmjow stared at him for a while. “You.. at a party?”

“We’ll be the most dysfunctional duo there. You with PTSD, and me with severe social anxiety,” Ulquiorra replied. He really did not like the thought of going to that party, but he was willing to do it for Grimmjow.

A small smile spread across Grimmjow’s lips and he leaned down to place a light kiss on Ulquiorra’s lips. “Okay, just let me know if it becomes too much for you, deal?”

“The same goes for you,” Ulquiorra replied.

Another kiss and Ulquiorra stepped back and returned to his computer while Grimmjow typed away on his phone. Looks like they were going to a party now. Ulquiorra was not really looking forward to it, and for the rest of the week he was dealing with more anxiety than usual, and Grimmjow had asked him twice if he wanted them to just say no, and not go. While Ukitake had said it was good that he was trying to challenge himself, but that he should not push himself too far as it could have a negative effect.

Then it was the evening of the party. They could just walk to it as it wasn’t far from them, so at least they didn’t have to think about transportation.

“You ready?” Grimmjow asked. The party had already started, but Grimmjow preferred to show up about half an hour to an hour late.

“Yes.”

Ulquiorra shut his computer off and together they walked out over there and headed towards the party. Grimmjow had decided to take Ulquiorra’s hand as they walked, something Ulquiorra normally wasn’t all that comfortable with, but this once he decided to not pull away. Public display of affection was something he had been pretty good at avoiding, but he had no idea how that was going to change once they started drinking, especially since he knew Grimm could get a bit clingy when drunk.

They got to the house, and they could hear people talking loudly inside. Ulquiorra could feel his anxiety levels rise, and clearly Grimmjow was going through the same as he paused.

“I’m here with you,” Ulquiorra reminded him and squeezed his hand a bit tighter.

“And here I thought it was my job to support you,” Grimmjow chuckled.

“It goes both ways, that’s how a relationship works.”

Grimmjow nodded at that response. “Yeah… yeah, you’re right.”

They continued forward and Grimmjow walked up to the door and knocked. It only took a second for it to open and they stepped inside. Jackets and shoes off and Grimmjow was quick to take Ulquiorra’s hand again before they walked into the room where the other people were gathered.

There was cheering when Grimmjow appeared. Oh, the others on Grimmjow’s team, and their girlfriends, those who had girlfriends. Yes, this was a party Ulquiorra did not belong in, and it had been a long time since he had felt this uncomfortable.

“That’s your boyfriend, right?” one of the guys called out and Ulquiorra suddenly felt like there were several spotlights on him, which caused him to freeze up. Run. He wanted to run.

“Yes, he is,” Grimmjow replied and wrapped an arm around Ulquiorra, giving him something else to focus on rather than people staring at him, and he could see a couple of the girls whispering to each other. Oh boy, this was really starting to look like a frat party of some sort… He did not like it, not one bit, and he was already looking forward to when they could go home, but he was going to try to stay for as long as Grimmjow wanted to be here.

They took a seat on the couch, and Grimmjow kept an arm wrapped around him. There were conversations, but he didn’t keep track, he knew it was partly dissociating right now. It was all background noise, but he did snap back into reality when a beer was held in front of him.

“Thanks,” he said and took it.

“I thought gays only drank those fancy drinks,” one of the guys on the other couch commented.

“Fuck off,” Grimmjow replied. There were laughter, though Grimmjow was not one of the ones laughing at that. Ulquiorra didn’t see what was so funny, all that comment did was make him even more uncomfortable.

He took a sip. It was okay. He preferred other brands of beer, but this was drinkable. More talking, but he didn’t really follow the conversations. He just kept drinking that beer, and keep his main focus on the arm that was still wrapped around him. It was really the only thing keeping him grounded right now.

Grimmjow appeared to be doing okay, he had been anxious before they stepped into this house, but now that anxiety had been left outside, or he was doing an incredible job of hiding it. Ulquiorra on the other hand was getting worse and worse by the minute.

He needed air, this place was suffocating him.

“I’m heading out for a bit,” Ulquiorra said quietly and placed the beer on the table and got up and decided to walk out on the patio, just to make sure that Grimmjow knew he wasn’t fleeing.

With the door closed behind himself he could finally breathe properly. Oh this was really testing him, really pushing him outside of his comfort zone, but he could do it. If it really became too much then he would let Grimmjow know.

The door behind him slid open, and Ulquiorra turned slightly. He had assumed it had been Grimmjow who had appeared to check on him… but it was not. It was one of those girls. They really all looked like they had been made in the same factory. Same dress style, same hairstyle, the only difference was that some had a different hair color or skin tone.

“Honestly, like… you don’t even look like someone Grimmjow would want to be with. Like… you know… you’re…” she made a vague hand gesture towards him.

At that moment it was like a switch turned inside of him. Anxiety was locked behind a door, and all his defenses were up.

“I’m?” he asked coldly.

“You know,” she whined and rolled her eyes.

“I don’t, I’m not a mind reader.”

“First of all, you’re so freaking pale, like, have you ever seen the sun? Also, you’re like so small and skinny, and your hair… like what even is that haircut?”

“I can feel my brain cells dying just listening to you,” Ulquiorra replied, his expression completely deadpan. “Anything else?”

“That’s fucking rude to say,” she huffed and rolled her eyes.

“As if what you said was any nicer.”

She just made a face at him, which was honestly a bit amusing. What was that, and why did these types of girls do that?

“He’s like, super handsome, and hot, and really good in bed, so I just think it’s like so weird, like super weird, that he decided to be with someone who is so far below him.”

“Oh I do like being below him,” Ulquiorra decided to quickly say, just because he could. He didn’t care if he was lying right now, he was just trying to get a reaction out of her and hopefully say something that would make her leave.

She made a disgusted face. Perfect. “And he actually likes fucking you? That’s kind of gross.”

“Not as gross as you apparently, since you’re not with him.” This had to be the stupidest argument he had been stuck in, and he really had to find a way out soon.

“I already have a boyfriend.”

“I feel sorry for him, and then why are you complaining about me being with Grimmjow?” Ulquiorra sighed.

“What the fuck?!” She was clearly very offended by that. “I give the best blowjobs around, so you have no reason to feel sorry for him.”

“Uh-uh…” Right, so where was she going with this.

“You can ask anyone, and they can confirm it, even your boyfriend,” she added.

“Honestly, I think they mostly want you to suck dick since that will keep you quiet. Your mouth clearly should not be used for talking.”

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” she screamed and whirled around and walked away… crying. Okay.

Ulquiorra took a deep breath. With her gone anxiety decided to return, and it was like a tidal flood rushing over him. His whole body was trembling, and it was hard to breath. He didn’t even notice that Grimmjow was quickly making his way over to him.

“The fuck happened?” he asked quietly, then clearly noticed the state Ulquiorra and was quick to wrap his arms around Ulquiorra and held him tight. “I’m here, I’m here, just follow my breathing, okay.”

Ulquiorra gripped hold of him tightly, his face buried against his chest as he tried to breathe calmly, but it took a while for him to calm down enough to speak properly.

“What happened?” Grimmjow asked again.

“Oh you know… people still being jealous that I’m with you, and she couldn’t deal with the comments coming back at her,” Ulquiorra said. He was still not letting go of Grimmjow.

“Fucking hell,” Grimmjow hissed. “I’m impressed you talked back at her, people usually doesn’t do that. She has her crew of loyal little bimbos, and a dad who pays for everything for her, so she is not used to resistance.”

“Should have been a lot meaner to her then,” Ulquiorra sighed, and Grimmjow laughed a bit at that response.

“That would have been a fucking sight to see. What did you tell her?”

“That guys probably liked her blowjobs since it would shut her up.”

“Ouch,” Grimmjow laughed, and moved his hands so that he they were on Ulquiorra’s face instead, cupping his cheeks and making Ulquiorra look up at him. “Want to head home?”

“Yeah, I would like that very much.”

Grimmjow smiled softly at him. “Wasn’t that fun of a party after all,” he shrugged and stepped back inside. “Just go and get ready, I’ll let the others know we’re leaving.”

Ulquiorra nodded and went to the entrance hall and found his shoes and jacket. He could hear someone booing in the background, the news of Grimmjow leaving was not received well then.

It didn’t take long before Grimmjow joined up with Ulquiorra and got ready to leave. In the background Ulquiorra could hear others call for Grimmjow to come back, but Grimmjow ignored it, and soon enough they had left the house.

“I remember parties with them being a lot more fun,” Grimmjow commented, he had decided to take Ulquiorra’s hand this time too as they walked. “Maybe you’ve somehow managed to tame me.”

“My apologies for that.”

“Nah, don’t be. I think I would prefer a quiet evening with you rather than a big party,” Grimmjow grinned. “Might see if partying is still fun with a few of the other people I know, but… I don’t know if it will be.”

Ulquiorra didn’t say anything, but he was very, very sure that this had more to do with what he had experienced rather than him. A big party would never be really fun again once a traumatic experience was connected with it.

They got home and decided to play video games for a bit, which had started out fine, until Ulquiorra decided he was going to make it very, very hard for Grimmjow to win, and since he couldn’t win, he decided to use dirty tricks to try to throw Ulquiorra off of his game. Kisses, touches, just trying to be a real distraction, and though it didn’t make Ulquiorra lose the game, it was most certainly turning him on.

“Grimmjow!” Ulquiorra used a elbow to try to nudge Grimmjow away from him as he had decided to lean in and kiss his neck, catching him off guard. Sadly, it didn’t exactly work the way Grimmjow had intended, as Ulquiorra decided to knock his character out of the stage while Grimmjow was looking away.

“Aw come on!” Grimmjow complained, but decided to try again, this time not simply kissing Ulquiorra’s neck, but also playfully biting. A soft gasp came from Ulquiorra and his focus was immediately on Grimmjow. One hand placed at the back of Grimmjow’s neck to keep him there, encouraging him to continue.

The game was pretty much forgotten now as Ulquiorra had placed his controller away, and Grimmjow was very much busy with Ulquiorra’s neck. The hand at the back of Grimmjow’s neck moved to grip his hair instead, and pulled him back just so that Ulquiorra could kiss him properly. It was heated, tongue immediately involved, and hands touching each other’s clothed body, but soon enough Ulquiorra found his shirt removed, and Grimmjow’s shirt disappeared soon after.

Their lips met once more and Ulquiorra found himself on his back on the couch with Grimmjow on top of him. These situations were just happening more and more often now, both as Ulquiorra was getting more comfortable with his own sexuality, but also as he was getting more and more comfortable with Grimmjow. Never in his life would he have thought he would have been this interested in being sexually active, or doing anything like this with anyone before he got together with Grimmjow. This was almost absurd.

Grimmjow broke away from the kiss when he felt Ulquiorra undo his jeans. “Something down there you want?” he purred and decided to move to Ulquiorra’s neck. They hadn’t had sex yet, but here had been some handjobs and fingering.

“Yes,” he whispered and with some help from Grimmjow they managed to remove Grimmjow’s pants and underwear. Grimmjow had been about to kiss him once more when Ulquiorra pushed at his chest. “Sit up,” he whispered and Grimmjow did as he was told.

“What are you…?” the question died on Grimmjow’s tongue as Ulquiorra wrapped his fingers around the base of Grimmjow’s cock and decided to lean down, and had been about to take his boyfriend’s cock into his mouth when Grimmjow stopped him by gripping his hair. “It’ll be easier to do that if you’re sitting on the floor between my legs, and I will get a much better view then.”

Ulquiorra looked up at him and was met by a wide smile. “I suppose you’re right,” he hummed and did as Grimmjow had suggested.

Grimmjow’s fingers were still in his hair, keeping it away from his face as Ulquiorra took the head of the cock into his mouth. It felt a bit weird, and tasted a bit strange because of the precum. His tongue moved over the tip, and he sucked gently on it. Grimmjow let out a long shaky sigh, and Ulquiorra found himself looking up to watch his reaction.

“Fuck you’re hot… just take your time with that,” Grimmjow groaned.

Ulquiorra took in a few more inches with ease, but paused when he got to the point where he might start to gag, and decided to not take in more, for now. Slowly he moved up and down over Grimmjow’s length, using his tongue as much as he could, especially when it was mostly just the head left in his mouth. Grimmjow was making low sounds, and whispering encouragements to him.

Now, let’s see if he could take in the whole length, before his jaw started to hurt, since Grimmjow had a bit of girth and that was really a bigger issue than his length. Eyes closed and he slowed down when he had taken in as much as he could without gagging. Just focus, relax, and control those gag reflexes, he knew he could, but he hadn’t exactly tried while he had something like this in his mouth.

“Fuck… Ulquiorra,” Grimmjow hissed as he watched Ulquiorra slowly take in the rest, now managing to take his whole length. It wasn’t comfortable, at all, but he could deal with it, but he could tell that if he moved fast he could probably hurt himself or gag, so he took it slow as he moved up and down. “Damn…” Grimmjow groaned, and Ulquiorra just hummed in response, which did draw another louder groan from Grimmjow. Okay, so that felt good?

Sadly, he could only keep this going for another minute before he had to pull back since his jaw was not dealing with this. It did really bother him that he had not managed to make Grimmjow cum, so he wasn’t too happy with his own performance.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked, his breathing heavy.

“Sore jaw,” Ulquiorra sighed.

Grimmjow smiled and the hand that had been in Ulquiorra’s hair moved to his cheek. “You did really fucking well.”

“I didn’t make you cum.”

“I don’t think anyone has ever made me cum from a blowjob alone,” Grimmjow chuckled.

Well, that did make him feel a bit better about that. He got up and sat back on the couch next to Grimmjow and Grimmjow wasted no time going for Ulquiorra’s neck. So, clearly, he hadn’t ruined the mood. Good. He had been a bit worried about that.

Ulquiorra felt one of his hands being guided over to Grimmjow’s still rock hard cock, and knew what it was he wanted. He took a moment to just lightly run his fingers over it, and then proceeded to wrap his fingers around the base and started to stroke. Grimmjow was moaning against Ulquiorra’s neck now. The hands that had been busy caressing the naked skin of his upper body had stopped and were now on Ulquiorra’s thighs instead.

“You’re doing good,” Grimmjow whispered.

Ulquiorra kept stroking, running his hand along the length of Grimmjow’s erection, and for a moment thinking that at some point this thick cock was going to be inside of him. He really couldn’t imagine what that would feel like, but he really did hope he would like it.

“Close,” Grimmjow managed, and he really had been close since a couple of seconds later he came, and that really made a mess

Grimmjow pulled away from Ulquiorra and decided to lean against the couch instead while Ulquiorra took a moment to look down at his hand. Yeah, that was a lot of cum. For a moment he just looked at it, then curiosity decided to strike and he brought the hand to his mouth and licked off some of it. It tasted strange, but that he could deal with. What he did not like was the texture of it.

When he looked up he realized that Grimmjow was staring at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“I did not expect you to try and taste it. That was honestly really hot.”

“Oh…” he looked at his hand again. He could make a show out of licking the rest off, but he honestly didn’t want more of that in his mouth, so instead he got up, and walked into the bathroom to clean up.

“Get over to the bed, I’m going to have some fun with you,” Grimmjow commanded when Ulquiorra stepped out of the bathroom. Shivers ran up his back at the tone Grimmjow was using.

“What are you planning?” Ulquiorra asked as the other walked past him, heading into the bathroom to clean himself up.

“To make you feel really good,” was the answer and a toothy grin before the door closed.

Ulquiorra stood there for a moment and then walked over to the bed and sat down in it. It didn’t take long before Grimmjow returned, and he was clearly not planning to get dressed anytime soon as he walked straight over to the bed and gently pressed a hand against Ulquiorra’s chest to make him lay down.

“I’m not ready for sex,” Ulquiorra found himself saying. He had no idea what Grimmjow was planning, so for all he knew that’s what had been on his mind… even if he had just cum a minute ago.

“Thanks for telling me,” Grimmjow smiled and kissed him.

Hands caressing the soft skin of his upper body and stomach, not trying to remove the rest of his clothes just yet. Grimmjow’s lips moved from Ulquiorra’s mouth to his neck. This time he wasn’t as gentle with the way he used his teeth on that sensitive area, but Ulquiorra liked it, and Grimmjow was very aware of that.

Ulquiorra was now back to how aroused he had been while giving Grimmjow that blowjob, and was about to surpass it as Grimmjow continued to work him up. Now even gently running his fingers over Ulquiorra’s clothed erection, just to be a horrible tease.

“Want to get rid of those clothes?” Grimmjow purred against his boyfriend’s neck.

“Yes,” Ulquiorra breathe. It was uncomfortable to wear now, too tight.

Grimmjow sat up and was quick to get rid of the rest of Ulquiorra’s clothes, and then for a moment just sat between Ulquiorra’s legs and took in the view before him. It was strange be looked at this way, but there was something about being seen Ulquiorra found that he really, really liked, and because of that he said something he never thought he would.

“If you want to take a picture, then you’re free to do so.”

“You serious?!” Grimmjow exclaimed, his eyes wide with surprise.

“I am.” He doubted Grimmjow was going to post it anywhere, so he felt safe letting Grimmjow do so.

“Fuck…” he hissed, and Ulquiorra smiled slightly at that reaction. Looks like he was pushing a few of Grimmjow’s buttons.

Grimmjow jumped up and quickly fetched his phone and then returned to the bed, sitting down between Ulquiorra’s legs once more. “You’re completely sure about this?”

“I am, as long as you’ll delete them if I have any regrets in the future.”

“Deal.”

It was odd, but also very arousing, to know that Grimmjow was now taking photos of him in such a compromising position, and he was leaving it to Grimmjow to do what he wanted with them. Once Grimmjow figured he was done he placed the phone away, clearly in a hurry to move along now as he didn’t even place the phone properly on the nightstand so when he leaned down to kiss Ulquiorra once more Ulquiorra could hear the phone fall to the floor.

“Ugh, I’ll leave it there,” Grimmjow growled, not planning to break away from what he was doing.

He was slowly kissing down Ulquiorra’s body, making sure to also playfully bite the soft skin every now and then, and at Ulquiorra’s request was biting hard enough to leave very visible bite marks. He completely ignored Ulquiorra’s erection when he got that far down and instead decided to kiss his inner thighs before sitting up. Ulquiorra was breathing harshly now, his chest moving with every breath he was taking, and he was really struggling to fight the urge to touch himself just to get some relief since Grimmjow was such a tease right now.

“Think you're in the mood for a couple of fingers?” Grimmjow asked and sent Ulquiorra a heated look. Oh he was aroused again, Ulquiorra could tell that much.

“Yes,” he breathe. He really wanted that right now. After they had looked up the toys online Grimmjow had gone out to buy lube and condoms, just to be ready for when Ulquiorra wanted to take this further. A few of the toys they had ordered had also arrived, but Grimmjow wanted to open them once all of it was here.

Grimmjow grinned and reached out for the nightstand and opened the top drawer and snatched up the lube. “If you change your mind or feel any pain let me know, okay?” Grimmjow said softly and kissed Ulquiorra after he got a ‘I promise’ as a response. The kiss was about as soft as the way he had been speaking. Ulquiorra found himself wondering if Grimmjow had been this caring and attentive with everyone he had slept with previously. It didn’t bother him that Grimmjow had slept with countless people before him, or that he himself had no experience whatsoever when it came to sex. He didn’t worry Grimmjow was going to compare him to anyone either.

A muffled sound came from him when he felt Grimmjow’s fingers against his entrance. They felt like they were slick, so Grimmjow must have managed to cover them in lube without Ulquiorra noticing.

For a second Grimmjow broke the kiss to whisper: “Just relax, keep your muscles relaxed.” That had been a slight issue before.

Ulquiorra was doing his best to do as instructed, but it was still not easy, even if the kisses really helped. Whenever one of Grimmjow’s fingers pushed slightly against his entrance he would tense up a bit. It annoyed him since it was an involuntary reaction. Thankfully Grimmjow was more than patient enough to deal with this. So he didn’t try to force his fingers inside of Ulquiorra.

After a minute or so he managed to stay relaxed even when he felt a finger push against his entrance, almost about to enter. “You’re doing good,” he heard Grimmjow whisper, and at that moment he felt one of his digits slowly enter him. A low gasp came from him, it was a strange sensation, but he liked it. “You okay?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes.”

He felt him move in and out of him, and it didn’t take long for him to get used and properly relax while he was doing so, and he found himself wondering why he had struggled to do that previously.

“Think you can handle more?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes.”

A pleased hum came from him and within a second Ulquiorra felt a second finger enter. Now this he really felt, and for a moment he had to fight the instinct to tighten his muscles, but he somehow managed to stay relaxed, and once he grew used to this he realized how much better this felt.

“You’re doing really good,” Grimmjow purred.

Then instead of just going in and out of him, it felt like he was doing something else, but he couldn’t completely explain what. Was he brushing his fingers against his inside? Was that what he was feeling? A sudden jolt of pleasure rushed through him, drawing a surprised gasp out of him. This was new!

“Found it~” Grimmjow sounded so pleased with himself.

The fingers decided to stay in that area, and he more they massaged it, the better it felt. He was clinging to Grimmjow now, low moans coming from him with every exhale, together with words of encouragement, wanting Grimmjow to keep going. That was when a thought hit him and he found himself reaching down to grip Grimmjow’s wrist and he stopped immediately.

“Everything okay?” he asked, and Ulquiorra could see that he was concerned.

He nodded, but had to take a moment to just calm down a bit before he could speak. “You know how I said ‘no sex’... I change my mind.” He did want it, he really did.

Grimmjow looked at him for a moment and then proceeded to withdraw his fingers from within him. It almost looked like he needed to just take a moment to realize what it was Ulquiorra had told him, and once it really hit he was quick to reach for the nightstand again and fished out a condom.

“Eager,” Ulquiorra commented as he watched Grimmjow open the pack and with ease apply the condom.

“How can I not be?” he grinned. “I’ve been fantasizing about this for fucking months.”

“Hmm, good thing some dreams do come true then,” Ulquiorra hummed.

Once the condom was on Grimmjow decided to spread a bit more lube on top, then he shifted his position and Ulquiorra could feel the tip of Grimmjow’s cock against his entrance.

“You ready?” Grimmjow asked.

“Yes.”

Grimmjow slowly entered him, and that was very different from what those two fingers had been like. With Grimmjow having a bit more girth than average, he could feel himself getting stretched open, and at first it had not been all that comfortable, but he had decided to just focus on keeping his muscles relaxed so that it could not get any worse. He could feel Grimmjow inside of him, moving deeper until his whole length was inside.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked as he leaned over Ulquiorra and placed a light kiss at the corner of his lips.

“Give me a moment, you’re a bit thick,” Ulquiorra replied.

Grimmjow chuckled and kissed him again, properly this time. “So I’ve been told.”

Ulquiorra gave himself another minute, letting himself get properly used to this before telling Grimmjow that he could move. Just feeling him slowly pull out caused him to gasp, but what really drew sounds out of him was when Grimmjow thrusted back inside, for some reason when he did that his cock brushed heavily against his prostate, and once again he found himself clinging to Grimmjow.

“Fuck you’re tight,” Grimmjow groaned through clenched teeth.

Ulquiorra could feel one hand grip his hip tightly, as thought to keep him in place. Grimmjow picked up the pace slightly. Ulquiorra allowed himself to get completely lost in the sensations, the closeness, the sounds. Grimmjow’s mouth was right by his ear and he could so clearly hear the sounds he made, the gasps and groans and whines, like he was desperate for the pleasure being provided by this. Now and then Ulquiorra could hear his own name being spoken and it was far more erotic than he had thought it would be.

“Harder,” Ulquiorra found himself whispering, and Grimmjow immediately started to thrust harder. The grip he had on Ulquiorra’s hip was bruisingly hard, but Ulquiorra liked that. Don’t treat him like he was made out of glass, he could take this.

They were both growing louder, and Ulquiorra dug his short nails into Grimmjow’s back. He was so close now, but instead of letting Grimmjow know all he could do was moan. Grimmjow didn’t slow down when Ulquiorra came.

The orgasm was intense, and he didn’t realize until it was over that he had forgotten to breath for the duration of it, leaving him a panting mess with no energy left within his body. Oh that had been absolutely incredible.

He noticed that Grimmjow had stopped moving. “You.. done?” Ulquiorra asked.

“No, but it can be really uncomfortable for you if I keep thrusting right now so…” Grimmjow slowly started to pull out, and as he did so the girth caused him to brush against Ulquiorra’s now oversensitive prostate, and Ulquiorra could do nothing to withhold a groan. “Sorry,” Grimmjow sighed.

“No, don’t apologize, it’s good… You don’t have to pull out,” Ulquiorra replied. Yes, it hurt, but in a good way. Like a strange mix of pleasure and pain.

“You serious?”

“Yes.”

Grimmjow blinked at him for a minute and then slowly pushed back inside, drawing more sounds from Ulquiorra who was back to clinging to him. This was not something he had expected he would like. He supposed he was a bit of a masochist then.

Grimmjow was back to thrusting at a rather fast pace, going hard and deep, now focusing fully on his own pleasure, which Ulquiorra was more than fine with. Each movement Grimmjow made caused his cock to brush over that over sensitive area, sending wave after wave of that pleasurable pain through him. Then Grimmjow suddenly stopped, his cock pushed as far into Ulquiorra as he possibly could, and a deep guttural groan came from him.

Ulquiorra smiled slightly, and allowed his fingers to brush through Grimmjow’s hair as he felt him start to relax and pretty much just lay down on top of him while he was catching his breath. It was a comfortable weight to have on top of him.

“Fuck that was good,” Grimmjow sighed. He sounded so content.

“It was,” Ulquiorra agreed.

“Mmm~ Definitely something you would like to do again?”

“Absolutely.”

Grimmjow made a please noise at that answer.


	23. Fully Accepted

Ulquiorra slowly sat up in bed. Man what a night they had had. To think he had dared go that far, and been that comfortable with it, and enjoyed it to that degree. He was a bit surprised by himself, but glad he had managed to get this far, and now all he wanted to do was explore. Sex had been very much a closed room that he had just barely dared to peak into, until yesterday.

“Morning,” Grimmjow mumbled. Uquiorra didn’t respond, instead he leaned down and kissed him. A pleased sound came from Grimmjow and he wrapped an arm around Ulquiorra, only to flip the two of them around so that he was on top of the smaller male instead. “Think you’re up for a round right now, or is it too early for you?”

Ulquiorra huffed. “Trying to make up for all the time we didn’t have sex?” he teased.

“If that was the case then you would not get a chance to leave this bed,” Grimmjow chuckled and started to kiss Ulquiorra’s neck. One knee placed between Ulquiorra’s legs and he spread them without another hint being given, allowed Grimmjow get comfortable between them.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Ulquiorra whispered. “Would give us plenty of time to explore.”

Grimmjow looked up at him for a moment. “You’re really something,” he grinned and before Ulquiorra could say anything their lips met. Ulquiorra wrapped his arms around Grimmjow’s shoulders, fingers tangled in his messy blue hair and as he decided to see what happened if he tightened the grip he had on the blue strands he earned a surprised gasp from the other. The perfect moment to add tongue to the kiss.

From here on it got hot and heavy very quickly. Hands touching and exploring the other’s body, and Grimmjow appeared to be planning to make this foreplay last for a while since he was not letting Ulquiorra touch his cock, and he was not touching that area of Ulquiorra either.

“Tease,” Ulquiorra whispered against his mouth.

Grimmjow chuckled and moved on to Ulquiorra’s neck once more, biting down hard on the soft flesh, drawing a moan out of him. That slight pain felt so good. “Wanna take my time with you, that’s all.”

Ulquiorra was not going to complain about that. They had all day after all. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to melt under the soft touches and playful kisses. Grimmjow was slowly working his way down, kissing over Ulquiorra’s collar bone, then reached his chest and continued down, knowing that Ulquiorra didn’t really respond to touch in that area.

Each kiss, each lick, and each bite, sent a shiver through his whole being, and he was growing slightly impatient, but he wasn’t going to voice that impatience since this was really enjoyable.

Grimmjow bit down particularly harshly when he reached Ulquiorra’s hip, earning him a pleased groan. Then he sat up and reached for the nightboard stand to fetch a condom and lube… while also talking very casually.

“I’m going to pick up the last of those toys today, so then we can spend the rest of the day having fun with those. Doing some more experimenting.”

He had never heard of sex being like this. They were just talking casually, but that did not mean they were bored, far from it. To Ulquiorra it just meant that they weren’t trying to keep up an appearance, they were just being themselves, and he loves that.

“I like the sound of that,” Ulquiorra said, almost purred. He wanted to explore this, he wanted to see what he liked, and how he liked it. It was strange how incredibly interested he was in this… maybe he should talk to Ukitake about it, since he had no idea why he was like this, but it wasn’t causing harm to anyone so he wasn’t going to resist.

“I fucking love how eager you are,” Grimmjow grinned and ripped open the condom pack with his teeth and then proceeded to apply it before adding more lube. “Best thing in the world is to have an enthusiastic partner,” he added as he leaned over Ulquiorra and placed a quick kiss on his lips.

Ulquiorra wrapped his arms around him again, wanting to keep him close. He felt Grimmjow push his knees closer to his chest, and right now Ulquiorra was glad he could manage that with ease, no discomfort or anything, and he was sure Grimmjow was looking for a sign that he was in discomfort. Then he felt Grimmjow slowly enter him. Oh that was such a good feeling, it send shivers through his whole body and he moaned into the kiss.

Slowly Grimmjow pushed inside until his full length was inside Ulquiorra, and he decided to stay there for a moment, making sure Ulquiorra was fully ready for him to start thrusting.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Grimmjow groaned.

“So do you.”

Grimmjow smiled widely at that, and pressed his lips against Ulquiorra’s again. Ulquiorra could feel that he was still smiling for the duration of the kiss.

Then he started to move. Slowly pulling out of him and then thrusting back in. He was taking his time, shifting his position a bit now and then to see what would make Ulquiorra feel especially good.

“Like that,” Ulquiorra gasped. Oh that wonderful cock was just brushing perfectly against his prostate.

“Good boy,” Grimmjow growled, his voice deeper than usual and it was followed by another deep sound. He was really enjoying himself, despite the slow pace.

With each thrust Grimmjow’s cock was hitting just right, going deep and stimulating the right spots. It felt so good, and thanks to the slow pace, he would be able to last for a while. He allowed himself to get completely lost in the sensations and sounds, and just being this close and intimate with someone he cared this much for. Had someone knocked on the door he was sure he wouldn’t have noticed.

Ulquiorra gasped as Grimmjow suddenly decided to thrust a bit harder, then he paused as he sat up, one hand on Ulquiorra’s hip as he started to thrust again, harder now. The other hand was busy caressing the smaller male’s naked body, and his gaze slowly moving over the sight before him. There was something about being looked at while in a position like this that Ulquiorra just loved. Just keep looking Grimmjow.

The exploring hand moved over Ulquiorra’s throat, on its way up to his hair when Ulquiorra stopped him by wrapping his fingers around Grimmjow’s wrist.

“Keep your hand there,” he said.

Grimmjow only groaned in response, and started to move his hips a bit faster. His hand now held a secure grip around Ulquiorra’s throat, but not hard enough to prevent him from breathing. Why did he like this? He had no idea, he just liked what it felt like. To have someone’s hand there should be dangerous, and in a sense it did feel a bit dangerous, knowing Grimmjow could cause harm. However, if he had thought Grimmjow would actually cause harm then he would never have allowed him to place his hand there. He trusted Grimmjow.

Grimmjow was thrusting harder, faster, now aiming to get both of them off. The rough pace, the hand on his throat, and the eyes never leaving him, it was all just right for him.

“Cum for me,” Grimmjow said, and the words just sent shivers through Ulquiorra. “I want to see you cum.”

Ulquiorra didn’t respond, he was too busy making low moans and gasps. He was close, very close. Almost there. Just a little bit more. The hand around his throat tightened its grip slightly, and that did it. No warning was given as he came.

“Good boy.”

Grimmjow kept thrusting at the same rough pace, knowing that Ulquiorra enjoyed the overstimulation he would feel now that he was down from that high orgasm caused. And knowing this Grimmjow moved his hand away from Ulquiorra’s neck to instead play with his spent cock.

“Don’t,” Ulquiorra groaned and gripped Grimmjow’s wrist to stop him from touching. “It’s too much.” He could only take so much overstimulation at once.

Grimmjow did as told. Both hands on Ulquiorra’s hips now as he fully focused on getting himself to cum. It didn’t take long. The grip on Ulquiorra’s hips tightened, and the thrusts weren’t in a rhythm anymore, then he stopped, his cock as deep inside Ulquiorra as he could get.

“Best way to start the day,” Grimmjow said after letting out a long content sigh. He slowly pulled out of Ulquiorra. It felt strange, with Grimmjow’s cock not there he felt open, and he kind of liked that feeling. “Looks like I managed to make you gape a bit,” Grimmjow commented and then proceeded to discard the used condom.

“Mmm. It feels odd… in a good way,” Ulquiorra replied.

“I never expected you to be this wild in bed,” Grimmjow chuckled as he lay down next to Ulquiorra and pulled him close.

“That’s a weird word to use to describe me.”

“You’re kinky as hell, and we’ve just barely started to figure out what you like, and you’re enthusiastic and eager to do this. I will call that wild.” Grimmjow sounded so incredibly happy as he spoke. “Fuck you’re amazing.”

“We’ve had sex two times, is it not a bit early to say that I’m amazing?”

“Hell no!” Grimmjow hugged him a bit tighter.

“I don’t even do anything… So how can you say that I’m-”

“You either don’t see what you are doing, or you’re underestimating the things you do. You’re eager and enthusiastic, do you have any idea how fucking hot that is? To be with someone who clearly wants to be with you? You let me know what you like and don’t like, which is something surprisingly few people do. I don’t have to fucking guess what you like, you’ll just tell me, and the same goes for what you dislike. It’s fucking amazing to be able to fully trust you to let me know if something I do is right or wrong.”

“Oh. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” Why would you not tell your partner if they did something that caused discomfort to you? Or not let them know when they did something you liked? It sounded counter productive, maybe even harmful.

“It is, it really is,” Grimmjow sighed and pressed a kiss to Ulquiorra’s forehead. “And really fucking important since we’re already getting very close to BDSM territory, so I think we might need to talk about that”

BDSM. He knew sort of what it was, bondage, master and slave, masochist and sadist. Grimmjow had showed him some videos that involved that. Now that he thought about it, it made sense that communication would be important while engaging in things like this… and Ulquiorra had realized he was a bit of a masochist. Okay, he was kinkier than he had thought he was.

“I agree,” he replied, his eyes half closed now since Grimmjow had decided to start playing with his hair.

“So first of all, maybe safe words would be an idea, especially if we are going to do something heavier than this.”

“Isn’t ‘no’ enough?” Ulquiorra asked.

“For now, yeah, sure it is, but safe words are usually used since at times ignoring ‘no’ might be a part of it all.”

“I see.”

“I mean, if you’re not comfortable with that, then ‘no’ can be the safe word, that’s perfectly fine,” Grimmjow was quick to add.

Ulquiorra hummed and shifted a bit to place a light kiss on Grimmjow’s lips. “It’s fine, the thought of you just having your way with me regardless of what I want… it’s arousing.”

“Fuck,” Grimmjow hissed, and let out a shaky breath. It would take no time for him to grow hard again if they kept this conversation going. “Then we’ll definitely need a safe word or two.”

“So a word that tells you to stop and a word for…?”

“Slow down. Stop and slow down. It’s best if we pick words that will most likely never be used in bed, so that they’ll really easy to pick up on during the act.”

“Hmmm.” Ulquiorra thought for a moment. “Teacup for stop-” Grimmjow started to laugh at that suggestion. “What?”

“I mean, yes, that’s a really good suggestion, it’s just very cute,” Grimmjow chuckled and kissed Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra gave him the most unimpressed look he could manage. “New word for stop, ladybird.”

“Okay, that’s a bit better.”

“Wasp for ‘slow down.’”

“I feel like there’s a theme here I’m missing,” Grimmjow hummed.

“Ladybirds is a red bug. Wasp is a yellow bug.” Maybe he got the theme now.

“Traffic light bugs,” Grimmjow chuckled and kissed him again before sitting up. “Makes it easy to remember which one means what. Clever. Wanna take a shower before we make breakfast?”

Ulquiorra followed Grimmjow into the bathroom and together they stepped into the shower. More kisses where shared, and gentle touches. All of it non-sexual. It was nice to be touched like this, it felt good. Even with how long he had been with Grimmjow he still felt like his craving positive touch like this.

“Then there’s aftercare,” Grimmjow commented, his hands cupping Ulquiorra’s face.

“Hm?” That was something he hadn’t heard of.

“Aftercare is the care you show your partner after the act is done, especially if it has been physically or mentally taxing, and helps them get out of the headspace they were in previously,” Grimmjow explained.

“Okay?” He would need more explanation than that.

“Like… if there has been a roleplay element involved, or slave master or anything like that, it will help both parts get out of that role, and make sure the other is okay, especially make sure that the submissive is okay, both physically and mentally. If there has been anything painful involved then the dom will make sure that the sub is not seriously hurt. Aftercare usually consists of things like cuddling, positive talk, maybe help clean up like a bath or a shower, or get something to eat.”

“So… what we’re doing now, that would be aftercare?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Well… yeah. I mean, I want to make sure you’re okay after we’re done. Overstimulation can get pretty heavy, and having a hand on your throat that can be pretty heavy too, so I just need to make sure that it didn’t cause any lasting effect on you. You might have enjoyed it at the moment, but..”

Ulquiorra reached up and pulled Grimmjow into a kiss. “I understand, and thank you for caring.”

“I’m your boyfriend, would be kind of fucked up if I didn’t care about your well being.”

They got out of the shower and while drying their bodies Grimmjow had decided to playfully slap Ulquiorra’s ass, only to get a surprised moan in response. Ulquiorra knew Grimmjow had done that just to tease or annoy him, but that was not the response he got, instead they both stood there and looked at each other in surprise.

“You liked that?” Grimmjow asked, and wide grin spread across his face.

“Yes.”

“I swear, with the way this is going, I doubt just anyone would be able to handle you in bed.”

“Do you think you can handle me?”

“Hell yes.”

Ulquiorra smiled slightly at that response. Grimmjow looked so eager and excited. At first Ulquiorra had thought it was mainly because he finally got to have sex again, but this was a lot more. He was excited because he got to explore and discover things together with Ulquiorra, and as he had noticed this morning, this was a lot more than just sex. It really did make him wonder how anyone could enjoy one night stands.

They got dressed and went into the kitchen, and Grimmjow had immediately decided that he was going to make them pancakes, so Ulquiorra had decided to sit down by the table and just keep him company. Which also gave him time to think. He had just had sex, with another man, twice. Not only that, but he had enjoyed it, he wanted to do it again. Now that he was given time to really think about it the reality of it really hit him, and before he knew it had and been pulled into a hug.

“Hey, you okay?” Grimmjow asked softly.

He needed to take a moment before he could answer, his whole body was trembling and he realized now that he was crying. “Just… a lot to take in.”

“What is a lot to take in?”

“I had sex with you… and I enjoyed it.”

“And you find that hard to accept?” Grimmjow asked carefully.

“No… I don’t feel ashamed… at all.” And that was the most overwhelming part. No shame, nothing.

“That’s good,” Grimmjow whispered softly. It was.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him, like one of the chains that had been attached to him had disappeared. There was a sense of freedom to this realization, and that had been a lot to take in. A lot for him to deal with. He still knew he wouldn’t be perfectly comfortable with affection in public, but that didn’t have much to do with his sexuality and had more to do with the fact that he didn’t like public display of affection, from anyone. He didn’t even really like to see it.

Eventually he calmed down and Grimmjow let go of him. “You’ve come really far,” Grimmjow said with a grin. Ulquiorra could tell he was proud of him. 

A light kiss was placed on his lips and then Grimmjow turned back to the breakfast he had been making. Thankfully Grimmjow hadn’t come far enough to pour batter into the frying pan, so nothing was burning.

“I was thinking of the two of us heading out after this, get some stuff. We need food, and on the way back I’ll pick up the toys that has arrived at the post office,” Grimmjow said.

“Sure, I’ll come along,” Ulquiorra said with a slight shrug.

“The mall is one of the places we’ll be going.”

Ulquiorra hummed. Large place filled with people. He didn’t like it, he really didn’t, and he could feel anxious just thinking about going there. “I’ll hopefully be fine. If it becomes too much then I’ll wait in the car,” Ulquiorra replied.

“Glad to hear that,” Grimmjow said and placed a plate filled with pancakes in front of Ulquiorra and made sure to give him another kiss before going back to make the rest of the pancakes.

“Morning!”

Ulquiorra almost jumped when Orihime suddenly appeared. She looked as cheerful as always.

“Morning,” both Ulquiorra and Grimmjow replied and Grimmjow made sure to flash her a wide grin.

“Got any plans today?” she asked as she was making breakfast for herself, and as usual Ulquiorra really questioned what on earth she was making.

“Just some boyfriend stuff,” Grimmjow replied with a shrugged. That was one way of putting it.

“Good boyfriend stuff? Or serious boyfriend stuff?” Orihime asked. She really wasn’t going to ask what ‘boyfriend stuff’ meant. Ulquiorra was glad she didn’t.

“Good boyfriend stuff,” Grimmjow replied and took a seat on the opposite side of Ulquiorra and started to eat.

“Have fun then!” Orihime cheerfully said, and with that the conversation moved on to school related subjects. The first exams were scheduled for the end of next month. Man time had just flown by.

Breakfast was finished up and the two of them returned to their room while Orihime headed out, she was going to meet with a study group she was a part of to start preparing for the exams. Ulquiorra just sat on the couch while he waited for Grimmjow to be done fixing his hair so that they could go. It did take quite a bit of time, as usual, but Ulquiorra didn’t comment on it.

Out of the student housing they went and into Grimmjow’s car. First stop, the mall.

“So, if you’re comfortable with it, I was thinking we could go into the sex shop they have there,” Grimmjow said and sent Ulquiorra a short look.

“Sure,” Ulquiorra replied. He was at least going to try to enter a shop like that without getting too anxious. Grimmjow was with him, so he had someone there to keep him grounded if things became too hard for him. “Don’t we have enough toys?”

“Well, dildos and those sort of toys, yes, but they’ve got other stuff too.”

Now he was curious what Grimmjow was really planning, but he was going to wait and see. The mall wasn’t very far from them so the drive was only about ten minutes, and they were lucky they found somewhere to park rather quickly since this place was full.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked.

Ulquiorra took a deep breath and nodded. He could do this. The people weren’t here to judge him, he had to remember that. They were not all going to be staring at him, they were just here to do their thing. Buy stuff, meet friends and family… they were not going to just turn their attention to him the moment he appeared. He had to remember that. Some might look at him, but it was no different from the way he might look at people, it didn’t mean anything.

He kept telling himself that as the two of them stepped out of the car and headed towards the huge building ahead of them.

They entered and, as expected, was filled with people. All of them moving around towards their destinations, and for half a second Ulquiorra expected them all to stop and stare at him, but of course they didn’t. An arm was wrapped around his shoulders and Grimmjow guided him along.

“It’s fine, they don’t give a fuck about us, just look around at anything that is not them, tune them out, they aren’t important,” Grimmjow said quietly.

The touch was helping a lot, and he did as Grimmjow suggested. Instead of focusing on the other people he looked inside the stores, looking at what they were selling, and kept his focus there instead, and on his boyfriend of course.

First stop was a clothing store, since Grimmjow had decided he wanted new clothes, and for the duration of their stay there Ulquiorra had found himself a place to sit and play on his phone. From there they went to another store where Grimmjow needed to pick up some things for his hair. Ulquiorra didn’t really keep track with what he was using for his hair, but he knew Grimmjow was very particular about it.

Then they were by the sex shop.

“Think you can do this?” Grimmjow asked.

Ulquiorra didn’t reply, he simply walked inside and Grimmjow followed along. There were a couple of people in there, but Ulquiorra ignored them, they were here for the same reason as they were, so he was just going to pretend they weren’t there.

“Let me know if you need any help,” the lady by the counter said with a wide smile.

“Will do,” Grimmjow responded.

Ulquiorra walked around for a bit. Most of this was clearly directed towards straight couples, or single women. He ignored the toys that were there since with everything they had ordered, they had more than enough of that. Deeper inside he found himself in a section that caused him to pause. Well then.

Leather, latex, handcuffs, gags, blindfolds, various costumes, and so much more that he really wasn’t sure how you used. He had been too busy staring at the selection so when he felt something lightly tap his butt he jumped and whirled around. Grimmjow was standing there with a whip in his hands.

“Seeing anything you like?” Grimmjow asked, the grin on his face was almost predatory. It sent a shiver through Ulquiorra.

“You,” Ulquiorra replied bluntly, and that was apparently not the response Grimmjow had expected so he dropped the act for a moment and just stared at him. “And that whip,” he added.

“It might be a bit rough. I’ll find something that is not going to hurt as much. Gotta start easy, you know,” Grimmjow replied.

Ulquiorra only shrugged, but he supposed it was for the best, he had no idea where his limits were. He turned towards the wall filled with costumes, all of them very skimpy of course.

“You would look cute in a maid dress,” Grimmjow commented.

“You want me to crossdress?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Not if it would make you uncomfortable.”

“No, it wouldn’t, but I don’t think I want to wear any of these costumes in the nearest future… I guess most of them are meant to be part of some sort of roleplay.”

“Not necessarily.”

Ulquiorra hummed and turned away. Roleplaying could be fun, but he was not planning to try it anytime soon. They already had more than enough they were going to try, and now he was really noticing just how much there was, and things were going a bit fast. He could still deal with all of this, but he knew he might have to tell Grimmjow that they had to slow down soon.

He reached out and picked up a collar. Green and black.

“That would look pretty on you,” Grimmjow purred, he was right behind him now.

“I’m sure you can get custom made ones online,” Ulquiorra replied and put it back.

“So I could have my name on it,” Grimmjow added.

“Yes.”

There was a moment of silence. “You okay?” Grimmjow asked.

“I think this might be a bit much. There’s a lot here, and a lot I want to try, but I need to take one step at a time.”

“Agreed. If this is going too fast just let me know.”

Ulquiorra nodded.

They got out of there, Grimmjow did buy a few things, like more lube, and a few other items. Then they headed to the car and as they got into it Ulquiorra let out a long sigh. He was exhausted.

“You did really well,” Grimmjow said and reached out for him to caress his cheek.

“Thanks.” It had drained him, but he was glad that was done, and he had managed to get through it.

They drove to where they could pick up packages, since anything that couldn’t fit in your mailbox was sent to one place where you would later go to pick the things up. Ulquiorra decided to stay in the car while Grimmjow went and picked the things up, and he returned with several packages. Then it was off to the food store, another place where there would be a lot of people.

“Do you want to just stay here or?” Grimmjow asked. Ulquiorra shook his head. He was going to try to come along with him. He needed to properly get used to this. “Okay. Don’t push yourself too hard.” He knew Grimmjow was worried he would reach a mental limit, but for now he was confident he would be able to deal with this, despite the anxiety.

They got out of the car and into the store. Oh there was so many people here. He didn’t even realize he spent most of the time in there disassociating. Now and then he would get pulled back into the here and now, either because Grimmjow had said his name a couple of time or because he had placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay there?” Grimmjow asked as they got back into the car. “You were really spacing out at times.”

“Yeah.. I know, it might have been a bit much.”

Grimmjow sighed and reached out to gently take Ulquiorra’s hand. He didn’t say anything, but Ulquiorra could tell that Grimmjow was worried, and he was very sure the plans for the evening had changed. It didn’t bother Ulquiorra too much, they had all the time in the world to test out those toys.

They drove home and while Grimmjow was placing the food in the kitchen Ulquiorra carried the packages with toys into their room and placed them with the other unopened packages. Goodness how much had they bought?

“Want to open those now or later?”

Ulquiorra took a deep breath. If they started opening them now, then he knew where that would lead, and he was really too tired for that today. “Another day?” Ulquiorra suggested.

“Sounds good to me,” Grimmjow replied and made himself comfortable on the couch and gestured for Ulquiorra to come over to him, which he did, and he soon found himself pulled onto his lap and help close. “Just gonna take it easy for the rest of the day.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Ulquiorra sighed.


	24. Playtime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last of the pre-written chapters, so updates will be a lot slower now. I do however love writing on this fic and has a lot planned so don't worry. Updates might be slow, but they will definitely come.

Ulquiorra threw his phone to the foot of the bed and threw a pillow over it to muffle the alarm. He didn’t have time to answer the math riddle right now. Immediately he went back to kissing Grimmjow. Hands running up Ulquiorra’s thighs until they reached his ass and groped the soft flesh and spread them apart a bit. This make out had been going on for long enough. Ulquiorra sat up and reached for the nightstand to get lube and condom.

“So much energy in the morning,” Grimmjow grinned.

This was probably the fourth or fifth time they had sex in the morning, but usually it was slow, and not like this.

Ulquiorra only gave him a slight smile in return and moved a bit so that he could apply the condom to Grimmjow’s cock, and then add a bit more lube.

Sex happened at least once a day, and it really was divided equally who initiated it. For now they had only been doing so in bed, but with how comfortable Ulquiorra had become with this, it wouldn’t surprise him if they started having sex elsewhere too. Now he really wished they had a whole apartment to themselves, it would make everything a lot easier. Oh well.

He slowly lowered himself down onto Grimmjow’s cock, a pleased sigh slipping past his lips. It was such a good feeling. He just loved how Grimmjow felt inside of him. Feeling the long length fill him up, stretch him slightly. He loved it so much.

Ulquiorra started to move, riding his boyfriend at whatever pace he wanted to, until Grimmjow gripped his hips and decided to thrust up just as Ulquiorra moved down. A loud moan came from Ulquiorra at the sudden harshness.

“Keep doing that,” he whispered, his voice shaky.

Each time Ulquiorra moved down Grimmjow met him halfway by thrusting up into him. They were both growing louder with the second. Grimmjow’s grip on Ulquiorra’s hips were hard enough to cause bruises, and it did hurt a bit, but it felt good. Neither of them was trying to last for long, school was soon after all.

“Grimm.”

“Yeah.”

Ulquiorra came first, and Grimmjow was forced to stop for a few seconds before the thrusting continued, and Ulquiorra moved along with the thrusts. The overstimulation was so good, the painful pleasure that came each time Grimmjow’s cock brushed over his prostate. He loved it, but as they had realized, he couldn’t handle more overstimulation than this, and not over a long period of time, or for it to be too heavily focused on his prostate. Grimmjow had at one point decided to use his fingers to massage his prostate after Ulquiorra had cum, and that had been too much. Thankfully Ulquiorra had been quick to let him know and Grimmjow had respected it. No mood ruined or anything. They were experimenting and figuring out what they liked, and with that they sometimes made small mistakes.

Ulquiorra could tell that Grimmjow was close, very close. He continued to watch his boyfriend as he reached his climax. Eyes shut tight, brows drawn together, lips parted, and Ulquiorra could see how the muscles in his chest and shoulders tightened for a bit before relaxing and Grimmjow let out a long sigh.

Ulquiorra leaned down and kissed him before climbing off of him, and decided to sit next to him for a little bit.

“Shower?”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Grimmjow agreed and slowly sat up and removed the condom before getting out of bed. Ulquiorra followed along. The water was turned on and they waited for a moment for it to get warm. In the meantime Ulquiorra could feel Grimmjow looking him over. “Looks like you’re going to get some marks on your hips. Guess I gripped a bit too tightly.”

“That’s fine. I enjoyed it,” Ulquiorra replied. “I will wear whatever mark you leave on my skin with pride.”

Grimmjow smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Ulquiorra’s head, and then stepped into the shower and Ulquiorra stepped inside right after him. They didn’t stay in the shower for too long, they just needed to wash their bodies quickly. Then it was out of the shower, get dressed and make breakfast. Grimmjow made sure to sneak in a kiss here and there, and while he was waiting for the toasts to be done he had decided to hug Ulquiorra close and just hold him for a moment. It was nice. Really nice.

Then breakfast was over, and the two of them headed to school where they parted way, but kept texting.

Grimmjow: I was thinking of looking for an apartment for the two of us. No more student accommodation for you, and we’ll have a lot more privacy.

Ulquiorra smiled a bit to himself as he looked over the text. He had been thinking about the same time. It was something he wanted, he wanted to live together with Grimmjow. The thought of the two of them having a place of their own made his chest feel strange, and there was something similar to anxiety going through his body, but it wasn’t a bad type of anxiety. Actually, it might be the opposite of anxiety, like anxiety that spread energy through his body instead of making him feel awful. Adrenaline? This was such a strange sensation.

Ulquiorra: I like that plan.

Lunch, and Grimmjow was waiting outside of the auditorium he had been in and immediately wrapped an arm around him and guided him along.

“Think you’ll be able to deal with the cafeteria?” Grimmjow asked.

That was one place Ulquiorra always avoided. So many people in one place, just thinking about going there made him feel dizzy. But… one day he would have to go in there, and somehow figure out how to deal with that.

“I’ll try,” Ulquiorra said.

“Ichigo and Aizen wanted us to meet up there, I think Shinji and a couple of other people are also going to be there.”

“M-hm.” He didn’t really feel like talking now that he knew where they were heading. The closer they got the more anxious he felt, and the only thing keeping him remotely intact was Grimmjow’s hand that was wrapped around his midsection. It helped ground him, gave him something to focus on.

“It’s okay. No one in there gives a damn about you.”

“In another context that would have been a horrible thing to say.”

Grimmjow chuckled. “Yeah. Didn’t really think of that.”

They reached the door and Grimmjow pushed it open. There were so many people in there. And like always when Ulquiorra entered a place like this he expected them all to suddenly become silent and turn to look at him, but no one did. Except he could see Shinji in the distance wave at them. So, he was the only one who had really noticed them, and he was someone they already knew, so it didn’t really bother him.

“What do you want to eat?” Grimmjow asked.

“Um.” He looked over the menu for a moment. It was hard to think right now, but the line was long so they would be stuck here for a while, which should give him enough time to think clearly.

Grimmjow didn’t ask again, he just looked over the menu for half a second, and then looked to have figure out what it was he was going to get.

They eventually got to the font of the line so that they could order, and it had happened so fast Ulquiorra had barely noticed that they had moved. In fact, he didn’t remember them getting here at all. Well, he had to order right now.

“I’ll have the chicken burger,” Grimmjow said and then looked over at Ulquiorra.

“Um… pasta carbonara.” That was the only thing he remembered seeing on the menu, and thankfully it was something he did like so he wasn’t just ordering something that was completely inedible to him.

They paid and moved over to the waiting area and was soon enough handed what they had ordered and could go to sit by the people they knew.

“Ready for the finals to start up?” Shinji grinned. “Man, you’ll be done with your studies here then, right?”

“Uuugh, don’t fucking talk to me about it,” Grimmjow groaned.

“Sounds like he’ll need plenty of stress relief,” Szayel smirked and sent Ulquiorra a short look.

“If sex is a stress relief then I don’t think Grimmjow will know what stress is,” Ulquiorra replied, being far bolder than he usually would have, and that comment made Shinji choke on his food, and Ichigo cough as he had been drinking at the time, and Renji was just staring at Ulquiorra with wide eyes.

“My, sounds like the two of you are having plenty of fun,” Aizen commented with a slight smile.

“You’ve got no idea,” Grimmjow said with the widest grin.

Ulquiorra had turned his focus to his food, whatever energy he had had to socialize completely gone, so he was going to let Grimmjow do the talking. They stayed there until people were starting to leave to return to class, and Ulquiorra did the same once the room was almost empty.

The rest of the day passed by, and he was back home with Grimmjow and had just had dinner. He had been busy studying for a bit while Ulquiorra was in front of his computer playing a MMO.

“You know, you did really well being surrounded by so many people today,” Grimmjow commented.

“It was exhausting.”

“Yeah, but you did really well. Had I not known that you struggle with crowds then I wouldn’t have been able to guess that you were anxious at all.”

“I don’t know if I’m just getting better at hiding it, or if I’m getting more used to large groups of people.” Ulquiorra leaned back in his seat and looked over at Grimmjow.

“Let’s hope for the later.”

Grimmjow placed the book aside and got to his feet. First he walked over to Ulquiorra to place a kiss on his lips then he walked over to the unopened boxes they still had in the room.

“Wanna open a few of these and have a look?” Grimmjow asked.

Ulquiorra watched him and let out a low hum. He had almost opened a few of those the other day just because his interest in the content was growing with each and every day. When they had planned to opened them the first time he really hadn’t been ready for it, but now he was, now he was very ready, and very eager. He quit the game and walked over to the bed and sat down in the middle of it. The boxes were on the floor by the foot of the bed so it would be best to sit here while opening them.

“Yes. Maybe try a few of them too,” Ulquiorra said, and Grimmjow picked up one of the boxes and handed it over to him.

“You’re going to be a wreck by the end of the night then,” Grimmjow grinned and climbed into bed too and pressed a kiss against Ulquiorra’s lips.

The box was opened, and it was one of those dildos they had bought that looked like a creature cock, rather than a human cock. It was dark blue with a hint of purple at the tip, and when Ulquiorra picked it up he had expected it to be harder than it was. He brushed a finger over the ridges that was on one side of the cock. The whole dildo was slightly textured, almost like it was supposed to have scales, and the middle part of it was the widest, and Ulquiorra wondered if he would be able to manage that size inside of him.

“You’re already rock hard,” Grimmjow purred and kissed the side of his neck. Ulquiorra supposed it have been visible since he was wearing sweatpants instead of jeans today. “Want to try it?”

“I wonder if I can handle it.”

“Only one way to find out.”

Grimmjow took the toy out of his hands and pushed him onto his back, and while he reached out for lube Ulquiorra removed his pants, and underwear. The whole time he kept his eyes on that toy Grimmjow was holding. He really wanted to find out what it felt like inside of him.

Grimmjow covered it in lube, a generous amount, and then settled between Ulquiorra’s legs. “Just relax,” he smiled and leaned over Ulquiorra.

His breath hitched when he felt the toy push against his entrance, and then slowly enter. Oh he could feel those ridges, that texture, and it was stimulating his opening in a way he hadn’t felt before. It was really good.

Then he could feel himself getting stretched as it got to a part that was wider than what he was used to. Slowly the toy was pushed deeper, the widest area now inside of him, and those ridges were brushing over his prostate, drawing a moan out of him.

“You’re hot as fuck right now,” Grimmjow commented.

Ulquiorra didn’t say anything, his eyes closed and his focus was on the toy slowly moving inside of him. Grimmjow paused for a second and then started to slowly pull it out. Once more he could feel the widest part stretch him open, and this time Grimmjow decided to stop there.

“How does that feel?” he asked and as Ulquiorra looked at him he could see a smirk on his lips.

“Really good.”

“Sounds like you can handle a lot. No need to worry about some of the toys being a bit too big then.”

Grimmjow then proceeded to pull the toy all the way out, and Ulquiorra could tell from the strange sensation left that he was probably gaping a bit. Then the toy entered him again, and Grimmjow was moving a bit faster now. It felt so good. The way the toy stretched him each time it entered and exited, and the way it brushed over his prostate with ease.

Then Grimmjow decided to pull it out and place it aside. “Next toy.” Grimmjow had the widest grin on his face right now, and Ulquiorra only sent him a slight glare. Tease.

“Fine,” he said and sat up. He was so painfully aroused right now, and the pool of heat within him was just begging for him to do something so that he could climax, but he wasn’t going to.

Grimmjow reached over to the pile of boxes and picked up another one. Another sizable dildo, but this one was just very, very long.

“I wonder how much of that will fit inside of you,” Grimmjow smirked.

“Same.”

Grimmjow pushed Ulquiorra onto his back once more. Ulquiorra made himself comfortable as he watched Grimmjow lube this toy too.

“Ready?” Grimmjow asked, and Ulquiorra confirmed that he was. “Just let me know if there’s any discomfort, or anything, okay?”

“I promise.”

He could feel the toy enter him, and Grimmjow slowly pushed it deeper, and deeper, and deeper. How freaking long was it?! It felt like it was a lot longer than it had seemed before. He felt strange, but not in a bad way.

“You okay there?” Grimmjow asked. He had stopped pushing the toy inside now, and sounded slightly concerned.

“Yes, I’m fine. It felt a bit strange.”

“You’re entirely sure you’re fine?”

“Yes,” Ulquiorra replied.

“... Well, you can take a ton more than I expected.”

“Uh?”

“You just showed me that you could take that long freaking dildo with no problem.”

“Seriously?” The whole length was inside of him right now? The thought sent a shiver through him.

“Yeah.”

Then Grimmjow started to slowly pull the toy out, and Ulquiorra could really feel that. He gasped, causing Grimmjow to pause for a minute, but Ulquiorra told him he was fine, to just continue. Slowly the toy was pulled almost all the way out, and then pushed inside, a bit faster this time. It was so strange to have something go that deep inside of him, but it was a good feeling.

Then Grimmjow decided to pull the toy out and place it alongside the other toy he had used on him earlier. Oh he was planning to keep Ulquiorra on the edge wasn’t he?

“Next one.”

Ulquiorra watched Grimmjow open another box, and this one had several items in it. Some smaller vibrators that could be controlled by a wireless remote. That one could be tried out later. Then there were a few vibrators that were specifically made to stimulate the prostate. The last toy that had been in that box was some anal beads. It was a long set of beads too.

Grimmjow sent him a smirk and then applied lube to the first few beads and pushed the first one inside Ulqui. He had probably not needed lube for that one, and with how stretched he was right now it went in with him barely noticing it. The next one went in with ease too. Then there was the next one, and this one he felt a bit more than the previous ones. Each bead was a bit larger than the last one.

“Should probably have started with this one,” Grimmjow chuckled.

“Next time,” Ulquiorra replied with a small smile.

Now he could really feel the beads being pushed inside. They had to be about the size of the widest part of the first toy they had used. And now there were some that were even larger. Oh they were really stretching him now.

“Too big,” Ulquiorra gasped. Okay, he did have a limit.

Grimmjow immediately stopped and leaned over him to kiss him, a silent ‘thank you’ for speaking up. Then he started to slowly pull the beads out. It was a good feeling, but this was definitely something that was a lot more suited for foreplay, that much he could tell.

“Next one?” Grimmjow asked and kissed him again.

“One or two more, I don’t know for how much longer I can deal with being kept on this edge.”

Grimmjow chuckled and reached for another box. When he opened it he smirked a bit. “This one will have to wait for another time.”

“What is it?”

Grimmjow showed him the long dildo, with a clear opening at the top. “Ovipositor. Gotta make the gelatin eggs first before it can be used.”

Ulquiorra hummed and shifted a bit. He was going to look forward to that. Really look forward to that. Then Grimmjow reached for another box, and they should be running out soon. This one had another dildo that looked like it belonged to a creature. It was a lot heavier on the texturing and had several bumps all over the shaft. He was going to feel that one for sure.

Grimmjow covered it in lube, but not as much as the previous ones. Ulquiorra took a moment to wonder just how much lube was inside of him right now.

The toy entered him with ease, but it was not as though he couldn’t feel it enter. The bumps and textures was, as he had suspected, effectively stimulating his entrance. It was however not rubbing against his prostate like the first toy had, or it hadn’t been until Grimmjow changed the angle a bit. Now it was really rubbing against that spot, and he couldn’t help the moans coming from him. He had been kept close to the edge for far too long now. His body so desperate for release.

“Let me cum this time,” Ulquiorra gasped. He was not trying to hold back, not trying to last.

“I will, if you say ‘please’,” Grimmjow purred.

“Please.”

Grimmjow started to move the toy faster, rougher, and making sure it massaged against his prostate. He was so close now, and the desperation in his moans could clearly be heard. Ulquiorra almost expected Grimmjow to suddenly stop, to tease him, but thankfully he didn’t.

The orgasm wrecked through his body. It had to be the most intense thing he had ever felt. He couldn’t tell for how long it lasted, but once it was over it almost felt like he was floating. What a high that had been. He was gasping for breath and he could feel that his body would tremble a bit now and then.

“You okay there?” Grimmjow asked. He had moved so that he was sitting next to Ulquiorra now and ran his fingers through Ulquiorra’s hair.

“Yes… just… tired. That was intense.”

Grimmjow smiled and placed a light kiss at the corner of his lips. “Just take it easy okay? Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine. I’ll take a shower very soon.”

Grimmjow nodded. “Want me to be there with you?”

“No, it’s fine.” Was this aftercare of some sort? He remembered that they had talked about it.

“Okay. I’ll clean up here, and change the sheets, since there’s lube everywhere,” Grimmjow laughed.

“Good to know I’m not the only mess here.”

Grimmjow chuckled and leaned over him to kiss him. The kiss was tender and so soft. When Grimmjow slowly broke away Ulquiorra let out a low content sigh. He stayed there for a while longer, then slowly got up and out of bed. Grimmjow followed along, just to make sure that he was fine, and then went back to the bed to get everything cleaned up while Ulquiorra was in the shower.

That had been a very interesting ordeal. He was very curious when it came to the other toys, and he made a mental note to try some of them on Grimmjow, since he was not going to let Grimmjow be in control every time they were intimate.


	25. Act like Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point almost every chapter is just going to be them doing something kinky. At least it's a ton of fun to write!

Ulquiorra looked over the collection of toys they had while he waited for Grimmjow to get out of the shower. He had an idea, something he would like to try, but only if Grimmjow genuinely wanted to do it too, since this might place Grimmjow in a slightly uncomfortable situation. Or arousing situation. It all depended on how Grimmjow felt about this.

The bathroom door opened and Ulquiorra turned to watch as his boyfriend walked out of there with just a towel around his shoulders as he was working to dry his hair. Ulquiorra allowed his gaze to slowly move over Grimmjow’s naked body, and Grimmjow only flashed him a grin. He was such an attractive man. Ulquiorra could understand why people were being jealous, even if it didn’t make it less annoying to deal with.

“Before you get dressed,” Ulquiorra spoke up before Grimmjow could reach for the clothes he was planning to wear.

“Hmm?” he turned his attention towards Ulquiorra and walked over to him. “I don’t think we have time for another round before we have to leave.”

“Not my plan,” Ulquiorra said and tilted his head up to look at him, and Grimmjow took that as an invitation to kiss him.

“Then what are you planning?”

Ulquiorra held up one of the smaller vibrators they had that had a remote controller. “How far away do you think the signals for the remote can reach?”

“I don’t know, with that one I guess from here and to the Chinese take away place?”

“Which then means it would reach across campus,” Ulquiorra hummed.

“Where are you going with this?”

“I was thinking of you wearing this inside of you all day, and I will be the one with the remote,” Ulquiorra replied. He had been about to say something else, but Grimmjow immediately leaned in for another kiss, kissing him harder this time, the way he would kiss him when he was starting to get aroused. So he liked that idea.

“Hell yes,” Grimmjow grinned when he pulled away and Ulquiorra could see that he had started to get hard. “But is it charged?”

“I have charged all the toys that need charging.”

“Someone is thinking ahead.”

Ulquiorra shrugged and then proceeded to reach for the nightstand and fetch the lube. “Do you want me to insert it, or do you want to do it yourself?”

“I’ll give you the honor,” Grimmjow grinned and lay down on the bed, making himself real comfortable there. He was rock hard right now, and Ulquiorra knew that that problem there was just going to get a lot worse through the day.

Ulquiorra took a moment to look him over before he crawled closer and seated himself between Grimmjow’s spread legs. “This is a position I could get used to,” Ulquiorra commented.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Grimmjow said with a wink.

Ulquiorra didn’t reply, instead he made sure to cover the small egg shaped vibrator in lube and brought it to Grimmjow’s entrance.

“Ready?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Gently Ulquiorra pushed it inside of him, and allowed two fingers to follow just to push it a bit deeper. Then he pulled his fingers out and decided to turn the toy on.

“Fuck,” Grimmjow hissed, one of his legs twitched a bit.

“That okay?”

“If it stays there all day then it’s going to fucking kill my prostate,” Grimmjow groaned.

“Guess I placed it perfectly then,” Ulquiorra replied and crawled over him so that he could kiss him, and then get off of him and turned the toy off as he did so. “I wonder if you’ll manage to keep yourself from climaxing while in class. Also, you are not allowed to relieve yourself without me telling you so,” Ulquiorra sent him a dark look as he said so.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” Grimmjow sighed and got up. “We’ll get food on the way to class, since we’ve got no time to make breakfast.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Ulquiorra watched as Grimmjow got dressed, and at one point decided to turn the toy on just to see what his reaction was, and Grimmjow immediately had to hold on to the back of the couch and let out a loud gasp.

“You will have to get used to that,” Ulquiorra said and couldn’t help the little smile on his lips.

“Fuck you,” Grimmjow groaned.

“Later.”

Grimmjow only sent Ulquiorra a look at that response, and kept glaring at him when Ulquiorra walked closer and placed a quick kiss on his cheek and then walked over to the door and waited there until Grimmjow was done. Together they walked out of there and to Grimmjow’s car. While driving Ulquiorra decided that the vibrator was going to be off, just for their safety’s sake.

So, fast food for breakfast. Ulquiorra didn’t mind, but Grimmjow mumbled about this not becoming a habit, as if this had happened more than this one time.

They got the the university and the second Grimmjow stepped out of the car Ulquiorra turned the vibrator on. Grimmjow paused and Ulquiorra could see him tense up for a second.

“I’m going to get back at you for this,” Grimmjow said with a huff as they walked together. In response Ulquiorra turned up the intensity of the vibrator and Grimmjow couldn’t hold back a groan.

“I’m sure you will,” Ulquiorra hummed. This was fun. He truly enjoyed the power he had now.

“Just you wait,” Grimmjow hissed before walking off to class.

The only bad thing was that Ulquiorra didn’t get to watch Grimmjow try to stay calm and collected during class, but at least he would see him when it was lunch. That was going to be fun.

Now and then during his own lectures he would turn the vibrator to high or low and sometimes even turn it off for a few seconds. It was all very unpredictable, so he was certain Grimmjow was not going to get used to it, and would not be able to tell when something would change. He was in his second lecture now. The professor was talking about one of the upcoming exams they were going to have next week, pretty much repeating what he had talked about two days ago to make sure everyone had been given this information, when Ulquiorra got a message.

Grimmjow: I don’t know if I can hold it for much longer.  
Ulquiorra: Oh? What a pity. You’ve only lasted a couple of hours.  
Grimmjow: A couple of hours with a angry boner and a vibrator up my ass. It has not been easy!  
Ulquiorra: You make a good point.

He got up from his seat and excused himself. Out of the room he went and started to walk down the hallway, peaking into the classrooms nearby.

Grimmjow: I think I’ll have to head to the bathroom to deal with this because I jizz in front of my whole fucking class.  
Ulquiorra: Come to section C.  
Grimmjow: ???  
Ulquiorra: Do as you’re told.  
Grimmjow: You’ve really decided to be the boss today. It’s hot.

Ulquiorra found a empty classroom, and texted Grimmjow the number that was on the door before he entered and leaned against the wall next to the door. It took Grimmjow about five minutes to appear. He quickly shut the door behind himself and pulled Ulquiorra into a kiss. It was rough, and he could tell just how desperate Grimmjow was right now. Ulquiorra decided to turn the vibrator on high, and he could hear Grimmjow moan against his mouth. He decided to leave it like that and instead focused on undoing Grimmjow’s pants.

“What are you-?” that question died on Grimmjow’s lips when he watched Ulquiorra knelt down in front of him and pulled his pants and underwear down enough to free Grimmjow’s hard cock. “We’ll be in so much trouble if we get caught,” Grimmjow groaned, his voice trembling a bit when he spoke.

“Then don’t be too loud,” Ulquiorra replied and lapped away some of the precum that was leaking from the head of Grimmjow’s cock. The taller male whined in response. He must be so worked up right now. Ulquiorra figured he had teased him enough now so he wrapped his fingers around the base and took the head of Grimmjow’s erection into his mouth.

“Fuck,” Grimmjow hissed and was quick to grip Ulquiorra’s hair. That gave Ulquiorra an idea, so he pulled back so that he could speak.

“If you want to thrust into my mouth then that’s fine,” he said.

“You want me to fuck your mouth?! You sure?”

“I’ll hit you in the leg if I want you to stop,” Ulquiorra said with a shrug.

“Okay,” Grimmjow said with a nod. He sounded breathless, and Ulquiorra could feel that the hand in his hair was trembling slightly.

“And give me a warning before you cum.”

“Are you planning to swallow?” Grimmjow pretty much moaned those words.

“I am,” Ulquiorra confirmed and opened his mouth ready to take Grimmjow’s cock. He allowed the head to rest on his tongue, silently telling Grimmjow that he would have to do the rest himself.

Grimmjow stared at him for a moment, then adjusted the grip he had on Ulquiorra’s hair and slowly pushed his cock inside Ulquiorra’s mouth. Ulquiorra kept his jaw and throat relaxed. Blowjobs were not his favourite thing to give, just because Grimmjow’s girth did make it rather uncomfortable, but he would still do it now and then.

He could feel the head of Grimmjow’s cock at the back of his throat. The whole length was inside now, and it was a lot to take, but he could manage, he just had to be calm and focused. Grimmjow stayed there for a second and then started to slowly pull out and then thrust back inside, a bit faster now. It was still fine, he could manage this. Muffled sounds was constantly coming from Grimmjow, and Ulquiorra could hear him hiss his name now and then. He was really doing everything he could to stay quiet.

“I’m gonna- Ulqui… I’m-” Grimmjow stuttered.

Oh he had been really close, they hadn’t even been doing this for half a minute. He hummed in response, the only way he could let Grimmjow know that he had heard him. It only took a few seconds and Ulquiorra felt him cum and was quick to swallow before he choked on it, and he turned the toy that was still inside Grimmjow off. He knew the other wasn’t a big fan of overstimulation, so he wasn’t going to torture him.

“Thanks, I really fucking needed that,” Grimmjow sighed and pulled out of Ulquiorra’s mouth. “How’s your jaw and throat?”

Ulquiorra got to his feet and cleared his throat as he did so. “Fine, might be a bit hoarse for a couple of hours, and I really need something to drink since it feels like there’s still cum at the back of my throat,” Ulquiorra replied, and found himself pulled into a hug. Okay, this was nice, he didn’t mind that at all, so he hugged back.

“Wasn’t too rough with you then?” Grimmjow asked.

“No, I knew you weren’t going to be too rough. I trusted you to treat me well,” Ulquiorra replied and he felt Grimmjow hug him a bit tighter. They both trusted each other enough to do these things, and Ulquiorra wondered how far they would dare go.

“To think you would skip part of a lecture to come here and blow me,” Grimmjow chuckled as he stepped back and tucked himself back into his jeans. “Does that mean that one of these days you’ll let me bend you over a desk and fuck you while we’re here?”

“I don’t see why not,” Ulquiorra shrugged. There was something about the risk they were taking he really liked.

Grimmjow grinned at him and placed a kiss on his lips. “I have to head back to class now. Give me at least fifteen minutes more before you turn that toy on, okay? See you during lunch.”

“See you.”

Ulquiorra let Grimmjow leave first, then he headed back to class. No one cared when he walked inside, thankfully, as he had been slightly anxious that everyone would stop to stare. Students usually did come and go, and the lecturers didn’t care to stop whenever a student walked somewhere. You were the only one responsible for your own studies, so if you chose to leave or not appear, then that was your problem, not the professor or the other students’. 

He was back in his seat and was quick to pick up on what the lecturer was talking about. There were only a few more lectures left and after that there were only exams. Really, the lectures that were left were all centered around exams, and Ulquiorra was confident he had nothing to worry about this year either.

He noted that fifteen minutes had gone by, but decided to give it a few more minutes before suddenly turning the toy on its highest setting and then on low. Ulquiorra almost had to struggle to keep a neutral expression at the thought of Grimmjow’s reaction to that. He would probably hear about it when they met up again.

His phone buzzed.

Or he would hear it right now.

Grimmjow: YOU’RE EVIL!  
Ulquiorra: What are you talking about?  
Grimmjow: I fucking jumped out of my seat!  
Ulquiorra: I wish I was there to see it.  
Grimmjow: Sadist.  
Ulquiorra: I thought we had established that I was the masochist.  
Grimmjow: You’re both.  
Ulquiorra: Hopefully that is not too much for you to handle.  
Grimmjow: Oh hell no it isn’t. I have barely started to plan out things I want to do with you. Just you wait, I’ll get you back for this.  
Ulquiorra: I’ll look forward to it.

He smiled a bit to himself as he put the phone away. Whatever Grimmjow was planning for him in the future, he was looking forward to it, and he knew he was going to enjoy it. Quickly he made sure to return his focus to the lecture before his mind decided to make up scenarios he would like to find himself in and cause him to get hard.

The lecture lasted for another half hour, and then it was lunch. He exited the room and found Grimmjow waiting for him, and Ulquiorra could tell that he had managed to work him up again. Too bad for him that Ulquiorra was not planning to help him out just yet.

“Where are we gonna eat?” Grimmjow asked.

Ulquiorra smiled a bit, his hands in his pockets as he turned the vibrator to high for a few seconds and watched Grimmjow try to act calm, but fail. “The large cafeteria,” Ulquiorra decided. Yes, he didn’t like going there, and Grimmjow knew it. He might have managed to deal with it a couple of times, but it still caused him a lot of discomfort to be in such a large crowd. Buuut, that discomfort was worth it if he got to watch Grimmjow try to act like nothing while in there, especially if they found some of the people they knew.

“You’re so cruel,” Grimmjow chuckled. “Fine. You want to test me, I’m fine with that.”

Ulquiorra winked at him, which surprised Grimmjow a bit and together they started to walk towards their destination. “It’s fun. I’m sure you’ll get back at me for this.”

“My revenge will be sweet.” Grimmjow paused for a bit. “You’ve become really confident, or is it just the power you’re currently HOLDING-” Grimmjow pretty much yelled that last part as Ulquiorra had decided to turn up the intensity of the toy for a few seconds again.

“No need to yell,” Ulquiorra commented and shook his head.

Grimmjow glared at him and leaned a bit closer. “The worse you make it for me, the bigger my revenge is going to be.”

Ulquiorra turned up the intensity again, and this time kept it there for longer than usual. “You’re just asking for me to make this as bad as humanly possible, aren’t you?”

Grimmjow groaned. How he was able to walk right now was a mystery to Ulquiorra, but the other somehow managed to keep moving, though he was moving a bit strangely. Well, that should be enough for now, so he turned the toy off, and Grimmjow let out a sigh of relief.

The entered the cafeteria, and while they were in line Ulquiorra looked around and managed to see some people they knew around a table. One of them, Szayel, noticed them and waved, and Ulquiorra waved back.

“You were hoping for us to find people we knew, weren't you?” Grimmjow mumbled.

“What makes you say that?” Ulquiorra asked innocently.

Grimmjow just shook his head. They got to the front of the line and ordered food, and once they were given the food that was when Ulquiorra turned the vibrator on again. Grimmjow almost dropped what he had been holding.

“You’re so fucked later on,” Grimmjow hissed.

They reached the table where the others were and they made sure to give them space to sit down. Grimmjow shifted a bit, clearly sitting with that toy inside of him did nothing to help his situation.

“The exam stress hasn’t killed you yet?” Shinji smirked

“Nah, my first exam- ugh -is next Monday,” Grimmjow replied. Ulquiorra had decided to adjust the intensity of the vibrator in the middle of that sentence, and Grimmjow had been caught off guard. The others raised an eyebrow at him, but Grimmjow continued to act like nothing.

“Think you’ll pass?” Ichigo asked.

“Of course I will,” Grimmjow scoffed.

The conversation continued on, revolving around the upcoming exams and those who had already taken exams talking about how they thought it went. Grimmjow tried to stay somewhat active in the conversation, but Ulquiorra playing with the controller did cause him to act a bit weird through it all and he would glare over at Ulquiorra now and then.

Szayel leaned over the table while the others were busy. He was straight across from Ulquiorra, and had spent most of the time observing. “You’re way kinkier than I thought you would be,” he smirked.

Ulquiorra rose an eyebrow slightly. “What makes you say that?” Going to act innocent for now.

“It’s obvious you’ve got a controller in your pocket and what it controls is inside your boyfriend there,” Szayel smirked.

Ulquiorra shrugged. “I suppose he is doing a poor job of hiding it.” With that Ulquiorra turned the setting to high, and he could see Grimmjow tense up for a second and he almost dropped the fork he was holding. Then he turned it down to low again.

“So it’s true what they say about the quiet ones then,” Szayel grinned. “Tried to have sex while at school yet? I could give you guys some tips if you need any.” That was said with a wink.

“No, we haven’t,” Ulquiorra said, not mentioning what they had done earlier, even if it was a highly sexual act. “I don’t see what sort of tips you could give us.”

Szayel smirked. Looks like that’s what he had wanted Ulquiorra to say. “I mean. I have plenty of experience when it comes to kinky stuff,” he said. He looked so incredibly pleased right now. “So tell me. What has the two of you been doing? I’m curious.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Grimmjow asked and looked from Szayel to Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra decided to reward Grimmjow by increasing the intensity of the vibrator for a few seconds. Grimmjow let out a low groan at that.

“Szayel knows,” Ulquiorra said, his eyes still on Szayel who was pretty much beaming at this point.

“Fucking hell,” Grimmjow huffed.

“Do you feel like you’re on display now?” Szayel smirked.

“Shut up,” Grimmjow growled, followed by a low moan as Ulquiorra was playing with the controller again. He sent Ulquiorra a look, and fished up his phone from his pocket. “I’ll fucking show him.”

“Show him what?” Ulquiorra asked and tilted his head to the side.

Grimmjow turned his phone to him. Oh pictures he had taken of him before and during sex. A shiver ran up Ulquiorra’s back. He looked from the phone and then to Grimmjow. Grimmjow turned the phone screen off, to make sure no one else saw. He was waiting for Ulquiorra to consent.

“Go ahead.”

Szayel was looking from Ulquiorra to Grimmjow, very eager to see what this was all about.

“You sure?” Grimmjow said and unlocked his phone again.

“I said, go ahead.”

Grimmjow handed his phone over to Szayel who couldn’t have smirked any more than he was right now. He was clearly looking through the photos, and would now and then look around to make sure no one else was there. At least he respected the fact that only he was allowed to see.

“I guess I was wrong. The exhibitionist is clearly Ulquiorra,” Szayel smiled and returned the phone to Grimmjow. “Those were some very nice pictures. Ever thought about filming instead?”

“Maybe in the future. It’s not something we have discussed,” Grimmjow said.

Szayel just folded his hands on the table and smiled at the two of them. “You two are freaking adorable. If you ever release a video, let me know, I would love to watch it.” That was said with a wink, then a sigh. “I never thought I would be jealous of someone else’s sex life.”

Ulquiorra tilted his head. “Jealous?” He then looked over at Grimmjow and back at Szayel. As he did so he felt Grimmjow wrap an arm around him, and pulled him close.

“I mean. Look at you two,” Szayel chuckled. “You have no idea how hard it is to find a partner who is open to try new things, is trustworthy, and easy to communicate with. Especially if you’re into very kinky stuff.”

“Oh. I remember Grimmjow mentioning that part about communicating. Apparently it’s normal for people not to properly let their partner know what they are okay with and what they aren’t,” Ulquiorra shrugged.

“You have no idea,” Szayel groaned. “I was with this guy once. I wanted to do some blood play, since I love it, and he agreed to it. BUT then afterwards, I found out that when we had just started he had changed his mind, but did not tell me, and proceeded to get mad at me for not stopping, when I didn’t even know he wanted to stop.”

“That sounds like a tricky situation,” Ulquiorra nodded.

“I’ve also been with guys who didn’t give a damn about consent, thinking that since I’m into these sorts of things then I’ll go along with anything and always be in the mood for everything. At least I haven’t had to deal with anyone ignoring safe words yet.”

Ulquiorra just blinked and then sent Grimmjow a short look before he turned back to Szayel. This new information was rather unsettling, and made him very glad he was with Grimmjow. At least they could have fun and explore without worries.

The lunch hour was done and they all disappeared towards their own classes. Through the next lectures Ulquiorra kept playing with the remote in his pocket, turning it on and off, high and low in intensity.

“You planning to at least give me a hand with this when we’re back home?” Grimmjow asked when they met up after the lectures were over. He looked really tense, and Ulquiorra wondered just how on edge he was right now. So he turned the toy off, giving him a bit of a break, even if that wasn’t exactly going to help his situation with how hard he was right now. 

“We shall see,” Ulquiorra replied and sent him a short look.

They got into his car and home they went, and quickly into their room. Dinner later, first they had this to take care of. The moment the door had closed behind them Grimmjow had been quick to reach out for Ulquiorra only for Ulquiorra to step away.

“No,” Ulquiorra said, and slowly moved closer to him again. “No touching.”

Grimmjow growled in annoyance, followed by a deep groan as Ulquiorra set the vibrator to the highest setting. Time to finish this. He kept his eyes on Grimmjow’s face as he undid his pants, and pulled them down slightly, just to free his erection, then he took a step back to look at him. Grimmjow just kept glaring at him.

“Undress. Completely. Now,” Ulquiorra ordered.

Grimmjow did as he was told, but he kept sending Ulquiorra looks. Ulquiorra wondered what was going on inside his head right now. He watched and waited for Grimmjow to get completely naked before he got closer to him once more.

“No touching,” he reminded him and he could see Grimmjow’s hands turn into fists. His want to touch must be really strong right now. So just to see if he could make that urge even worse he reached out and ran his fingers down Grimmjow’s chest and stomach. He could feel the muscles tense slightly under the touch, and hear Grimmjow whine. Ulquiorra’s fingers went from his stomach to run along the underside of Grimmjow’s erection. Then he stepped back. “Get on the couch.”

Grimmjow did as he was told. Ulquiorra stood in front of him and just looked at him. He was trying to appear like he had authority, but he was getting affected by this all. Grimmjow’s state, the way he was looking at him, and the control he held, it was all so incredibly arousing.

“Wrap your fingers around your cock and stroke, but you’re not allowed to cum until I tell you to,” Ulquiorra said.

Grimmjow took a deep shaky breath and continued to follow the orders given to him.

“Faster,” Ulquiorra ordered.

Grimmjow continued to do as told, and Ulquiorra could tell that he was really struggling to hold back right now. This was truly testing his self control.

“Go ahead. Cum,” Ulquiorra said.

Grimmjow’s hand moved a bit faster over the shaft of his cock, Ulquiorra could tell just by looking at him that he was just about to cum. The sounds he was making, and the way he was breathing was also giving away just how close he was.

Seeing Grimmjow cum was always such a beautiful sight. The way his muscles tensed, his hips arching slightly. His eyes shut and brows drawn together and mouth open as the sensation washed over him. Ulquiorra shut the toy off immediately when he could tell Grimmjow was about to come down from that high and quickly closed the gap between them.

His hands cupping Grimmjow’s face as he leaned in and kissed him. The kiss was immediately returned, almost desperately so. Ulquiorra stayed there for a bit, before breaking the kiss and instead leaning his forehead against Grimmjow’s, his hands still on his face.

“How are you feeling?” Ulquiorra asked, his voice a bit softer than usual.

He had tried to read up a bit on aftercare, but it was all so depending on what they had done and who the person in need of aftercare was, so it had been a difficult task. Thankfully, with him studying psychology, he did have an idea what he needed to do to make sure at least Grimmjow’s mental well being was okay.

“Tired… very tired.”

“Physically or mentally?”

“Both,” Grimmjow sighed.

“That’s okay, just allow yourself to relax. I’m here for you,” Ulquiorra whispered.

“It was hella fun though. So… worth it,” Grimmjow said with a tired smile.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“I think I need a shower,” Grimmjow mumbled after a moment of silence.

“Do you want me there with you?” Ulquiorra straightened up and helped Grimmjow to his feet as he said that.

“Yeah,” Grimmjow nodded.

Ulquiorra gently held Grimmjow’s hand as they walked into the bathroom together. He turned on the water, and turned back towards his boyfriend while they waited for the water to heat up.

“I’ll make us something to eat afterwards. Anything in particular you want?” Ulquiorra asked. He had reached out for him again and was caressing his cheek right now.

“Honestly… the only thing I want to eat right now is pizza,” Grimmjow huffed.

“Pizza it is then. Home made or do you want me to order pizza?”

“Order.”

“Okay,” Ulquiorra nodded. That meant he could spend more time caring for him until he had properly recovered. He wasn’t sure how long that would take, again it depended on the person and what they had been through.

Grimmjow let out a shaky sigh. “Fuck. It feels like all my emotions are on top of my skin,” he said.

“You’ve been in a vulnerable position for hours. Exposed and with very little protection, with me doing as I pleased without you having much of a say in it. It’s natural for you to feel raw now, and whatever emotions you’re feeling right now is okay, and if you wish to-” Ulquiorra was silenced by a pair of soft lips pressed against his own.

“Yeah, I get it. I know why I feel like this, it’s still just… weird,” Grimmjow said when he pulled back.

“That’s understandable,” Ulquiorra nodded.

They entered the shower. More gentle kisses, and Ulquiorra kept his hands on Grimmjow’s body the whole time they were there, gently caressing him, and just trying to give him as much positive touch as possible. At one point Grimmjow had removed the toy that had still been inside of him and stepped out of the shower for a second to place it in the sink. Ulquiorra commented that he would clean it properly once they were done here.

They stayed in the shower for much longer than normal, and when they decided they were done there Grimmjow was back to his usual self, or a slightly tired version of his usual self.

Toy cleaned, and it was time for pizza. Ulquiorra had just placed his phone down when he felt Grimmjow wrap his arms around him from behind.

“I don’t think I want to be placed in situations like that too often. I prefer to have the dominant role,” Grimmjow said.

Ulquiorra leaned slightly against him, and he felt the arms tighten. “I’m perfectly fine with that. It wouldn’t be any fun if you didn’t want it.”

“Mmmm. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do to you,” Grimmjow purred and pressed his lips against the side of Ulquiorra’s neck. “There is so much I would like to do.”

“Make a list then.”

“Might have to.”


	26. Slave for a day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I did a little disappearance act there. Got a lot going on in my life right now, and some serious mental health issues. I can't say I'm perfectly fine, but I'm well enough to write, so I'm back, for now.

Ulquiorra slowly opened his eyes as he felt Grimmjow’s fingers gently play with his hair. He was met by a soft smile, followed by a gentle kiss placed on his forehead. What a nice way to start the day. Especially since they both had classes today, and apparently neither had been awoken by the alarm Ulquiorra had set.

“Morning,” Ulquiorra mumbled.

“Morning to you too.”

“Been awake for long?”

“Ten minutes maybe.”

“So you’ve been watching me sleep like a creep?” Ulquiorra couldn’t stop the small smile that played across his lips when he said that. He was just teasing, and clearly Grimmjow knew as he laughed and leaned in to kiss him properly.

“Now, neither of us has any exams in a couple of days, soooo~” Grimmjow purred and Ulquiorra felt the hand that had been in his hair run down his spine and then grope his ass. “I figured it might be time for my revenge.”

“You have my attention,” Ulquiorra hummed.

It had been almost a week since the vibrator incidence. Up until now they had kept it pretty vanilla, both since they wanted to take it easy for a bit, and because exams had taken over their lives. Now they thankfully got a bit of a break.

“My plan is for you to be my slave today. Whatever I say, you have to do, and you can’t say no. In fact, ‘no’ will be ignored,” Grimmjow smirked and placed a kiss at the corner of Ulquiorra’s lips.

The thought of this sent a shiver through Ulquiorra. “Sounds like fun.”

“Remember the safewords if I’m taking it too far,” Grimmjow whispered.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to let you push this past what I’m comfortable with.”

“I know.” One more kiss and then Grimmjow got out of bed. Ulquiorra had been about to follow him but Grimmjow had quickly turned and told him to stay.

So it had begun.

He watched Grimmjow disappear into the bathroom. It was tempting to get out of bed and start to get ready for the day. He looked over to where his phone was and reached out and snatched it up. His alarm would be going off in a minute or so. The second it did he was quick to turn it off. Now… all he could do was wait since Grimmjow had told him to sit here. He was pretty sure this was all a test to see if he was going to obey him or not.

Grimmjow walked out of the bathroom and immediately looked towards the bed where Ulquiorra was still sitting. A wide smile spread across his lips and he made his way over to his boyfriend.

“Look at you, being a good boy. I can tell I’ll get to have plenty of fun with you today,” Grimmjow purred and caressed Ulquiorra’s cheek, only for that hand to suddenly grip his hair roughly. Ulquiorra’s breath hitched at the sudden shift in behavior. “Lay down on your back.”

Grimmjow let go of Ulquiorra’s hair and Ulquiorra did as he was told. Though Grimmjow had just gotten dressed, he now undid his pants, and Ulquiorra knew all too well what he was planning to do. Grimmjow grabbed hold of Ulquiorra’s legs and pulled him closer so that he wouldn’t have to crawl into bed to get him.

Ulquiorra watched as Grimmjow fetched the lube, and completely ignored the condoms that were there too. Unprotected sex it was then. He wasn’t going to tell Grimmjow no. Neither of them had STDs and pregnancy wasn’t something they had to worry about either. So this was fine. In fact, the thought of Grimmjow entering him without any sort of protection just added to the arousal that was already building within him. All this rough treatment had been really doing it for him.

Ulquiorra watched as Grimmjow covered his cock in lube. Clearly his boyfriend had made sure that Ulquiorra could see that there was no condom involved so that he had the time to protest if there was something. Ulquiorra said nothing, he only watched with hooded eyes.

He felt Grimmjow’s cock against his entrance, and with no warning Grimmjow thrusted the full length into Ulquiorra. Oh that was rough, but it felt so good, even drawing a low sound out of Ulquiorra. Grimmjow wasted no time, as he pulled almost all the way out again and then thrusted back inside. It was rough and deep and Ulquiorra loved it. Then there was a hand on his throat. Grimmjow might be trying to act selfish during all of this, but he was certainly doing a good job pleasuring Ulquiorra.

Deep groans came from Grimmjow every now and then as he continued to fuck Ulquiorra. His cock going as deep as it could into his boyfriend, and the pace was harder than it normally would be.

“I’ll make sure you can still feel it for the rest of the fucking day,” Grimmjow growled.

Ulquiorra shuddered at that thought. School today was going to get really interesting.

Grimmjow was getting close, Ulquiorra could tell, and he was very sure Grimmjow wasn’t going to do anything to help his ‘slave’ reach climax. He had pretty much made sure his prostate got minimum amount of stimulation, and not really touched him much. In a way it didn’t bother him, but at the same time he did still crave the touch and he wanted to come, but it wasn’t up to him today.

He felt Grimmjow stop as his cock was buried deep inside of Ulquiorra, then slowly pull out. Yes, Ulquiorra would feel this for at least a couple of hours as he knew he was gaping slightly, and he felt strangely empty.

“Now you’ll have a nice reminder of who you belong to,” Grimmjow smirked and stepped back.

Ulquiorra wasn’t sure if Grimmjow was talking about the cum he had left inside of him, or that lingering sensation left after that rough round. He had been about to get out of bed when Grimmjow pushed him back.

“Uh?”

“Didn’t tell you you could get out yet,” Grimmjow said and walked away while fixing his pants. Ulquiorra stayed there as he watched Grimmjow look through his clothes and then threw a few articles of clothes at Ulquiorra. “Now you can get out of bed and get dressed.”

Oh, Grimmjow was also deciding what he could wear. He hasn’t realized just how little power he would have today, but he enjoyed it. Even this, just being told what to wear was sending a shiver through him. It really didn’t help that he was still rock hard. As he looked through what Grimmjow had thrown at him he realized that there was no underwear here. Guess Grimmjow had decided that he wasn’t allowed to wear that today then.

He got dressed, while Grimmjow watched him. The look in his eyes was so predatory, like a hungry animals. More shivers went through him.

“Go make breakfast for us,” Grimmjow commanded.

“What do you want me to make?” Ulquiorra asked, after all, he didn’t want to accidentally make the wrong thing.

Grimmjow smirked a bit at that. “French toast.”

Ulquiorra nodded and walked to the kitchen. It was a bit uncomfortable to walk around with an erection, but he could deal with it. He started to prepare breakfast, and just as he had placed the first toast slices on the skillet Grimmjow decided to appear. Ulquiorra sent him a short look and then turned his attention back to the food. He could feel Grimmjow standing right behind him now. Then there were hands on his hips and Grimmjow’s body pressed up against his back. One hand moved and Ulquiorra bit down on his bottom lip as the hand groped him. Fingers slowly moving over his clothed erection. What a tease.

He gripped Grimmjow’s wrist and pulled his hand away. Right now he needed to focus on the food. He could hear Grimmjow chuckle and the hand was immediately back again, groping him harder. A low sound came from Ulquiorra.

“You make such cute noises,” Grimmjow purred against his ear.

Ulquiorra clenched his teeth together. Food, he had to focus on the food and not the horrible distraction standing right behind him. Once again he decided to force Grimmjow’s hand away. A low hum came from the taller man behind him.

“Are you trying to defy me?” Grimmjow chuckled. He sounded so incredibly amused by Ulquiorra’s actions.

“I’m trying to make breakfast.”

“Doesn’t mean that I can’t touch you. I can do whatever the fuck I want with you, you’re mine after all. Or maybe I’ll have to bend you over the kitchen table and fuck you again to remind you of that.”

Ulquiorra didn’t reply, and when Grimmjow’s hand decided to grope him again he did not push him away. This lack of control, lack of autonomy was oddly arousing. He knew he would enjoy it, but not to this degree. From the outside he knew all of this must have looked horrifying, abusive even. It really wasn’t. Grimmjow might appear to be in full control of everything, but with one word Ulquiorra could stop it. The dom could only go as far as the sub allowed them to, or that’s how it should be. Ulquiorra trusted Grimmjow enough to be perfectly comfortable with this. He knew Grimmjow didn’t actually wish to make him feel bad, make him uncomfortable or hurt him. This was all a game, a very adult game.

He took a deep shaky breath as Grimmjow’s hand continued to caress his clothed erection. This was torture, but thankfully he was done with the food now, and with that Grimmjow stepped away and took a seat by the kitchen table and Ulquiorra served him the breakfast. He had been about to take a seat across the table when Grimmjow stopped him.

“No. You are going to stand while you eat. I would tell you to sit on the floor, but I would get too many questions if someone talked in here.”

Ulquiorra huffed out a short laugh. Yes, this was a space they shared with several other people. It was going to be good once they got their own place. Then they could really go all out. He was looking forward to that.

As they ate Orihime decided to make an appearance. She did wonder why Ulquiorra was standing while eating and he had just replied that he felt like it.

Food consumed, and they were both ready to head to school. They got out of the building and into Grimmjow’s car, but instead of starting it up Grimmjow gripped hold of Ulquiorra’s jaw and kissed him. During the kiss the hand moved down to Ulquiorra’s throat.

“If I text you to meet me at any point during class, you are to appear within five minutes. Understood?” Grimmjow hissed against Ulquiorra’s lips. It sounded like there was an underlying threat to this command.

“Yes,” Ulquiorra managed to speak as the hand was gripping his throat rather tightly.

“Good,” Grimmjow smirked and kissed him again, this time pretty much forcing his tongue into Ulquiorra’s mouth. Ulquiorra made a muffled sound, but not one that indicated discomfort, it was closer to a moan. Grimmjow pulled back slightly only to go for Ulquiorra’s exposed neck. He bit down sharply, and Ulquiorra could tell he was planning to leave a mark there for everyone to see. “There, now everyone will know that you’re mine.”

“If only I had your name on me somewhere,” Ulquiorra replied.

“Don’t give me ideas.”

“Don’t worry, I’m giving myself ideas.”

Grimmjow let out a deep sound at that and sent Ulquiorra a dark look. He could tell he was probably going to get fucked at some point during the first lecture. Ulquiorra also knew they were going to be a bit late since Grimmjow was just now starting the car. Oh well. Thankfully, it wasn’t going to be a lot of important information these days. Exams was the whole focus, and the professors pretty much only repeated older lectures and helped individual students with things they struggled with right now. Ulquiorra didn’t need any help so he only appeared since he hated being gone for even a single day.

They arrived and Grimmjow made sure to pull Ulquiorra into one more kiss and remind him that if he got a text telling him to meet up then he had to do so. Ulquiorra nodded and headed off to class. The lecture had just started when he entered. This would have terrified him a while back, but right now this was all just background noise. His main attention was on the game going on between himself and Grimmjow, and with that occupying most of his mind he barely paid any attention to those around him. It also helped that the students and the professor didn't even bother to send him a look.

He was half way through the lecture when he got a text from Grimmjow telling him to meet up at a specific room. So without a word he got up and headed out of the lecture hall. It only took him a couple of minutes to walk to where he had been instructed to meet up. He paused for a moment in front of the door and then slowly entered.

Grimmjow was sitting on the teacher’s desk and couldn’t have been smiling any wider had he tried. Ulquiorra closed the door and made his way over to his boyfriend. Grimmjow got to his feet and pulled Ulquiorra close. A forceful kiss was pressed against his lips, and right before Grimmjow pulled back he made sure to bite down on Ulquiorra’s lower lip. It was almost hard enough to break through the skin, and all it did was make Ulquiorra moan. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have had a problem with Grimmjow being even more forceful than that, the pain felt oddly good after all.

“You got here pretty quickly. I guess you’re that eager to get fucked,” Grimmjow grinned and suddenly switched they places, so that Ulquiorra was between Grimmjow and the desk. Then he was spun around and roughly bent over the desk. One of Grimmjow’s hands pressed down on his back to keep him from moving. “You’re lucky I decided to bring lube.”

Ulquiorra didn’t reply, instead he changed his stance a bit, he knew this was going to get rough, and he was very much looking forward to that. He felt Grimmjow undo his pants and allowed them to drop down to his ankle. Right now he felt incredibly exposed, and the thought of someone walking in on them did cross his mind, but it only added to the excitement of this. Grimmjow’s cock was by his entrance, but he had barely time to register that before he pushed inside. Ulquiorra gasped sharply. The lube had most certainly helped make it easier for Grimmjow to enter, but Ulquiorra had not been all that ready for it so there had been a moment of discomfort. Grimmjow did not waste any time before he started to thrust hard, pretty much slamming his hips against Ulquiorra’s rear each time he thrusted in. His hand had moved to grip Ulquiorra’s hair while the other was on his hip.

Damn did it feel good. The hard pace, the hand in his hair. He was going to get sore after this round, but it was going to be worth it. So worth it. He had closed his eyes and just kept his focus on the cock that was moving in and out of him, fucking him with no mercy. Now and then he would remind himself of where they were. There could be people walking by in the hallway, and because of that he did his best to stay perfectly quiet. The only sounds he made was heavy breathing, and Grimmjow appeared to be trying to stay quiet too.

Ulquiorra could tell that Grimmjow was trying to not last for long on purpose, probably to prevent Ulquiorra from reaching climax. How cruel of him. That was probably the most frustrating part of this, Grimmjow not letting him get off. Yet, at the same time, being denied it was something he did enjoy so that’s why he hadn’t actually complained out loud about it.

Grimmjow stilled, his cock deep inside of Ulquiorra as he released inside his smaller boyfriend. Ulquiorra shook his head slightly when Grimmjow decided to release the death grip he had had on his hair. Then Grimmjow slowly stepped back, pulling out of Ulquiorra.

“Stay there,” Grimmjow growled. Ulquiorra did as he was told.

He had no idea what Grimmjow was doing, until he heard the shutter from his phone. Grimmjow was taking pictures. Normally his phone didn’t make sounds when he did that as he had turned that off, but this time he had turned it on just so that Ulquiorra would be aware of what he was doing.

“Are you enjoying the view that much? Just have to save it for later?”

“You have no idea,” Grimmjow purred. “You can return to class now.”

Ulquiorra straightened up and let out a low hiss. Yes, he was sore, and he could feel it whenever he moved. He pulled his pants back on, and turned towards Grimmjow who was watching him with a amused expression.

“Think you’ll be able to walk normally?” Grimmjow laughed. Ulquiorra glared at him.

“I won’t give you the pleasure of seeing me walk funny,” Ulquiorra replied as he walked towards the door. Yeah, it was not comfortable to walk normally, but he had to act like nothing.

“Guess I didn’t fuck you hard enough then.”

Ulquiorra paused to look at him for a moment, pretty much giving him a look that said ‘I dare you to’, then he exited the classroom and walked back to his own lecture. Sitting down was very, very uncomfortable, and no matter how he shifted he couldn’t get comfortable. Damn it Grimmjow!

Next lecture. Nothing special or new to him happening here. The whole time he was pretty much waiting for Grimmjow to send him a text, but he didn’t. He supposed that was good as he could use that short break he got.

Lunch. He got out of the classroom and Grimmjow was there waiting. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the other. What was he planning now? Grimmjow wrapped an arm around Ulquiorra’s shoulders and started to walk down the hallway, and Ulquiorra had no choice but to walk along with him.

“I’m tempted to just force you to walk around for a while,” Grimmjow said.

“Cruel.” The few hours he had been given was absolutely not enough to make him feel less sore.

“Yeah. I guess you need food like everyone else.”

Ulquiorra took a deep breath when he realized they were heading towards the large cafeteria. Well, he had managed to go there several times now, and had other things to focus on right now rather than all the people around them. In fact, right now knowing that there were going to be a lot of people there was oddly arousing. For a moment he wondered how much of a deviant he was.

“We should film us doing it one of these-” Ulquiorra was not allowed to finish that sentence before Grimmjow pushed him inside a empty classroom and slammed him against the wall next to the door. Lips covering Ulquiorra’s in a demanding kiss. Guess he had said something that turned Grimmjow on. He wrapped his arms around Grimmjow and held him close as the kiss turned into a make out session. A muffled sound came from Ulquiorra when he felt a hand groping him, stroking over his growing erection. Damn him, he kept allowing Ulquiorra to calm down, only to arouse him again, and he was sure he was planning to do just that this time too. He was right. Just as Grimmjow was certain Ulquiorra was very aroused he decided to pull away. “Tease.”

Grimmjow grinned and took hold of Ulquiorra’s hand and pulled him along out of there. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to get back at me.”

“Just you wait.”

The grin on Grimmjow’s face only grew, and Ulquiorra couldn’t help but smile a bit too. He already knew what he was going to do in return. All he needed was the perfect opportunity. He was going to show Grimmjow who could be the biggest tease out of the two of them.

They got to the cafeteria, and in line to get food. Ulquiorra tried to look at the menu but Grimmjow was quick to get in the way, and sent Ulquiorra a sharp look. Couldn’t fault him for trying to have a look at what today’s special was, even if he had suspected that Grimmjow was going to decide what he was going to eat.

They got the the front of the line and Grimmjow decided that Ulquiorra was going to eat a hamburger. No protest there. Food was given to them and they found somewhere to sit. There was no one here they knew, and the cafeteria was far from as full as it usually would have been so they had no problem finding a table for themselves.

“There’s only two weeks left,” Ulquiorra commented.

“Fucking insane,” Grimmjow smiled and shook his head. He had taken a seat right next to Ulquiorra and Ulquiorra did his best to ignore the hand that was now on his thigh. Couldn’t leave him alone for one minute now could he?

He pushed the hand away, then continued to focus on the food. Yes, it was insane that this school year was almost over. This was Grimmjow’s last year, so he was soon finished with it all, while Ulquiorra had one more year left. It was so strange to think. Especially since they were looking for a place to live, and might have found a decent apartment to settle down in, for now. They would get a bigger place soon enough, once they both had a job and more money than they did right now.

Grimmjow’s hand was back on his thigh again. So persistent. This time Ulquiorra decided to allow Grimmjow’s hand to stay there until it was time to head back to class. Ulquiorra checked his phone. Lecture started in a couple minute, so he looked over at Grimmjow. He knew he would get stopped if he tried to just get up and walk away.

“Mmm~ Want to get to class?” Grimmjow asked. Ulquiorra nodded. “Well, you’ve been a good boy, so I will let you leave, but if I text you then you have to show up, understood?”

“Yes.”

More sex? He was still incredibly sore from the last round, so he wasn’t sure how much more he would be able to manage, but he was going to see where his limit was. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to use a safeword or two.

He got to class and there was no text from Grimmjow during the whole class. Good. But on his way to the next class he got a text instructing him to go to a specific classroom. It was across campus and Grimmjow was only giving him five minutes. He could get there in ten minutes if he walked quickly, but there was no way he would be able to make it there in five.

“Seriously,” he hissed and put his phone away and started to run as quickly as he could to the destination.

Sadly, he did not have the stamina to run the whole way there, so he did not make it in the time limit that had been given to him. When he reached the room he was gasping for breath, and Grimmjow looked very, very amused.

“You’re late,” Grimmjow commented.

“My apologies,” Ulquiorra managed to say as he closed the door.

“Sadly, that means that I’ll have to punish you,” Grimmjow purred and stalked over to him.

“Fine, just give me a moment.”

“I’m not waiting.”

Ulquiorra pushed him away when he decided to try to grab hold of him, and all Grimmjow did was laugh at him.  
“You’re so persistent,” Ulquiorra hissed.

“I have to be, since you can be a real brat to deal with.”

“I decided to not make things too easy for you.”

Grimmjow chuckled and got close again. Ulquiorra backed away, until he was up against a wall. Well, guess he was trapped here. Oh the horror. Grimmjow placed both hands on the wall on either side of Ulquiorra, like he was trying to trap him there. His lips only an inch away from Ulquiorra’s and their bodies were almost touching.

“Are you going to continue to run?”

“I suppose not, it would be rather hard to get away now.”

He could get away, he could stop this, he knew he held this power if he wished to use it, but he wasn’t going to. It was so strange to know he held all of that power, and yet feel powerless. He loved it.

Grimmjow’s mouth was on his neck. Light kisses first, then open mouth kisses, then there were teeth. He bit down sharply, and Ulquiorra was sure that there was going to be a very clear bitemark there afterwards since that hurt, but it hurt in a good way. Then Grimmjow lifted his head.

“Undo your pants,” Grimmjow whispered against his ear. “I clearly didn’t fuck you hard enough last time, I’ll make up for that this time.”

“I can assure you that you were absolutely rough enough last time,” Ulquiorra replied as he did as he was told.

“That’s not for you to decide. If I say that I wasn’t rough enough, then I wasn’t rough enough.”

Ulquiorra didn’t get a chance to answer as Grimmjow’s lips covered his own soon after. Then Ulquiorra was lifted up and he had been quick to wrap his arms around Grimmjow’s shoulders, and wrapped his legs around Grimmjow’s hips. He felt one of Grimmjow’s hands let go of him, and a moment later he could feel his boyfriend’s cock against his entrance.

Then he pushed his whole length inside. Ulquiorra let out a low groan against Grimmjow’s lips. He could really feel how sore he was right now, and he was uncertain of just how rough he could allow Grimmjow to be. At this point he decided that if the discomfort, or pain, outdid the pleasure then he would get Grimmjow to slow down.

Grimmjow started to thrust. Hard and deep. He was still putting effort into ignoring Ulquiorra’s prostate, just doing what he could not to give Ulquiorra the pleasure he was seeking. Having him be this selfish was both infuriating and incredible. He wasn’t sure exactly what about being used it was he enjoyed so much.

Grimmjow picked up the pace a bit, as if he wasn’t rough enough already. He had also moved his head to bury it against Ulquiorra’s neck and he could hear the low groans and heavy breathing coming from him. Now it was a bit too much for Ulquiorra. It still felt good, but the discomfort was starting to overshadow that.

“Wasp,” he groaned.

Grimmjow immediately slowed down, and Ulquiorra could hear him whisper a quiet ‘sorry’. Ulquiorra found himself smiling a bit. It felt so good that Grimmjow listened to him immediately, and just seeing confirmation that the other was taking the safe words very, very seriously. This did make him feel even safer in the position he was in, even if he had felt perfectly safe before.

The pace was still hard, but it was very tolerable now compared to what it had been like a few moments previously, and the pleasure was outweighing the discomfort by a lot. It really felt so good to have Grimmjow inside of him. Feel him move in and out, going deep and pull out only to thrust deep inside of him again. The girth causing him to feel like he was being filled up each and every time Grimmjow was deep inside of him.

Grimmjow was getting close, but it almost felt like he was trying to hold back a bit. Oh that bastard. Ulquiorra could feel his own climax slowly growing, and just like Ulquiorra knew Grimmjow well enough to know when he was growing close, Grimmjow knew him well enough too. So was he planning to let Ulquiorra get off, or was he just planning to leave him on the edge?

Ulquiorra’s grip on Grimmjow tightened. He was getting close. That was when Grimmjow suddenly stilled, his cock buried deep inside of Ulquiorra as he came. Damn it, he was so close.

“You’re not allowed to touch yourself,” Grimmjow whispered in between heavy breaths.

“You’re cruel.”

Grimmjow chuckled. “That’s your punishment for being late.”

Grimmjow pulled out of Ulquiorra and let him down. Now he was even more sore than he had been before and walking was going to be incredibly uncomfortable, and so was sitting. He was very sure he wouldn’t be able to take one more round without actual damage being caused. 

“Get to your next class,” Grimmjow ordered.

Ulquiorra sent him a short look and pulled his pants back on and walked out of there. Hard and sore, now this was discomfort to the max, and even this he liked, but only because it was Grimmjow who had caused it, because Grimmjow was keeping him in this state and doing this to him.

He got to class and found a empty seat. Thankfully no one commented on his sudden interruption, but he did feel his anxiety make a notable spike when everyone looked at him, the professor even paused for a moment. Okay, that might have been more uncomfortable than how sore he was.

The rest of the day Grimmjow didn’t send him any more texts, thankfully. Classes done for today and he met up with his boyfriend so that they could drive home together. It was still a struggle to walk normally, but he could do it, he was not going to let people around him notice anything. Sadly, he did have a feeling some of those in class had noticed something over the past couple of weeks. With the rumors of him and Grimmjow being together, and Ulquiorra coming and going and some of the ways they had been behaving. He wasn’t sure how well kept this secret was.

Grimmjow was waiting by the car when Ulquiorra appeared and together they got inside. Ulquiorra shifted a bit, trying to get somewhat comfortable, and it only made Grimmjow grin.

“I really did a number on you uh?” Grimmjow commented, he was so incredibly proud of himself right now.

“Over average girth, rough treatment, and three rounds in a day. Yes, I can most certainly feel your handiwork.”

“Left some of my handiwork in you too.”

Ulquiorra felt a shiver run up his back. Yeah, they had had unprotected sex all day, so there was definitely some cum inside of him right now.

Grimmjow started to drive, getting the two of them home. Once they got home and exited the car Grimmjow took a moment to just stand there and stare at his car, prompting Ulquiorra to send him a questioning look.

“One of these days I’ll fuck you either in my car, or lay you over the hood and fuck you,” Grimmjow said.

“Add it to your sex wishlist. We’re slowly working our way through it.”

“That list is going to get so long,” Grimmjow laughed.

They got inside the apartment, and Grimmjow was quick to get the two of them into their room. What was he planning now? More sex? He would not be able to take more so if that was Grimmjow’s plan then he would have to put a stop to all of this.

“Think we should end it here,” Grimmjow said. “So, ladybird?”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ulquiorra agreed. So, they were done… He couldn’t say that knowing this made him feel any different.

“How are you feeling?” Grimmjow asked as he cupped Ulquiorra’s face in his hands.

“Fine, sore, but fine. You weren’t that rough.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to throw you into the deep end either. Gotta slowly get into this sort of stuff.”

Right. That made sense. Slowly figure out where their limits were, and get completely comfortable with each other. Thus far they were doing really well.

“You hungry?” Grimmjow asked. For some reason this question startled him a bit. Okay, maybe he was still a bit in the mindset he had been in all day, where his own desires and what he wanted was to be ignored.

“Yeah.”

“What do you wanna eat?”

Ulquiorra thought for a moment. In the meantime Grimmjow moved his hands away from Ulquiorra’s face and let them run down to his arms and were now slowly rubbing them up and down gently. The soft touch was very appreciated. Actually, it felt really, really nice.

Ah, true, aftercare. He was slowly getting out of the headspace he had been in and he now understood what Grimmjow was saying about feeling emotionally raw. It felt like whatever walls he had to protect himself or keep himself under control was gone.

“Pizza,” Ulquiorra finally said, his voice a bit shaky.

“Order or do you want me to make it for us?”

“Order.”

“Okay. Come here,” Grimmjow said those last two words so softly as he wrapped his arms around Ulquiorra. Oh this felt good. This was just what he had needed!

They stood like that, in silence, for several minutes before Ulquiorra finally lifted his head from Grimmjow’s chest. For a moment there he had worried he would break down, but he hadn’t. He still felt very raw, very vulnerable, and now he was also really tired.

“I’m going to need a shower too,” Ulquiorra whispered.

“Shower first or food first?”

“Food.”

Grimmjow nodded and fished his phone up from his pocket and called their usual pizza place. His other hand was still around Ulquiorra. Once that was done he threw his phone over at their bed and then guided Ulquiorra over to the couch and took a seat there, Ulquiorra following, sitting down on his boyfriend’s lap.

“How are you feeling?” Ulquiorra asked. Yeah, Ulquiorra might get the main focus right now, but he also wanted to make sure Grimmjow was fine.

“I’m good, not really feeling any after effect of what we’ve been doing.” Good to know. Ulquiorra only hummed in response, his head resting on Grimmjow’s shoulder and he closed his eyes. He really was tired, emotionally tired. “This really drained you. I hope you had fun at least.”

“I did. It was a very different experience… and I would do it again,” Ulquiorra replied. He could feel Grimmjow hugging him a bit tighter. “Though… I’m going to need a little sex break now.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Take the time you need.”

Ulquiorra smiled slightly. He knew there would be no pressure, he knew Grimmjow wasn’t going to get annoyed if he took a while. It felt so good to have someone who cared this much for him. A kiss was placed on his forehead and he opened his eyes. He tilted his head up and stole a kiss from Grimmjow’s lips.

Grimmjow’s phone rang. The pizza was here. So Ulquiorra had to get off of his lap so that he could go and fetch it. He watched as his boyfriend jogged out of there, clearly planning to be as quick as he could so that Ulquiorra wouldn’t be alone for too long. This all, both the playing they had been doing earlier and the way Grimmjow was acting now, was making Ulquiorra more and more secure in their relationship, and he was certain he would dare go pretty far while they were exploring and trying out new things.


	27. Tease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Vacation, and then moving across the country, and a new job, a lot of things has been happening, so I haven't had much time or energy to write.

Another exam done, and Ulquiorra only had one left before he was completely done with this year. Two of his classes had finished too, so today he didn’t have to head to university at all. Grimmjow however had to.

Ulquiorra let out a long hum as he watched his boyfriend drag himself out of bed. He knew the other didn’t want to leave, especially since Ulquiorra was staying. How much nicer wouldn’t it be if they both could just stay in bed and cuddle for an hour or so. Sadly, the long morning cuddles would have to wait until weekend, or until they were really done with school, which was very soon. Very, very soon.

Ulquiorra moved so that he was taking up as much space as he could now that he was alone. It had been several days since their little slave play, and since then they had pretty much taken a sex break, in the sense that there was no penetrative sex. Ulquiorra’s body needed some time to recover, but that hasn’t stopped them completely from being sexually active, they could still use their hands and mouth to satisfy each other.

Ulquiorra opened his eyes slightly when he felt weight on the bed. He had fallen asleep for a bit there, so he hadn’t noticed that Grimmjow had finished up in the bathroom, and probably gotten himself something to eat too. Eyes closed again as he felt soft lips make contact with the back of his shoulder, and then slowly make their way across his shoulder to his spine. Grimmjow kissed his way down, and Ulquiorra let out a pleased sound at the contact. That was nice, and it got even better when he felt hands grope his ass. Someone was being very touchy today.

“Shouldn’t you be heading to class?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Yeah,” Grimmjow sighed. “But I would much rather stay here with you.”

“Class, Grimmjow, get going,” Ulquiorra replied.

Grimmjow groaned in annoyance and got off of the bed and Ulquiorra could hear him move around in the room. Then he got over to him again and he felt a kiss being placed on his cheek.

“See you later,” Grimmjow said.

“Later…” 

Ulquiorra was back to being half asleep, and he stayed half asleep for about half an hour, unable to go back to sleep, and at that point he decided to just get out of bed. The first thing he did was shower, which really made sure he was awake. It was strange to have this place to himself. He was so used to Grimmjow always being around him, and knowing that he wasn’t nearby did cause a bit of anxiety to rise within him. How dependent on the other had he become? He pushed it all away, at the back of his mind. Later he would have to talk to Ukitake about this, he didn’t want it to evolve into him being unable to be away from Grimmjow at all.

He had been about to head to his closet to find some clean clothes to wear when he paused. Over the back of the couch was one of Grimmjow’s t-shirts. An idea he had had a few days ago reemerged and he decided to go over and snatched it up. Tossing the towel he had wrapped around himself aside he put the t-shirt on. It was really huge on him, he was pretty much drowning in it, but he knew Grimmjow would have loved to see him wearing it. So. Why not let him have a look?

He headed towards the bed and snatched up his phone on the way there. Sitting down he fixed how the t-shirt was laying over his thighs, so that they were barely covering anything. Just keeping this slightly safe for work, for now. With that fixed he took a picture of himself, holding the phone high and as far away from himself as he could. It didn’t turn out too bad, but it was very strange to take photos of this of himself. However, knowing he was going to send it to Grimmjow was making that strangeness fade and turn into excitement.

He sent the image, not adding any text or anything with it. The phone was placed next to him as he decided to lay down and stretch out on the bed. This was comfortable… but he should probably get something to eat soon… but that meant he would have to put on pants.

His phone made a sound. Grimmjow had replied. So he picked it up to see what he had to say.

Grimmjow: Holy fucking shit, Ulquiorra!  
Ulquiorra: I take it you like what you saw.  
Grimmjow: You have no fucking idea. You better be wearing that, and only that when I get back!  
Ulquiorra: We’ll see. I make no promises.

Then he decided to get out of bed and head into the bathroom. The only place where there was a decent mirror. Hmmm, they should get a large mirror when they moved to a new place. He turned slightly in front of the mirror and pulled the shirt up slightly so that part of his ass was visible when he looked in the mirror. Then he took another picture and sent it to Grimmjow.

He got back into the room and put on a pair of sweatpants and went to the kitchen, his phone left on the couch. Food, he needed to get something to eat. So he got some cereal and eat it rather quickly before returning to the bedroom and of course Grimmjow had responded.

Grimmjow: You’re the worst fucking tease!  
Ulquiorra: How’s that boner of yours doing?  
Grimmjow: Being a huge fucking distraction!  
Ulquiorra: Want me to stop?  
Grimmjow: Hell no!

Ulquiorra smiled slightly to himself. Of course Grimmjow didn’t want him to stop, even if it was not making his current situation any easier. Poor guy, he was just getting reminder after reminder of what he wanted, but he would just have to wait, and Ulquiorra knew how moody Grimmjow could be at times, so he was willing to bet that he was going to be grouchy until he got home.

He removed his pants again and decided to lay down in bed once more, and this time pull the shirt up so that it the hem was resting high on his hips. Now he was showing off a lot more than a bit of leg and ass. He took another picture and sent it to Grimmjow. The phone was placed aside as he decided to turn his computer on so that he could watch a tv series or something. Today he was planning to do absolutely no studying. His brain needed one day off, that was something Ukitake had told him to remember. No breaks were not good for his mental health, and at first he had felt a bit guilty for not studying, but he was dealing a lot better with it now, or as long as he had something to occupy himself with.

It took a bit before Grimmjow replied. Ulquiorra reached out for his phone and smiled a bit to himself as he checked what his boyfriend had to say.

Grimmjow: You’re going to be the death of me. Fuck you’re hot!  
Ulquiorra: Glad you think so.  
Grimmjow: I can’t wait to get back and get a piece of you.  
Ulquiorra: Getting desperate over there?  
Grimmjow: Yes I am.   
Ulquiorra: Still want more?  
Grimmjow: Yes.  
Ulquiorra: You’re saving these images for one day I’m not available, aren’t you?  
Grimmjow: Well, yeah, but also they are too pretty to delete. It would be a waste.

Ulquiorra huffed and shook his head. It was amusing how attracted the other was to him. He had fully accepted Grimmjow’s attraction, and had long since stopped questioning why. Especially since Grimmjow had a habit of throwing compliments at him out of the blue, and really liked to take his time worshipping his body before sex. Slowly touching and kissing him. Then there was the way he looked at him, Ulquiorra could tell how in love Grimmjow was. Once upon a time he would have found that laughable. Someone in love with him.

It was almost lunch now. Hmm. He waited a bit more and then go up and headed to the bathroom. Grimmjow was probably exiting the classroom now. So he stood in the bathroom for a few minutes, just staring at himself. He didn’t look as tired as he once had. Not as thin anymore. He was still thin, but not sickly so. Pale, yes, but it looked a bit more natural now. He looked… healthier. He looked down at his wrists. The scars weren’t as prominent anymore, but they were still very, very visible. So were the other ones on his arms. No new scars on his thighs either. When was the last time he had hurt himself? It had been a while now.

“You’re doing good,” he whispered to himself. He really was. He was healing, and he had come really far.

Once more he looked down at his phone. Well, Grimmjow was probably eating lunch with friends now. So that was the perfect moment. He turned and pulled the shirt up so that his ass was fully exposed, and pulled one cheek away to expose himself properly. It was a bit strange to look at himself in the mirror right now, all exposed, and probably sexy, it would be up to Grimmjow to decide.

He took a picture and sent it to Grimmjow, and then headed out of the bathroom and went back to the tv series he had been watching. It didn’t even take a minute before he was getting messages, and it wasn’t just from Grimmjow this time.

Grimmjow: HOLY FUCK!  
Ulquiorra: I hope you didn’t choke on your food there.  
Grimmjow: Almost! But damn. I don’t know if I'll be able to hold it until I get back.  
Ulquiorra: Then find a place to jerk off.

Szayel: Are you sending nudes to Grimmjow?  
Ulquiorra: Did you see the picture or did Grimmjow’s reaction give it away?  
Szayel: Grimmjow choked on his drink when he looked at his phone, and he had the widest eyes. So it was an easy guess. I can only imagine the boner he is having right now.  
Ulquiorra: He can be very easy to read at times.  
Szayel: But that’s what makes it fun, even for a bystander.  
Ulquiorra: Wish I could have been there to see his reaction.  
Szayel: I’ll take a picture next time, if you send more.

He placed his phone aside and continued to watch the tv show, and about half an hour later his phone made a sound and it was Grimmjow, he had decided to send him a video. Oh? He started the video and it was of Grimmjow jerking off. Ulquiorra couldn’t tell exactly where he was, but that didn’t matter as he was too focused on Grimmjow stroking that thick shaft of his, and the low grunts he was making. It lasted for a couple of minutes before Grimmjow came. Cum shooting out at the wall nearby and Ulquiorra found himself shivering a bit. He wished that cum had been inside of him instead of being wasted on a wall. Oh well, he would get it later.

Ulquiorra: Is this your way of challenging me?  
Grimmjow: I just wanted to return the favor.  
Ulquiorra: Challenge accepted!  
Grimmjow: What?

Ulquiorra placed the phone aside and continued to watch the show, but he wasn’t really paying attention to it, instead he reached down between his legs to slowly stroke his half hard erection. Oh he was going to give Grimmjow some really good pictures. After all, they had toys here, so he could be really creative with this.

He got up and went to the box where all their toys were and started to pick out the ones that might make for good photos. At one point he paused, two dildos in hand. He was really, really turning into an exhibitionist, wasn’t he. Even the thought of people he didn’t know seeing these photos were arousing.

He placed the toys he wanted to use on the bed and fetched the lube, a towel, and his phone. As he sat down he looked at the objects before him. Now, where to start? He reached out for the beads. This would be a nice start. He coated the ones he knew he would be able to get inside of himself with lube, and then started to slowly push them inside, one after another. There was no discomfort, he wasn’t sore or anything anymore. He let out a low moan as he slowly pushed in the largest bead he knew he could take. It felt so good to finally have something inside of him like this. He had really missed it.

He dried the hand he had used to apply lube and push the beads inside of himself, and then shifted he was positioned so that it would be possible for him to pull the beads out and take pictures of himself doing so at the same time. As he had been about to take a photo, he changed his mind and decided he was going to follow Grimmjow’s example and film instead. He pushed record and started to slowly pull the beads out. A low sound slipped past his lips as the bead stretched him open, and then was followed by another one, and another. It felt good to feel them slowly exit him, feeling them open him, feeling them move inside of him.

He filmed until he had pulled five of the eight beads inside of him out and then placed the phone aside as he pulled the last out and the toy was set aside. Now he was almost painfully aroused, but he could deal with it. He snatched his phone up again and sent the video to Grimmjow. While he waited for a response he decided to just let himself calm down, even if the temptation to touch himself and get off was there, but he wanted to be fully hard when he filmed the other videos too.

His phone buzzed.

Grimmjow: You’re fucking perfection, you know that? Holy shit that video was good!

Ulquiorra smiled a bit to himself. That response made him feel really warm inside.

Ulquiorra: Glad you enjoyed it. I’m not done just yet.  
Grimmjow: Thank fuck because I would love more.

Ulquiorra sat up again and looked over the other toys, and decided to go for one of the dildos that looked like it belonged to some sort of monster. It was heavily textured and had a knot at the base. He lubed it up and dried off his hand afterwards. Now how to film this? He decided to lean his phone up on the nightstand, so that he didn’t have to hold it anymore. He pushed record and gave the camera a wink before moving back a bit. Ulquiorra was using the front facing camera on his phone so he could see what was being filmed on the screen. It made this a lot easier.

He first made sure that it was easy to see what was going on, that Grimmjow would get a good view when he slowly lowered himself onto the toy. His back was to the camera but he did turn his head back to look towards the camera. Ulquiorra was still wearing Grimmjow’s shirt, but he had pulled it up to make sure it wasn’t obstructing anything as he was slowly riding the toy. He lowered himself all the way down, taking in all of it, and feeling it stretch him open and fill him up. How he had missed this, but he wished it was Grimmjow’s cock inside of him instead.

Slowly he kept moving up and down along the length of the toy. Soft sounds coming from him every now and then as it was brushing over his prostate or as the bumps and ridges moved over his entrance in a manner that was especially good. He continued for a few minutes and then lifted himself off of the toy and crawled towards the camera.

“You will get the rest when you return,” he said softly and stopped the recording. He sent it to Grimmjow, and now all he had to do was wait. In that time he decided to clean up the toys he had used.

His phone buzzed. Okay, he was almost done with cleanup, so Grimmjow would have to wait a little bit longer. Eventually he got back to the bed and lay down on it while picking up his phone to see what his boyfriend had to say.

Grimmjow: Watching you play like that alone could make me cum. You’re really going to be the death of me.  
Ulquiorra: I suppose I have to stop then, I don’t want to kill you.  
Grimmjow: la petite mort.  
Ulquiorra: I did not expect you to know about that phrase. I will give you bonus point for that.  
Grimmjow: I’m not as dumb as people think I am.  
Ulquiorra: But sometimes you are.  
Grimmjow: Can you not call me out like that?

Ulquiorra felt himself smiling at that. He was smiling a lot today.

Ulquiorra: I will stop when there is no reason for me to call you out.  
Grimmjow: Damn it!  
Ulquiorra: I would apologize, but you know I’m not sorry.  
Grimmjow: OH I KNOW!

They continued to text like this for a while longer, then the conversation died out and Ulquiorra went back to his computer. He had been planning to keep himself aroused until Grimmjow got back, but that would take too long, and arousal had been switched out with something else. He couldn’t exactly name what he was feeling, but it was strong.

It took a couple more hours before Grimmjow returned, and the second he opened the door Ulquiorra got to his feet and headed over towards him. Grimmjow was quick to close the door behind himself and drop his bag to the floor and made his way over to Ulquiorra. Not a word was said, instead their lips met in a heated kiss. Grimmjow’s arms wrapped around Ulquiorra tightly.

“You’ve been a real tease all day,” Grimmjow whispered against his lips.

“And you enjoyed it.”

“Hell yes, I did.” Grimmjow was grinning now. He let go of Ulquiorra and took a step back. Now really looking him over. “That’s all you’ve been wearing all day?”

“Yes.”

Grimmjow let out a short chuckle and removed the jacket he was wearing and threw it over the couch, and soon his shirt followed it.

“It looks really good on you. You should steal my shirts more often.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

Grimmjow erased the distance between them and proceeded to pick Ulquiorra up and carried him over to their bed. Ulquiorra was placed down onto his back and Grimmjow was quick to climb on top of him. Their lips met again, and it only took a second for tongue to be added. It was slow, and it was clear that the mood meant they would be taking their time.

A pleased noise came from Ulquiorra when he felt his boyfriend run a hand up his thigh and hip, and was pushing the shirt up over his stomach. Ulquiorra had been about to get ready to remove it when Grimmjow paused the make out to tell him not to. Okay, that was not a problem. With more skin exposed Grimmjow decided to slowly caress Ulquiorra’s stomach, hips, thighs, and now and then also moving up to his chest. It was slow, but not too slow, so it did excite him and he could feel himself getting turned on, and his cock was almost fully hard.

Grimmjow wasn’t the only one doing some caressing. Ulquiorra’s own hands were slowly exploring Grimmjow’s upper body, tracing muscles and feeling the other lean into the touch or tighten his muscles just to show off. It did make Ulquiorra smile a bit. Silly Grimmjow. At one point he had just placed his hand on Grimmjow’s chest. He could feel the other’s heart beat underneath the palm of his hand, and it was beating quickly. His hand slid up, and rested at the back of Grimmjow’s neck.

Grimmjow’s hands moved away, but he did not break away from the kiss until he had to. When he eventually did it was to properly get rid of the rest of his clothes. Ulquiorra lifted himself up on his elbows as he watched his boyfriend. His eyes lingering on Grimmjow’s erection when it was freed from his pants. Grimmjow did notice the other staring and it only caused him to smirk and wink at Ulquiorra. Dork.

Once his clothes were gone Grimmjow fetched the lube and then settled between Ulquiorra’s legs. For a moment he just sat there and looked the other over. Then he leaned down to steal a kiss, and then another, from Ulquiorra’s lips. That calm mood was still over them, this was not going to be a rough round, and Ulquiorra knew that no kinks would be added. It didn’t bother him. It was nice that the main focus was just on the two of them being together rather on the kinks they were having fun with.

Grimmjow’s mouth moved to Ulquiorra’s neck. Tongue playfully running over the most sensitive spot on Ulquirra’s neck, followed by teeth gently pulling at the skin. No marks would be left after they were done here. Ulquiorra gasped when he felt Grimmjow’s cock prod at his entrance. Then he slowly entered. It was such an amazing sensation to feel Grimmjow inside of him. His cock opening up, stretching him, and filling him up.

A long shaky sigh came from Grimmjow and he lifted his head from Ulquiorra’s neck. “Fuck I’ve missed this,” he smiled. “I swear you’re turning me into a sex addict.”

“You always had a high libido, I doubt I have done anything to increase that,” Ulquiorra commented.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Grimmjow whispered, followed by a low groan as he slowly pulled almost all the way out, and pushed back inside. The pace he was going at was slow, but not torturously so.

Ulquiorra didn’t get the chance to reply as Grimmjow kissed him.

Low gasps, and groans, muffled by the kisses, was all that could be heard for a while. Grimmjow picked up the pace a bit, and was now angling each thrust to hit Ulquiorra’s prostate properly. It was so good. Each thrust sending ripples of pleasure through him, but the pace was slow enough so that he would last for a while.

Grimmjow decided to sit up, both his hands on Ulquiorra’s hips as he continued to thrust. Once again he picked up the pace. Was he planning for them to cum soon? He guessed so and he was not complaining. Not at all. His eyes half lid as he looked up at his boyfriend who clearly could not take his eyes off of him right now. He found himself wondering what was going on inside Grimmjow’s mind when he was looking at him like this. All he knew was that the other clearly enjoyed the view. His eyes shifting from Ulquiorra’s face and then to look down and watch his own cock go in and out of his smaller lover. One of these days he should really film what that looked like, Ulquiorra would like to see.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and just focused on the sensation of Grimmjow moving in and out. The pace increased again, and Grimmjow was moving rather fast and hard now. He was getting close, but he could clearly tell that Ulquiorra wasn’t as close since he wrapped a hand around Ulquiorra’s cock and started to stroke him along with each thrust.

The orgasm that had been slowly building within him was now growing at a much, much faster pace, and because of that the low sounds he had been making were coming much more frequently, and they sounded so incredibly needy. It was only making the smile on Grimmjow’s lips grow. He was so pleased each and every time he was getting these sort of reactions out of Ulquiorra. It didn’t matter how often they did it, he just kept looking proud and pleased with himself whenever he knew he was getting Ulquiorra close to climax, and even more so once Ulquiorra came.

He didn’t bother to warn Grimmjow that he was close, the other already knew how close he was. So when he came it was no surprise to the other, and Ulquiorra knew Grimmjow was watching him closely the whole time, just enjoying the sight. Grimmjow had made that a habit, to have Ulquiorra come just before himself.

Ulquiorra had just been on his way down from the high when Grimmjow came inside of him. Though he couldn’t feel it, just knowing the cum was inside of him sent a shiver through him. They really were not going back to using condoms anytime soon.

Grimmjow decided to pretty much lay down on top of Ulquiorra, using his elbows to prevent all the weight of his body from being on top of his smaller lover. For a moment they just stayed like that, both breathing heavily and enjoying the feeling of having the other close while relaxing in the afterglow. This was nice. Ulquiorra kept his arms draped around Grimmjow. His fingers drawing random patterns over his skin.

“Ulquiorra,” Grimmjow whispered and lifted his head so that their eyes could meet.

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

Ulquiorra’s eyes widened, and for a moment it felt like his heart had stopped. Was this real? Had Grimmjow just said those words? A wave of emotions and thoughts flooded his mind, and he feared he was going to have a panic attack right then and there, and he only thing keeping that from happening was Grimmjow moving off of him and hugged him close and told him to focus on his breathing. Grimmjow had known exactly what had been about to happen and had acted immediately. So for a while they just stayed there, Ulquiorra’s face buried against Grimmjow’s naked chest while Grimmjow was talking to him softly to give him something to focus on other than his mind.

“Can you… say it again?” Ulquiorra asked once he had calmed down, and now he was just even more tired.

“I love you. I really do,” Grimmjow whispered.

Ulquiorra hugged him even closer. It felt so unreal to hear those words being said to him, but now it was slowly starting to sink in. Part of him wanted to tell Grimmjow that he was lying, that he couldn’t possibly love him, but that would have been so incredibly insulting of him to do, and besides, he had seen proof that Grimmjow did care that deeply for him. Grimmjow did love him. He did.

“Grimmjow,” he whispered, his voice shaky.

“It’s okay, just let it out,” Grimmjow whispered. “Guess it was a bit much for you to hear.”

“A bit,” Ulquiorra managed. It was such a heavy word to use, and he wasn’t sure if he should say it in return. He cared deeply, deeply, for Grimmjow, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to say ‘I love you’ to him yet.

“It’s okay if you don’t say it in return,” Grimmjow whispered, he knew Ulquiorra well enough to know what was going on inside his mind right now.

“I will say it when I’m ready,” Ulquiorra whispered.


	28. Relapse

“He told me he love me.”

“How did that make you feel?”

Ulquiorra let out a sigh as he took a moment to think, letting himself relive that moment one more time. “It felt unreal,” he replied. “I almost couldn’t believe he had actually told me that he love me, and then there were so many feelings. It was overwhelming. I could barely breathe.” He paused. “Then… I felt happy, it was a kind of happiness I haven’t really felt before. It still lingers.”

Ukitake frowned a bit. “But you appear upset, why is that?”

“It’s just a lot. It’s like I’m feeling something completely new and I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it yet.”

“Can you explain what this new feeling feels like? Do you have any words to describe it?”

Ulquiorra was quiet for a while. “Um… I can’t. I… I feel too much. It’s like I can’t grasp the emotions I’m looking for.”

Ukitake leaned forward a bit. “This is a new and big development for you, and we know that new and unexpected things is one of the things we’re working on, but this is also something very big emotionally for you. For now our focus will be to properly work through this, okay? To sort through what you’re feeling right now and identify all the things you’re feeling.”

Ulquiorra nodded. It would take time, he hadn’t had issues like this since he had started to come to Ukitake, but it was something he had expected. The path towards becoming functioning and healthy wasn’t always a straight road. Sometimes it twisted and turned and sometimes you even ended up further back on the path when it felt like you were moving forward the whole time. He knew that.

So they started to pick apart what he was feeling, trying to identify the various things he was feeling. They didn’t get very far, and for most of if there was no talking as Ukitake gave Ulquiorra whatever time he needed to try to identify anything. The only thing he felt that he managed to identify was anxiety. Sadly, before they could get any further than that the hour was up, and Ukitake reminded him that if there was anything then he could call.

Ulquiorra had just nodded and walked out and saw that Grimmjow had already arrived. He got inside his boyfriend’s car and Grimmjow leaned over to place a kiss on his cheek before running his fingers through Ulquiorra’s hair.

“Managed to get anywhere, or are you still in a funk?”

“Well… we managed to get started, but that’s about it.”

Grimmjow looked at him for a moment, a slight frown upon his face. “You sure you’re up for it? Looking at what could become our new apartment?”

He nodded. “I think I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

Grimmjow started the car and they headed towards what would hopefully be their new home. It was strange to think about… they were going to rent together, they would really live together.

“Hey. Ulqui? You sure you’re okay?”

Ulquiorra blinked. Were they there already? He looked around. Yes, this was the place, and car had stopped. He turned his head towards Grimmjow and was met by a worried look.

“You’re entirely sure this isn’t too much for you?”

“I want to go with you.”

“But should you?”

“I’ll walk back to the car if it’s too much.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

Grimmjow leaned over and kissed him. Ulquiorra’s eyes closed, one hand gripping the front of his shirt to keep him from pulling away too soon. The kiss helped quiet his mind, but it was only a temporary fix, but he really needed that right now.

Slowly they broke away from the kiss and stepped out of the car. The parking was at the back of the building where they would get the first floor of the house, if they got it that is. Grimmjow typed away on his phone as they got closer, and soon an elderly woman appeared. The owners of the house lived next door, and the whole house they were standing in front of right now was being rented out. It was divided into three apartments.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you. Come, come and I’ll show you.”

She really didn’t appear to care at all that they were two men about to rent an apartment that only had one bedroom. Ulquiorra wasn’t entirely sure how much she knew since Grimmjow was the one who had done the talking.

They walked up to the door of the apartment and she unlocked it and let the two of them inside. Entrance hall and then straight into what would be the living room. There were no furniture in the living room, though there was a kitchen part of it that did have a fridge and freezer combo, a stove and a microwave. From here there were two doors and Ulquiorra opened the first one into what was clearly the bedroom. It was bigger than he had expected. He took a few steps inside and looked around. One wall was just closets, so there was plenty of space. As he stood there he felt Grimmjow walk up behind him and wrap his arms around him.

“Plenty of space for a big bed.”

“Yes, some more space would really be appreciated. The one we’re sleeping in right now is barely big enough for the two of us.”

“And more space for fun too.”

Grimmjow let go of Ulquiorra and gave his ass a playful pat as he walked on. Ulquiorra only sent him a short look and stepped outside. The other door had been opened and the bathroom was there. Shower and a bathtub? Neat. There was plenty of space for towels and such in there too. He walked over to the kitchen area where Grimmjow was busy inspecting. It was first now that Ulquiorra noticed that there was a dishwasher there too.

“The washing machine is in the room where the water heater is. You can access it from the entrance hall,” the lady said as she had noticed them both just walking by.

Grimmjow looked over at Ulquiorra. “What do you think? Can you see yourself living here with me?”

Ulquiorra took a deep breath and looked around, in his mind imagining how this place could look. “Yes.” It was barely above a whisper.

“Is there anyone else interested in this place, or do we get it without having to fight?” Grimmjow asked with a grin as he turned towards the old lady.

“There has been one or two, but from the conversations we’ve had with you we decided that we wanted you two to rent, so there is no one else. This place is yours from next month on, but it’s okay if you start the ‘moving in’ process a week earlier than that, since I understand you will have to get furniture, and that can take a bit of time, and this place is just standing here empty either way.”

“Great!” Grimmjow beamed.

“Do you want to discuss the contract while we’re here?” the old lady asked.

“Sure. Ulqui… Ulqui, you okay there?”

Ulquiorra blinked. Oh he was barely able to stay focused right now. “I’ll wait by the car. I trust you can handle this without me. Just fetch me when you need my signature.”

“Okay, just take it easy there.”

Ulquiorra nodded and walked outside. The first thing he did was take a deep breath. He felt weird, calm, but it was like calm before the storm, like something was just under the surface, about to break through. Though when he noticed himself rubbing at his arm where the old scars where, that was when he knew just how bad this was. The urge was back, and since he hadn’t had to deal with it in a while, it was really bad. It was so tempting to try to scratch his skin open, just because he didn’t have anything sharp nearby, so instead he stuffed his hands into his pockets to try to prevent himself from causing harm. He had come this far, he couldn’t fall back on old habits.

He had to tell Grimmjow.

For now he just stood there and took deep, slow breaths. He needed to keep calm, to keep his mind on something that would help him. Maybe he should call Ukitake. He knew that was an option, but he was always very, very hesitant to call his therapist.

“Ulqui.”

He opened his eyes and found Grimmjow standing in front of him. Carefully his boyfriend placed his hands on Ulquiorra’s arms and started to slowly rub up and down.

“You’re not okay.”

“I’m not,” Ulquiorra sighed. “We can talk about it when we get home, okay.”

“Okay. Think you can sign the papers, or should we do that another day?”

“No, I can do it now.”

Grimmjow nodded and stepped aside and followed Ulquiorra inside to the kitchen area where the landlady was with the papers. Ulquiorra took them and looked over what was stated in the contract. It looked good. Water and electricity was part of the rent. Internet and tv was something they would provide on their own, good, Ulquiorra would prefer that they do that themselves, and Grimmjow knew that. Everything else looked good, from what he could process right now, so he signed what needed to be signed.

“That’s great. Any other questions?” the old lady asked.

“No, not yet.”

“Great. Just let me know when you’re starting the move in process and I will hand you the keys.”

With that they all left. She went back to her house, and Grimmjow and Ulquiorra went to the car. Once inside Ulquiorra let out a long sigh, and for a moment he caught himself rubbing a hand over some of the scars again. He was itching to create more of them, and he hated it, which only made the urge even stronger.

“Hey.” Grimmjow reached over and took hold of one of Ulquiorra’s hands. “Got some bad thoughts there?”

“Yes.”

“You want to hurt yourself?”

Ulquiorra swallowed hard. “Yes.” He hated admitting that out loud.

“Okay. We’re going to take it really easy for the rest of the day. You’ll get through this.”

Ulquiorra only nodded in response, and with that Grimmjow removed his hand from him and started the car. Nothing much was said on the way home, but once they were back at the student accommodation building and out of the car, Grimmjow had been quick to take hold of Ulquiorra as they headed into the building.

Immediately to the room and Grimmjow guided Ulquiorra over to the couch and made him sit down as he found a dumb movie and then typed something on his phone before taking a seat next to Ulquiorra and held him close.

“You’re doing good, just try to calm down and maybe then it’ll be easier to deal with,” Grimmjow said. “I know a lot has been happening recently, I’m sorry it got a bit too much for you.”

Ulquiorra shook his head. “Don’t apologize, but yes, it did get a bit much, though I’m… glad you told me that you love me, and I do look forward to moving in with you. It’s just two very big things that has made me feel a lot of things happening at once.”

“Yeah, I get that. So you just gotta power through and deal with all those pesky emotions,” Grimmmjow said that with a small smile and Ulquiorra found himself smiling slightly too.

He leaned against his boyfriend, and tried to keep his focus on the movie, and now and then the small conversations that would arise. Then there was suddenly a knock on the door and Grimmjow got up, after giving Ulquiorra a quick kiss, and opened it. When he walked back to the couch he had several kinds of snacks and pastries… and all of them were ones Ulquiorra really liked.

“You texted someone to get this here so you wouldn’t have to go to the store yourself, right?” Ulquiorra asked as he picked up a donut. “Was it because you feared I would hurt myself while you were gone, or because you just didn’t want me to be alone for that long.”

“I think you would have been able to resist the urge, but in the state you’re currently in, I would prefer to be with you for as long as I can without having to go into another room, just in case you need me.”

Ulquiorra nodded and continued to eat, his gaze back on the tv. This was kind of nice, but it didn’t solve the problem, but it did let him cool down so that he would be able to deal with the real issue. For a brief moment he looked over at Grimmjow when a kiss was pressed against the side of his head, and Grimmjow took the opportunity to kiss his lips too.

“You’ll make it through, and I’ll be there with you. No matter what I’m not fucking leaving you,” Grimmjow whispered as he pulled away.

“I know.”

He truly did, and knowing that Grimmjow was by his side no matter how difficult things got, it made everything a lot easier to handle.


	29. School's over

“I’M DONE! NO MORE SCHOOL! FOREVER!” Grimmjow pretty much screamed out, causing Ulquiorra to take a few steps away to get away from the noise.

“You don’t have to scream, I’m right here.”

Grimmjow turned towards the other with a wide grin, he was pretty much beaming right now. “You’ll know what this feels like next year when you’re done.”

“It all depends if you passed everything. We won’t get any exam results until another month or so.”

Grimmjow rose an eyebrow at his boyfriend. “You worried I won’t pass?”

“Not really,” Ulquiorra shrugged.

“It’s fine to be optimistic at times.”

“If you’re pessimistic then you’re ready for the negative outcome, and positively surprised by a positive outcome.”

“If you’re pessimistic then waiting for that result will be a negative experience and weigh you down. Being optimistic doesn’t mean I’m not ready in case something doesn’t turn out the way I expected.”

Ulquiorra didn’t respond, he just looked over at the other who was sending him the widest grin he possibly could. Well, he couldn’t really argue with the point he made, and every now and then Grimmjow did come with comments like this he couldn’t shut down in any way.

“I suppose you’re right,” he finally decided to say. They had reached Grimmjow’s car and got inside.

“You worried about your exam results?”

“No. I know I passed.”

“See, now you’re not being pessimistic.”

“It would be a miracle if I failed. The questions were so easy I sometimes wondered if they were trick questions,” Ulquiorra sighed and checked his phone. “The bed should arrive in about an hour, so should we just pick up food on the way there?”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Grimmjow agreed.

They had been going a bit back and forth between the student accomodation and their future apartment. At first Grimmjow would have to do so alone since Ulquiorra had been a bit too overwhelmed, but once he had managed to calm down enough to deal with this change they had started to look for furniture. The first furniture they had bought was a couch, and just placing it in their living room had been enough for Ulquiorra to have a mild break down. Once more the reality of this new change was hitting him. The rest of that day they had taken it rather easy.

The next things they had decided to buy were kitchen supplies, so now the kitchen was stocked with everything they needed. It had taken a few trips to do so however, as whenever they got to their new place they would both realize things they needed, and another trip was needed to get more things. Ulquiorra was also sure they would have to buy even more for the kitchen in the future as surely they still had forgotten something.

Now it was the bed frame that was arriving, and that would be the first piece they would have to put together, which was going to be an interesting experience. Either bonding experience, or cause frustration.

They could still stay at the student accomodation for two more weeks, so they weren’t necessarily in a hurry, but it would be good to get out of there and into their new place as soon as possible.

Then in the middle of all of this Grimmjow also had some upcoming job interviews. It would be strange to have him working instead of studying. From now on Ulquiorra would have to deal with them spending more time apart, and in a way he supposed that was good. He couldn’t continue to depend so heavily on Grimmjow.

Grimmjow stopped the car in front of a Chinese take away place.

“Any wishes, or do you want me to just get you something?” Grimmjow asked.

“Fried rice.”

“Good choice,” Grimmjow smiled and place a light kiss on Ulquiorra’s cheek before exiting the car and heading into the take away. It didn’t take long for him to return and pretty much placed the bag with food onto Ulquiorra’s lap.

With that they were on their way once more, and within a couple of minutes they had parked in front of their new home, and got out of the car. They both had each their key to the place now, but Grimmjow was the first to pull his out and unlocked the door.

“So we’ll find a mattress next, and then a computer table, right?” Ulquiorra asked as he kicked off his shoes and walked over to the couch to sit down and start eating.

“We have a fucking list of things we need,” Grimmjow sighed as he joined him. “Like curtains. Never fucking thought I would think about damn curtains. Can’t fuck you on every surface on this place without them, don’t need to turn us into accidental exhibitionists.”

Ulquiorra rose an eyebrow at the other, but said nothing.

They continued to eat, while discussing what else they needed. Table, a place for the tv. More closet space. Things for the bathroom. Shelves. Chairs. There was so much, and Ulquiorra was sure that they would spend the whole rest of the year just realizing one thing after another they needed.

Food was consumed, and the conversation continued.

“There’s a party tomorrow, to celebrate that we’re all over and done with school, either forever or until fall,” Grimmjow said.

“You want to go?” Ulquiorra asked.

“Yeah, it’s the usual gang, so it should be rather chill, and feel more like a get together than a actual party.”

Ulquiorra nodded. “We still have plenty of alcohol so at least we won’t have to worry about that.”

Grimmjow hummed in response and looked over at the other. Ulquiorra could immediately tell what he was thinking so when he leaned in to press his lips against Ulquiorra’s, Ulquiorra was already reaching out for him. The kiss started soft, sweet, but soon enough Ulquiorra found himself getting pushed back. Now he was laying down on the couch, and Grimmjow had crawled on top of him. Lips parted, and tongue was added to the kiss. Ulquiorra’s hands wrapped around Grimmjow’s shoulders, and fingers tangled in his hair, wanting to keep him there for as long as possible.

Grimmjow’s phone started to ring.

“Damn timing,” Grimmjow mumbled as he pulled back and sat up.

“Well, we would have had to stop eventually either way, as there’s still no curtains in place,” Ulquiorra replied.

“I know, I know,” Grimmjow huffed with a smile and picked up his phone. “Hello? … Okay, we’ll come outside, just a second.”

They both got up and headed over to the door. Grimmjow was the first one out, and outside was the delivery company. The delivery man and Grimmjow carried the heaviest boxes together into the bedroom, while Ulquiorra managed the smallest and lightest ones. The whole time the deliveryman didn’t really say anything, and just kept sending Grimmjow and Ulquiorra glares, as though he expected them to suddenly do something awful, though Ulquiorra could immediately tell what the other’s deal was. The man drove away without a word or even a look at them, it looked like he was happy to just get out of there as quickly as he could.

“At least he tried to stay professional,” Ulquiorra sighed as they got back inside with the last box.

“Yeah. You should have seen him earlier, I apparently got too close since he stepped away and tensed up,” Grimmjow replied and shook his head.

“Someone should tell him that you can’t catch the gay by being near someone who’s in a relationship with another man.”

“Well, he is not our problem anymore.”

Ulquiorra stretched out as the last box was placed down. He hadn’t realized just how many pieces there were, so this looked like it would take the rest of the day.

“Ready to begin?” Grimmjow asked, and without waiting for an answer he went and opened a random box.

“Maybe start with the one that has a number one on it,” Ulquiorra suggested.

“I guess.”

They were quick to realize that Ulquiorra was much better at following and understanding instructions than Grimmjow, but Grimmjow had the physical strength to deal with the heavy lifting much better than Ulquiorra. Thankfully, Grimmjow would take directions once they were properly explained to him.

“No, not that piece, the one next to it,” Ulquiorra commented as he looked from Grimmjow to the instruction paper.

“This one?”

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Can you bring me the screws then? I only have so many arms at my disposal.”

Ulquiorra quickly fetched what Grimmjow needed, and then proceeded to hold the piece in place while Grimmjow attached it to the rest. Then it was on to the next. The whole ordeal was going by a lot more smoothly than he had expected. No arguing, no one getting irritated at each other. Now and then they might get irritated at the instructions, but never at each other. Ulquiorra had worried they would start a fight over this, as he had heard so many others do.

Within the a couple of hours they were done, though it felt like they had been working for much longer, and Ulquiorra especially was beat. He was not used to physical work like this.

“The bed looks a lot bigger than I had expected it to,” Grimmjow chuckled.

“I suppose,” Ulquiorra hummed. It was going to be nice to have proper space when sleeping, even if they were still probably going to be holding each other close.

“We should move it closer to that wall,” Grimmjow commented and nodded towards the wall ahead of them. They had pretty much built it in the middle of the floor.

“Yeah,” Ulquiorra agreed with a sigh. He had no idea how he was going to have any energy to do anything for the rest of the day. Once they got back home they would probably do a bit of packing. Most of Grimmjow’s things were here in boxes, so it was just Ulquiorra’s things left.

With the bed placed where they wanted it both of them took a step back. Yet another piece added to their new home. It was so surreal.

“It’s strange to think that we are going to live here… together,” Ulquiorra commented.

“I think it’s fucking awesome. Really looking forward to all this moving is done, it’s a fucking hassle,” Grimmjow replied.

Ulquiorra only sent him a short look instead of a reply.

They stayed for a while longer before heading back to the student accommodation, and they got some food on the way back as they were both getting hungry. Once home they did nothing, just curled up on the couch to watch tv, and only moved once they decided to eat the food they had brought.

The next day they went out to look at mattresses. Thankfully Ulquiorra knew how big it needed to be, as Grimmjow had completely forgotten that measurements might be needed for this purchase. Sadly, they didn’t find one they liked this time, but Ulquiorra managed to snatch up a few smaller purchases that would be needed for their place. So with that done they went to their new apartment and dropped that off before food, and then it was home to get ready for the upcoming party.

“Where is the party at?” Ulquiorra asked as he slipped his phone into his pocket wallet. Apparently they were getting picked up, so they didn’t have to worry about transportation there.

“Rukia’s place.”

Ulquiorra thought for a moment, trying to see if he could remember where that was. Rukia was someone he hadn’t much, if any, time with. She usually was around Ichigo, and she had dropped by to visit Orihime, but besides that he hadn’t really had a conversation with her. With that, he didn’t know where she lived, and knowing he was going to an unknown place to a party hosted by someone he didn’t really know, he could feel anxiety rising.

He looked over at his computer for a second and had to do his best to resist the urge to turn it on and gather all the information he could on her just to make her feel like less of a stranger, but he had promised to not do that anymore. Thus far he had managed pretty well. He only used his hacking skills for money now, which wasn’t exactly legal, but at least he wasn’t stalking anyone anymore. Right?

“Ride is here,” Grimmjow said and picked up the alcohol they were bringing with them.

Ulquiorra followed along. Ichigo was the one picking them up, but he was not going to drive them from the party was he was planning to stay the night, together with a few more of Rukia’s closest friends. Orihime was apparently there already, so that’s why she wasn’t being picked up now too.

“How’s the new apartment looking?” Ichigo asked as they got into his car.

“Good. Still missing a shit ton of things,” Grimmjow replied.

“Planning to have a get together or something once everything is in place?” Ichigo asked.

“We haven’t really talked about that,” Ulquiorra sighed. “For now it would be best to take one thing at a time.” He didn’t want to overwhelm himself, and thinking about people visiting… that was uncomfortable. He was not used to visitors. Even now people didn’t really visit his dorm, it was just his and Grimmjow’s space… and the thought of another person stepping inside. He guessed he would have to get used to that at some point, but he would have to talk to Grimmjow, and his psychologist about this. It was something that hadn’t really been brought up.

“Yeah, I agree. We’ve got enough on our plate right now,” Grimmjow added and scratched the back of his head.

“That’s fair enough. If you need any help, don’t hesitate to ask,” Ichigo said with the brightest smile.

“Thanks for the offer, but I think we can manage,” Grimmjow replied.

It didn’t take them very long to get to the building. It was a rather large house, which made sense as Ichigo had filled them in on some information about Rukia. Apparently she was adopted into a rather rich family, and she lived here with her brother, and as her brother was currently on a business trip she decided that she could host the party.

They got out of the car and walked up to the door. They didn’t even have to knock or ring the doorbell before it opened as Orihime had clearly seen them drive up to the house and had been ready to almost knock them out with the door as she opened it. It barely missed Ichigo who had to jump back, and knocked Ulquiorra into Grimmjow.

“Welcome!” she beamed.

“You’re already drunk, aren’t you?” Grimmjow asked as they walked inside. He just got a giggle in response. Looks like she had started to drink a while ago.

Shoes off, and jackets removed. Then they were given a quick tour by Orihime.

“One of the bathrooms is down that hallway, the door right at the end, then this is the kitchen. Just place your things here. Then in here we have the living room, and then over there, that door there, is another bathroom, and then there is one more upstairs.”

“You guys are giving her water, right?” Ichigo asked as he looked over at the people sitting around a table. Ulquiorra knew most of them, so meeting the strangers that were also here didn’t make him very anxious, and he was sure that little bit of anxiety that was still clinging to him would disappear as soon as he started drinking.

“Well, yes, but we can’t exactly control her or what she is drinking,” Shinji replied with a shrug and then took a sip from his whiskey.

Grimmjow dragged Ulquiorra with him back into the kitchen so that they could get themselves something to drink.

“How are you feeling?” Grimmjow asked as he got glasses for them both.

“I’m okay, and you?”

Grimmjow paused for a second. “Anxious. I hate it.”

“Understandable. Try to focus your attention on something else. I’m sure the feeling will slowly fade as long as you don’t give it much attention,” Ulquiorra replied and gave Grimmjow a pat on the back before turning his attention to the alcohol covering the whole counter. Someone had gone overboard when bringing things, since there was a lot here.

With drinks in hand, they both returned to the rest of the group and found themselves somewhere to sit. It wasn’t next to each other, but it was fine. Ulquiorra was in a chair of his own while Grimmjow was between Aizen and Shinji.

“So tell us, what’s your new apartment like?” Orihime chirped up.

“I swear everyone is moving these days,” Shinji commented and took a sip from his drink.

“Because school is over, and many are graduating,” Aizen replied and Shinji just made a vague hand gesture in response, clearly not wanting to hear the other’s logic right now.

“Well, it’s nice, still very empty, but we’re slowly getting furniture in place,” Ulquiorra replied.

“You buying used?” Shinji asked.

“No, we’re buying new stuff, but not anything crazy expensive, so of course we gotta assemble this stuff ourselves,” Grimmjow replied with a shrug.

“That’s gonna be a real relationship test,” Shinji chuckled.

“Not really,” Ulquiorra said slowly. “We communicate well, so it hasn’t been an issue thus far.”

“Wow. I remember when another couple of friends of mine were moving together. Just picking out what was to be in the apartment was a nightmare, they couldn’t really agree on anything,” Renji commented.

“Then they’ve got issues,” Grimmjow shrugged.

“Harsh,” Shinji chuckled against the rim of his glass.

The conversation quickly moved on, and it was on to whatever they were all doing now. Since some had graduated, it was talk about work, finding somewhere in their field. Aizen had already landed himself a job, and Grimmjow was still looking. The rest were either taking a long vacation or planning to work through the summer. Some were travelling, some were not.

One drink turned to two, and soon enough Ulquiorra was on his third drink. He could feel that he was affected by it, but still in control of everything, but he figured he should get a glass of water after this one.

He looked over at Grimmjow for a moment, who had appeared a bit quieter than usual for the past fifteen or so minutes. Hopefully everything was okay, but he didn’t want to call him out right now when everyone else was there. Quickly he swallowed the rest of the content in his glass and got up and headed into the kitchen. On the way he had caught Grimmjw’s gaze and he could tell the other was planning to follow him. Good, that would give him the perfect opportunity to ask him if he was okay.

He placed the glass on the kitchen counter and turned around. Grimmjow was quickly making his way over to him, and Ulquiorra quickly recognized the look in his eyes. No, Grimmjow hadn’t been quiet because he had been feeling unwell, he had most likely let his mind wander, and managed to turn himself on, since there was most certainly want in the look he gave Ulquiorra now.

The distance between them closed, and Grimmjow wrapped an arm around Ulquiorra’s mid section and pulled him flush against himself as he leaned down and pressed his lips against the smaller male. Ulquiorra let out a small hum against Grimmjow’s lips. A shiver ran down his spine at the aggression the other was displaying. Grimmjow knew just what to do to turn Ulquiorra on, and at times it felt unfair, but he was not going to tell him to stop doing it.

Ulquiorra felt one of Grimmjow’s hands moved to his ass and gave it a gentle squeeze. Oh Ulquiorra was fully aware of what the other’s intentions were, and he wouldn’t be surprised if Grimmjow had taken lube with him as he usually always carried some with him. It was a habit he had really started since they had had sex at the university more than a couple of times thus far. Though lately they hadn’t been as active due to everything going on.

“Come with me,” Grimmjow whispered as he broke away from the kiss and then stepped away, only to take Ulquiorra’s hand and pull him along.

They headed straight for the bathroom at the end of the hall, and once they were inside, Grimmjow was quick to lock the door behind them and then his attention was immediately back on Ulquiorra.

The bathroom was large, larger than what Ulquiorra thought necessary. Though, at least that made this all a lot easier for them, gave them the room needed. Ulquiorra was not a fan of sex in small spaces, like the shower. He had quickly realized that shower sex was not really his thing, it was cramped and awkward, and water did nothing to help with lubricant. Handjobs or blowjobs in the shower was fine, but nothing more.

Hands going under clothes. Ulquiorra let out a muffled sound as Grimmjow’s hand moved up his stomach and to his chest, taking care to pinch and play with a nipple once he got there. Grimmjow’s other hand had started to work on removing Ulquiorra’s pants. All the while Grimmjow’s mouth was on Ulquiorra’s, his tongue playing and brushing against Ulquiorra’s own.

He could tell Grimmjow was impatient, eager, and the fact that he was pretty much just doing as he pleased turned him on even more. Grimmjow pulled back, a smirk forming on his lips as Ulquiorra leaned slightly after him, not wanting the heated make out to end so soon.

“Fuck you’re hot,” Grimmjow purred.

A slight smile pulled at the corners of Ulquiorra’s lips, but before he could say anything he found himself spun around and bent forward slightly, causing him to place his hands on the counter now in front of him. Oh they were doing it like this? No problem.

His pants fell to the floor and he felt a shiver run up his spine as he knew what came next. At this point he was pretty sure he could pin some of the blame on the alcohol for how quickly he got turned on. Grimmjow knew how to do it, but it usually would take a little bit longer than this before he started to feel this needy.

“Think you’ll be able to stay quiet?” Grimmjow asked, and at first he got a gasp in return as the tip of Grimmjow’s cock pressed against Ulquiorra’s entrance.

“I will do my best,” Ulquiorra whispered, his voice trembling just a little bit.

He pressed back against Grimmjow slightly, wanting him to enter, and him doing so made Grimmjow chuckle.

“Eager aren’t you? You want my cock that badly? And here I thought I was the needy one,” Grimmjow commented, one hand now placed on Ulquiorra’s slim hip to help hold him in place.

“I do want you that badly, and I blame you for that,” Ulquiorra replied.

“Good,” Grimmjow pretty much purred.

Without a warning Ulquiorra felt him enter, and he had to do everything he could to hold back a moan as he felt his boyfriend slowly open him up and then move deeper and deeper inside of him, filling up his insides and brushing over just the right spots. It was making his knees feel weak. It was such a good feeling, and it had just begun. How sex never got dull he couldn’t explain, it always felt this good, always felt amazing and he knew he couldn’t get enough of it. Had he been someone else then someone might have called him a sex addict, but he really had enough self control not to go that far.

“Fuck that’s nice,” Grimmjow hissed. Clearly he was loving this sensation too. The feeling of being buried deep inside of Ulquiorra, to feel his hot and tight walls surround him.

Ulquiorra let out a shaky sigh, only to gasp as he felt Grimmjow pull out and then roughly thrust inside again, going in as deep as he could and almost caused Ulquiorra to lose his balance. Grimmjow didn’t pause there, instead he started a steady rhythm, thrusting hard and fast in and out of the smaller body. Ulquiorra allowed the pleasure to take almost, almost, complete control of him. The tiny bit of focus he decided to hold on to was what was needed for him to not scream out whenever he felt Grimmjow’s hard cock brush right up against his prostate as it filled him up. He loved that feeling so much. The feeling of having Grimmjow inside of him, feeling his entrance stretched around his erection and the length pushed deep inside, filling him as much as it could.

Grimmjow kept going at a harsh pace, and the only sounds that could be heard was the slap of skin against skin, and heavy breathing. Now and then there would be a low moan or whisper.

Heat was building within Ulquiorra, and he was going to do nothing to hold back the upcoming orgasm. They should probably not stay here for too long, the others probably already had a suspicion what they were doing, not that it mattered at the moment.

“Close,” he whispered and had to do his best to suffocate a moan that threatened to escape his throat. It was so much harder to stay quiet now than the other times they had had sex somewhere they had to be silent.

“Good.”

Grimmjow had barely spoken those words before Ulquiorra came, and had it not been for Grimmjow’s hands having an iron grip on his hips then he would probably have ended up on the floor. It felt so good, so incredible, and once it faded he was left breathless and tired, yet in a calm and blissful state. It took him a moment to realize that Grimmjow was still thrusting, and he had to hold back a low moan at the overstimulation it was causing. A few more thrusts and he felt Grimmjow still, a deep groan coming from him, and Ulquiorra could tell that he had reached his climax too and was releasing inside of him.

“Fuck I needed that,” Grimmjow groaned, there was a hint of laughter in his voice.

“It had been over twenty four hours since last time we had sex, so I’m not surprised,” Ulquiorra replied and once he felt Grimmjow withdraw he decided to sit down on the floor for a moment.

“You okay?” Grimmjow asked. He quickly tucked himself back into his pants and then knelt down in front of his boyfriend.

“Legs are a bit weak, ass a bit sore, but other than that I’m fine.”

“That’s good.” Grimmjow leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Ulquiorra’s lips. “You made a mess in here, I’ll clean that up while you relax.”


End file.
